Posts
Dear FHA,
I've decided to quit smoking. For 15 years I've had a pack-a-day habit and am ready to make a positive change in my life. Do you have any advice on how to go about putting this lifestyle change in place?
Sincerely,
Another Smoker Stopping
Dear ASS,
Another one bites the dust. Being a man that enjoys a few hundred unfiltered squares a week, I can only imagine what sort of neutering experience you had to turn you away from flavor country. However asking me how to get your manhood back wasn't the question, so let me address the way you can go about successfully quit smoking.
1. Stop having sex.
It's been proven that high levels of arousal and pleasure lead to a need continue that spiral of joy. If you're engaging in intercourse regularly with mostly consenting partners, there is a sense of euphoria that fills your body right after screaming your climactic roar face-first in a pillow. Some people find it nearly impossible to engage in intimate activities without pre-gaming their senses with a perfectly harmless rush of nicotine. In my experience it even increases the length of my love making sessions as it awards me the opportunity to stop several times for a quick breather. In some instances, my rented love making partner will enjoy a nice smoke and book while I punish her badly damaged dick pit. Trust me, you'll never stand a chance of quitting if you treasure your ability to engage in an intense, sweaty, physically debilitating 7 minute fuck session.
2. Start dipping snuff.
I'm just throwing this one out there in case you were being literal about just smoking.
3. Don't go outside.
Where are cigarettes? That's right, they are outside of your house, and you can't buy them and smoke them if you never leave your home. Staying in will afford you the opportunity to make sure temptation doesn't get the best of you. One thing I suggest s to sit next to an ashtray and pretend you are still smoking. This way you get all the same sensory fixations without actually smoking. If you want to do yourself a favor, make sure there are some old butts in the tray so you can satisfy your sense of smell as well. Nothing makes you want to quit more than being reminded constantly that you did smoke, but not anymore. Some people have found it useful to watch movies with Humphrey Bogart, Bill Hicks stand-up, and episodes of Mad Men. Staying inside is by far and away your best hope. Plus, you'll look like a pussy if you go outside without a red between your lips.
4. Substitute your smoking with drinking.
I successfully quit for a month with this strategy in my younger days. The trick was to have a shot of burbon every time I wanted to have a smoke. By 8 AM I was too drunk to take the bus to the Marathon gas station 300 yards down the street. It's amazing how easy it was to simply replace one vice with the other. It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but I became a friend of the mother nature during this time. I would wake up at fluctuating intervals throughout the day and find empty cigarette packs that I must have cleaned up off the ground. I'm isn't without a price, every time I would wretch and heave myself awake, it felt as if I had come down with a case of strep-throat. I won't go into too much more detail about my philanthropic work, mostly because I was blacked out most the time and was only able to piece this story together based on what I imagined I would have done.
5. Skip meals and drink lots of coffee.
This is essential if you want to quit smoking. Nobody likes a fatty, and those pounds are going mount you like a jockey mounts another jockey, who has a heart of gold but was wrongly convicted of a felony crime, and just arrived to the prison where the aforementioned jockey is the leader of a rape gang. Do yourself a favor and listen to me, nobody looks good in sweats.
For the most part, I think you're a fucking pussy for quitting. And I'm not saying this because my history of addiction has led me down a hallway of regret that has every door to escape locked from the other side. However if you do wish to quit, these tips should do the trick as you take your bad-ass image into the world of boring, athletic, and fresh smelling.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Friday, August 6, 2010
Starting a Hobby
Dear FHA,
I have been in the city for several years. My circle of friends are all pairing off and I find myself with an abundance of free time. Is there a good way to get into a hobby to meet more people and soak up some of this free time?
Sincerely,
Hobby Hunter
Dear HH,
Utilizing newly found free time is a chore I recently was tasked with as well. After finishing up the last of my court mandated community service hours and drug rehabilitation programs, I found myself with literally hours free every week. Instantly I entertained the idea of picking up a new hard drug habit, but all my old dealers had died in a prison fire. Sadly I decided to investigate other activities that I knew much less about. Here are some pointers I picked up along the way to help you fill those lonely depression filled hours of your seemingly pointless life.
1. Don't do something too constructive.
It sounds tempting to find a hobby that allows you to grow your personal skill set in addition to killing time, but it's a Pandora's Box that is best left closed. Learning too much causes you to become distracted from your mundane life. This in turn leads you to question why you aren't doing your hobby for a job. Although it may seem like a fun and possibly lucrative endeavor, there are consequences for taking such risks. When I decided that I would assist with suicides full-time and relinquish my partnership Jaundice & Associates, it seemed like a dream career move. However the pay was less, the hours were longer, and I seemed to be spending even more time in court than when I was a lawyer. Even though the satisfaction of bringing a smile to the faces of sad ex-boyfriends, jealous siblings, and organ harvesters was plentiful, my ability to live a public life was not.
2. Find something that is niche.
I call it like I see it, and you sound like you don't get laid much. Why would I say this? Because your friends are all getting married and you are looking for a hobby. This all ties together with finding a hobby that is specific to a very small niche. Choose something like night kiting or writing Fear Factor fan-fiction. This will guarantee that all the people with the same hobby also don't get laid. Once you become established on the message boards or in the meetings held in church basements, you can start to make your move. Here is your chance to be awkwardly intimate with all members of your preferred gender. Don't worry about hurting feelings and uneasy tension. When you have worked your way through the last naive person, simply announce you are leaving the world of said hobby. Remember, they are there because they love their hobby more than human contact, so you're doing them a real solid.
3. Don't get too attached to your hobby.
See rule 1 & 2.
4. Inform others about how great your current hobby is.
Even if your new found time waster is boring you to tears, lie. Tell everyone that your activities are unsurpassed by any other choice of time passing. Go so far as to create a Twitter Account to remind people continually how much fun you're having. This works well to distract questions about your real life. Wouldn't it be much nicer to have someone ask about your HAM radio rather than question if it's healthy for you to have another slice of ice-cream cake with such severe diabetes? You can also use your hobby to get out of work! Next time you plan on hitting the state-line casino/strip-club/buffet, just tell your boss you have a convention for you hobby. Who can blame you for taking a little personal time to chase your passion. At least that's what your boss will think.
I hope these pointers come in useful when you choose a new hobby. Lord knows I'm looking for more options as I near the end of "working the circuit" of all yarn-based crafts. Those ladies are a bit more wild under the afghan.
Sincerely,
FHA
I have been in the city for several years. My circle of friends are all pairing off and I find myself with an abundance of free time. Is there a good way to get into a hobby to meet more people and soak up some of this free time?
Sincerely,
Hobby Hunter
Dear HH,
Utilizing newly found free time is a chore I recently was tasked with as well. After finishing up the last of my court mandated community service hours and drug rehabilitation programs, I found myself with literally hours free every week. Instantly I entertained the idea of picking up a new hard drug habit, but all my old dealers had died in a prison fire. Sadly I decided to investigate other activities that I knew much less about. Here are some pointers I picked up along the way to help you fill those lonely depression filled hours of your seemingly pointless life.
1. Don't do something too constructive.
It sounds tempting to find a hobby that allows you to grow your personal skill set in addition to killing time, but it's a Pandora's Box that is best left closed. Learning too much causes you to become distracted from your mundane life. This in turn leads you to question why you aren't doing your hobby for a job. Although it may seem like a fun and possibly lucrative endeavor, there are consequences for taking such risks. When I decided that I would assist with suicides full-time and relinquish my partnership Jaundice & Associates, it seemed like a dream career move. However the pay was less, the hours were longer, and I seemed to be spending even more time in court than when I was a lawyer. Even though the satisfaction of bringing a smile to the faces of sad ex-boyfriends, jealous siblings, and organ harvesters was plentiful, my ability to live a public life was not.
2. Find something that is niche.
I call it like I see it, and you sound like you don't get laid much. Why would I say this? Because your friends are all getting married and you are looking for a hobby. This all ties together with finding a hobby that is specific to a very small niche. Choose something like night kiting or writing Fear Factor fan-fiction. This will guarantee that all the people with the same hobby also don't get laid. Once you become established on the message boards or in the meetings held in church basements, you can start to make your move. Here is your chance to be awkwardly intimate with all members of your preferred gender. Don't worry about hurting feelings and uneasy tension. When you have worked your way through the last naive person, simply announce you are leaving the world of said hobby. Remember, they are there because they love their hobby more than human contact, so you're doing them a real solid.
3. Don't get too attached to your hobby.
See rule 1 & 2.
4. Inform others about how great your current hobby is.
Even if your new found time waster is boring you to tears, lie. Tell everyone that your activities are unsurpassed by any other choice of time passing. Go so far as to create a Twitter Account to remind people continually how much fun you're having. This works well to distract questions about your real life. Wouldn't it be much nicer to have someone ask about your HAM radio rather than question if it's healthy for you to have another slice of ice-cream cake with such severe diabetes? You can also use your hobby to get out of work! Next time you plan on hitting the state-line casino/strip-club/buffet, just tell your boss you have a convention for you hobby. Who can blame you for taking a little personal time to chase your passion. At least that's what your boss will think.
I hope these pointers come in useful when you choose a new hobby. Lord knows I'm looking for more options as I near the end of "working the circuit" of all yarn-based crafts. Those ladies are a bit more wild under the afghan.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tax Help
Dear FHA,
This is the first year I have filed my taxes as an independent. Normally my dad takes care of this process, but this year he told me it was something I need to learn to do. Do you have any advice on how to make this process as easy as possible?
Sincerely,
Dependent on Parents Earnings
Dear DOPE,
I remember the first time I was required by the government to file my taxes. I received a court injunction three years ago when I made the mistake of getting a library card. One slip up and you're back on the grid. Here are some helpful pointers that should make your tax season a more positive experience.
1. File a Schedule C if you can.
I have learned the benefits of filing this way after many months of garnished wages. Although I only earned a small chunk of my income on a 1099, which you can use to prove you are an independent contractor, I chose to file as self employed. The trick on this however is to find a profession that mirrors your expenses. I myself am an avid movie lover so I chose "Screen Actor". With this declaration I was then able to write off my cell phone, half my rent, half my meals, and my transit card as work related expenses. I also found that my cable, Netflix, theater movies, and books could all be deducted as work related research. However if you really are strapped for cash, it will be hard to make a dent in your taxes with the actual number of movies and books you purchase. What I do is acquire as many ticket stubs as possible that have different show times on each visit. That way what was normally a $5 matinee turns into a $130 deduction. I also find going to book stores and looking for hardback books that still have the receipts in them when purchased new provides valuable fake expenses.
2. Wait Until the Last Minute.
If you're like me you're not going to be getting any money back from the government. By waiting until the very last minute you ensure yourself ample time to compile as many deductions as you can think of. This also is a subtle "Fuck You" to Uncle Sam. Just like your landlord that you wait until the last day of your grace period to give a check for rent. Sure you may have had it on the 29th, but damned if he is gonna get it then. If you put this off too much don't worry, there are things called extensions you can apply for. These allow you several more months to procrastinate in. In my case, I keep filing extensions until I am absolutely sure I don't have the money to move to another country.
3. Get Help from Friends
If you have a friend that is savvy with taxes, don't be afraid to call in a favor. The crowd I run with are mostly thieves and drug dealers. This means they really know how to file bogus tax returns and not get audited. Perhaps you're one of those prudish stick-in-the-mud types that doesn't enjoy living life to the fullest while coked out of your skull at 2AM in a seedy gay-bar. If that's the case then just get on CraigsList. You can find literally anything there. Stumbling upon the right group may even net you a few extra dollars if you're willing to claim that you made $2 million with your street performance act. Friends like this are invaluable, especially if you get busted lying about making $2 million on your street performance act.
4. Get a Street Performers License.
See above.
5. Stay off the Grid
This is your best bet at not having to deal with taxes. If you read Possum Living or watched Into the Wild, you know that if you burn your social security card you no longer exist. I burned all forms of identification I had, only accept payment in cash, which I then quickly use to purchase silver from pawn shops. My 401K is three tube socks filled with 1oz bars of Ag. Should some foul tempered repo-man break into your home late at night demanding the choicest 1984 Winnebago Chieftain back due to signing a fake name to the loan papers, you can smash his skull in with it. My 401K is also my life insurance policy. And for the love of god, don't get a library card... or tell anyone about that repo-man.
Sincerely,
FHA
This is the first year I have filed my taxes as an independent. Normally my dad takes care of this process, but this year he told me it was something I need to learn to do. Do you have any advice on how to make this process as easy as possible?
Sincerely,
Dependent on Parents Earnings
Dear DOPE,
I remember the first time I was required by the government to file my taxes. I received a court injunction three years ago when I made the mistake of getting a library card. One slip up and you're back on the grid. Here are some helpful pointers that should make your tax season a more positive experience.
1. File a Schedule C if you can.
I have learned the benefits of filing this way after many months of garnished wages. Although I only earned a small chunk of my income on a 1099, which you can use to prove you are an independent contractor, I chose to file as self employed. The trick on this however is to find a profession that mirrors your expenses. I myself am an avid movie lover so I chose "Screen Actor". With this declaration I was then able to write off my cell phone, half my rent, half my meals, and my transit card as work related expenses. I also found that my cable, Netflix, theater movies, and books could all be deducted as work related research. However if you really are strapped for cash, it will be hard to make a dent in your taxes with the actual number of movies and books you purchase. What I do is acquire as many ticket stubs as possible that have different show times on each visit. That way what was normally a $5 matinee turns into a $130 deduction. I also find going to book stores and looking for hardback books that still have the receipts in them when purchased new provides valuable fake expenses.
2. Wait Until the Last Minute.
If you're like me you're not going to be getting any money back from the government. By waiting until the very last minute you ensure yourself ample time to compile as many deductions as you can think of. This also is a subtle "Fuck You" to Uncle Sam. Just like your landlord that you wait until the last day of your grace period to give a check for rent. Sure you may have had it on the 29th, but damned if he is gonna get it then. If you put this off too much don't worry, there are things called extensions you can apply for. These allow you several more months to procrastinate in. In my case, I keep filing extensions until I am absolutely sure I don't have the money to move to another country.
3. Get Help from Friends
If you have a friend that is savvy with taxes, don't be afraid to call in a favor. The crowd I run with are mostly thieves and drug dealers. This means they really know how to file bogus tax returns and not get audited. Perhaps you're one of those prudish stick-in-the-mud types that doesn't enjoy living life to the fullest while coked out of your skull at 2AM in a seedy gay-bar. If that's the case then just get on CraigsList. You can find literally anything there. Stumbling upon the right group may even net you a few extra dollars if you're willing to claim that you made $2 million with your street performance act. Friends like this are invaluable, especially if you get busted lying about making $2 million on your street performance act.
4. Get a Street Performers License.
See above.
5. Stay off the Grid
This is your best bet at not having to deal with taxes. If you read Possum Living or watched Into the Wild, you know that if you burn your social security card you no longer exist. I burned all forms of identification I had, only accept payment in cash, which I then quickly use to purchase silver from pawn shops. My 401K is three tube socks filled with 1oz bars of Ag. Should some foul tempered repo-man break into your home late at night demanding the choicest 1984 Winnebago Chieftain back due to signing a fake name to the loan papers, you can smash his skull in with it. My 401K is also my life insurance policy. And for the love of god, don't get a library card... or tell anyone about that repo-man.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Messy Roommate
Dear FHA,
I've been living with my roommate for over a year and they are great. We have no problems at all in terms of personality, however we are a bit different when it comes to our capacity to clean up after ourselves. I just wanted to know the best way to approach this situation without coming off as a clean freak or asshole. Please help me find a way to broach this situation.
Sincerely,
Boy in the Clean House
Dear BITCH,
This is indeed a touchy situation to find yourself in. There are certainly different cultural factors that go into how each person cares for their domicile. In my experience it is something that is best left to work itself out. I'm not one for direct conflict, so here are some ways you can get your way while minimizing any direct communication.
1. Start a stand-off with chores.
Clean Side: As the clean freak of the house this may cause you some grief. You are tired of doing all the chores around the house, so the best solution is to leave them until they become so overwhelmingly bad that your counterpart is forced to finally take some action. This involves leaving those plates with half-eaten meals still on them in the sink. Also all the pots and pans that they dirtied up when attempting to impress a girl with basic cooking prowess should also be neglected. Even if you are on a budget and need to use one of those pots to boil your last remaining potato, don't. You will only empower them to continue their current behavior.
Messy Side: Continue not doing what you are not doing. If it gets to a point where there are no plates left, find other things to eat off of. Also, keep a stash of plastic silverware in your room so when the real stuff is gone, you can still wolf down microwaveable dinners.
2. Construct a chore wheel
Clean Side: This is a good way for you to address your dissatisfaction with the current situation while still not having to verbally arouse the subject. Posting it on the fridge with days laid out is a fantastic way to make sure they are aware of what you expect from them. The trick is to start small with maybe three major chores like, dishes, sweeping, and cleaning the bathroom. If you dive into the details too soon you're sure to arouse a complaint about the anal nature in which it was constructed. It might even help for you to give yourself the most problematic chore first. If your bathroom reminds you of a Port-o-let that was kicked over and dragged through a wading pool of throw-up, take that bullet and clean it up really nice. Then when things rotate your roommate will merely have to maintain the fantastic job you have done.
Messy Side: Pretend not to see the chore wheel, unless you notice it's really anal. Then say something very passive aggressive about how the person who made the wheel should "get laid" and stop "making fag crafts". If approached about doing your chore, say you'll do it later or that you did it already.
3. Lead by example.
Clean Side: There are times when all someone needs to inspire them to live better is to have a solid role model. If you want to have something clean, then make it clean. The more your counterpart sees you taking pride in the appearance of your shared space, the more likely they are to pitch in and help out. When you dirty a dish, put it in the dishwasher. When you have food that has expired, throw it away. When you have a recyclable item, make sure to put it in the recycling bag not the garbage. Surely they will notice your actions and not continue to just throw dirty dishes in the sink, ignore their Thanksgiving leftovers, and throw beer bottles, newspaper, beer boxes, soda cans, into the garbage... but still managing to find the insight to throw used kleenex and orange peels into the recycling. Seriously, they will learn.
Messy Side: You won't learn, so don't try. Keep being a slob. If you want to kill any sort of stink-eyed looks that might happen in the meantime, make sure you do some chores... horribly wrong. I'm talking about loading the dishwasher with six items, three of them non-dishwasher safe pots and pans, and running it while your roommate is in the shower. Offer to clean the bathroom by simply spraying everything with lysol, or clean the living room by throwing all the stuff in a box and putting it in your storage space. This should ensure they never pressure you about doing a chore again.
4. Find a new living situation.
Clean Side: When all else fails move out. Find someone that is more compatible with your living style and hygiene requirements. From there you will more than likely become the "messy one" in the house, or will remain the "anal clean one". If you have your life together enough, go live on your own. That way you can make sure whatever happens in your living situation is due to your direct impact. Also get used to masturbating, because cohabitation with the opposite sex may not be in the cards for you.
Messy Side: Find another roommate that is clueless about your complete inability to complete basic functions of independence. You're an adult, so don't let them see any signs that you have no idea how to do a load of laundry or effectively use a mop. If you're running low on roommates, look to get married. Even if you're not in love and you don't feel ready for it, getting married to someone that will clean up after you is much better than dying in a trash fire you accidentally started when you're old copies of the Red-Eye ended up just a little too close to the space heater. Consider it a life investment.
Of course you could just talk with your roommate about your concerns, but then you might make it awkward for tens of minutes. Better to avoid that prospect and just hunker down with passive aggressive maneuvers. As I type this, I'm going to put one plate in the oven, one in the glass cabinet, and one in fridge. Should be the last time I get asked to unload the dishwasher.
Sincerely,
FHA
I've been living with my roommate for over a year and they are great. We have no problems at all in terms of personality, however we are a bit different when it comes to our capacity to clean up after ourselves. I just wanted to know the best way to approach this situation without coming off as a clean freak or asshole. Please help me find a way to broach this situation.
Sincerely,
Boy in the Clean House
Dear BITCH,
This is indeed a touchy situation to find yourself in. There are certainly different cultural factors that go into how each person cares for their domicile. In my experience it is something that is best left to work itself out. I'm not one for direct conflict, so here are some ways you can get your way while minimizing any direct communication.
1. Start a stand-off with chores.
Clean Side: As the clean freak of the house this may cause you some grief. You are tired of doing all the chores around the house, so the best solution is to leave them until they become so overwhelmingly bad that your counterpart is forced to finally take some action. This involves leaving those plates with half-eaten meals still on them in the sink. Also all the pots and pans that they dirtied up when attempting to impress a girl with basic cooking prowess should also be neglected. Even if you are on a budget and need to use one of those pots to boil your last remaining potato, don't. You will only empower them to continue their current behavior.
Messy Side: Continue not doing what you are not doing. If it gets to a point where there are no plates left, find other things to eat off of. Also, keep a stash of plastic silverware in your room so when the real stuff is gone, you can still wolf down microwaveable dinners.
2. Construct a chore wheel
Clean Side: This is a good way for you to address your dissatisfaction with the current situation while still not having to verbally arouse the subject. Posting it on the fridge with days laid out is a fantastic way to make sure they are aware of what you expect from them. The trick is to start small with maybe three major chores like, dishes, sweeping, and cleaning the bathroom. If you dive into the details too soon you're sure to arouse a complaint about the anal nature in which it was constructed. It might even help for you to give yourself the most problematic chore first. If your bathroom reminds you of a Port-o-let that was kicked over and dragged through a wading pool of throw-up, take that bullet and clean it up really nice. Then when things rotate your roommate will merely have to maintain the fantastic job you have done.
Messy Side: Pretend not to see the chore wheel, unless you notice it's really anal. Then say something very passive aggressive about how the person who made the wheel should "get laid" and stop "making fag crafts". If approached about doing your chore, say you'll do it later or that you did it already.
3. Lead by example.
Clean Side: There are times when all someone needs to inspire them to live better is to have a solid role model. If you want to have something clean, then make it clean. The more your counterpart sees you taking pride in the appearance of your shared space, the more likely they are to pitch in and help out. When you dirty a dish, put it in the dishwasher. When you have food that has expired, throw it away. When you have a recyclable item, make sure to put it in the recycling bag not the garbage. Surely they will notice your actions and not continue to just throw dirty dishes in the sink, ignore their Thanksgiving leftovers, and throw beer bottles, newspaper, beer boxes, soda cans, into the garbage... but still managing to find the insight to throw used kleenex and orange peels into the recycling. Seriously, they will learn.
Messy Side: You won't learn, so don't try. Keep being a slob. If you want to kill any sort of stink-eyed looks that might happen in the meantime, make sure you do some chores... horribly wrong. I'm talking about loading the dishwasher with six items, three of them non-dishwasher safe pots and pans, and running it while your roommate is in the shower. Offer to clean the bathroom by simply spraying everything with lysol, or clean the living room by throwing all the stuff in a box and putting it in your storage space. This should ensure they never pressure you about doing a chore again.
4. Find a new living situation.
Clean Side: When all else fails move out. Find someone that is more compatible with your living style and hygiene requirements. From there you will more than likely become the "messy one" in the house, or will remain the "anal clean one". If you have your life together enough, go live on your own. That way you can make sure whatever happens in your living situation is due to your direct impact. Also get used to masturbating, because cohabitation with the opposite sex may not be in the cards for you.
Messy Side: Find another roommate that is clueless about your complete inability to complete basic functions of independence. You're an adult, so don't let them see any signs that you have no idea how to do a load of laundry or effectively use a mop. If you're running low on roommates, look to get married. Even if you're not in love and you don't feel ready for it, getting married to someone that will clean up after you is much better than dying in a trash fire you accidentally started when you're old copies of the Red-Eye ended up just a little too close to the space heater. Consider it a life investment.
Of course you could just talk with your roommate about your concerns, but then you might make it awkward for tens of minutes. Better to avoid that prospect and just hunker down with passive aggressive maneuvers. As I type this, I'm going to put one plate in the oven, one in the glass cabinet, and one in fridge. Should be the last time I get asked to unload the dishwasher.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Being Politically Active
Dear FHA,
I have been hearing my co-workers talking about the most recent political issues such as healthcare reform and overhauling the financial banking system. My problem is that I don't have any idea what they are talking about. I just want to know the best way to learn about politics so I won't feel so ignorant when those conversations happen.
Sincerely,
Just a Guy
Dear JAG,
The world of politics is a fickle mistress that will either take you to the top or get you beheaded. Choosing your sides carefully and aligning yourself with the most powerful party will surely be that short-cut to the top you are looking for. In addition you are sure to impress people around you with your insights on the current climate of affairs in the US of A. Here are a few pointers that might help you gather enough knowledge to take your co-workers ten rounds in a political fist fight.
1. Pick a party, and get partisan.
You have to join a team before you can play the game. Nobody will respect the spectator that walks out on the court, no matter how good his jump-shot is. I myself was at a loss to what party to pledge allegiance to, so it came down to something as simple as their logo. I have been a card carrying member of the Personal Choices Party since I became politically active way back in 2005. Once you find a party that suits you, publicly acknowledge how broken all the other parties are. Much like religion, there is only one true way, and everyone is convinced it is their own. So in the end, the winner will be dictated by those who carry the largest majority. Either start convincing people to join you, or start eliminating members of the opposition. It's not my place to decide your course of action, at least that what my party says I should think.
2. Pretend to listen while planning what to say next.
Politics was founded on the principles that you must talk longer than your opponent. They call this tactic a filibuster. It is important to know that when engaged in the war of words, a strong overwhelming mass of fodder is much more effective than one or two well place strikes. Don't bother taking in what is being said to you for processing and analysis. Take this down time to load your mouth cannon with as much propaganda and rhetoric that you can remember. If you come to a point where you are at a loss for things to say about your point, create a fictional place in your mind where you can construct non-truths and pass them off as fact. I call this place my lie-bratory. It is a place where I mix up dangerously incorrect concoctions of overheard stories and TV sound-bites. Whatever your ability as a wordsmith, keep the fires hot and never shut up.
3. Get all of your news from one outlet only.
Nothing throws a wrench in a solid political stance like hearing conflicting informations from two different sources. My suggestion is to stick with one news source and never deviate. I say this as it much easier to discount political adversaries as "sissy bitch liars" if you have never heard their view points from anyone but them. Much like the way that pretending the moon doesn't exist is much easier if you never go out at night. If you never see it, then what truth could their be to one crazy persons ramblings. Keep it simple, keep it contained.
4. Learn the vernacular.
Political jargon is really just a series of code that other politicians look for to verify your authenticity. When you mention how your views on a Oligarchy differ from the basic Feudal systems of the twelfth century, and how the megalomaniacal boon of big government is souring not only people on Wall-street, but the blue collar family man on main-street, the doors of prestige and clout will open. Much like a game of mastermind, keep throwing them out in different combinations. You will be able to gauge what ones were used in the correct order with each other, and what ones should be removed from your speech all together. Taking the time to learn what they mean and how they apply to what you are trying to relay will only slow you down and allow your opponent to filibuster your sorry ass to death.
5. Lie, scream, possibly throw something.
When all else fails, get violent. Just because you're a big boy doesn't mean you can't act like a child in the name of something bigger than you. Pushing down a pregnant woman outside an abortion clinic, punching a scientist for producing GMO's, or just simply yelling faggot at a homosexual man's funeral are all rewarding things that you can do in the name of politics. Open it up, see what takes your fancy.
As you can see there are many facets of politics that will surely make you appear much smarter than the stink-fingered mouth breather I'm sure you are. In the end, just make sure you are louder than anybody else, this is sure to make you right.
Sincerely,
FHA
I have been hearing my co-workers talking about the most recent political issues such as healthcare reform and overhauling the financial banking system. My problem is that I don't have any idea what they are talking about. I just want to know the best way to learn about politics so I won't feel so ignorant when those conversations happen.
Sincerely,
Just a Guy
Dear JAG,
The world of politics is a fickle mistress that will either take you to the top or get you beheaded. Choosing your sides carefully and aligning yourself with the most powerful party will surely be that short-cut to the top you are looking for. In addition you are sure to impress people around you with your insights on the current climate of affairs in the US of A. Here are a few pointers that might help you gather enough knowledge to take your co-workers ten rounds in a political fist fight.
1. Pick a party, and get partisan.
You have to join a team before you can play the game. Nobody will respect the spectator that walks out on the court, no matter how good his jump-shot is. I myself was at a loss to what party to pledge allegiance to, so it came down to something as simple as their logo. I have been a card carrying member of the Personal Choices Party since I became politically active way back in 2005. Once you find a party that suits you, publicly acknowledge how broken all the other parties are. Much like religion, there is only one true way, and everyone is convinced it is their own. So in the end, the winner will be dictated by those who carry the largest majority. Either start convincing people to join you, or start eliminating members of the opposition. It's not my place to decide your course of action, at least that what my party says I should think.
2. Pretend to listen while planning what to say next.
Politics was founded on the principles that you must talk longer than your opponent. They call this tactic a filibuster. It is important to know that when engaged in the war of words, a strong overwhelming mass of fodder is much more effective than one or two well place strikes. Don't bother taking in what is being said to you for processing and analysis. Take this down time to load your mouth cannon with as much propaganda and rhetoric that you can remember. If you come to a point where you are at a loss for things to say about your point, create a fictional place in your mind where you can construct non-truths and pass them off as fact. I call this place my lie-bratory. It is a place where I mix up dangerously incorrect concoctions of overheard stories and TV sound-bites. Whatever your ability as a wordsmith, keep the fires hot and never shut up.
3. Get all of your news from one outlet only.
Nothing throws a wrench in a solid political stance like hearing conflicting informations from two different sources. My suggestion is to stick with one news source and never deviate. I say this as it much easier to discount political adversaries as "sissy bitch liars" if you have never heard their view points from anyone but them. Much like the way that pretending the moon doesn't exist is much easier if you never go out at night. If you never see it, then what truth could their be to one crazy persons ramblings. Keep it simple, keep it contained.
4. Learn the vernacular.
Political jargon is really just a series of code that other politicians look for to verify your authenticity. When you mention how your views on a Oligarchy differ from the basic Feudal systems of the twelfth century, and how the megalomaniacal boon of big government is souring not only people on Wall-street, but the blue collar family man on main-street, the doors of prestige and clout will open. Much like a game of mastermind, keep throwing them out in different combinations. You will be able to gauge what ones were used in the correct order with each other, and what ones should be removed from your speech all together. Taking the time to learn what they mean and how they apply to what you are trying to relay will only slow you down and allow your opponent to filibuster your sorry ass to death.
5. Lie, scream, possibly throw something.
When all else fails, get violent. Just because you're a big boy doesn't mean you can't act like a child in the name of something bigger than you. Pushing down a pregnant woman outside an abortion clinic, punching a scientist for producing GMO's, or just simply yelling faggot at a homosexual man's funeral are all rewarding things that you can do in the name of politics. Open it up, see what takes your fancy.
As you can see there are many facets of politics that will surely make you appear much smarter than the stink-fingered mouth breather I'm sure you are. In the end, just make sure you are louder than anybody else, this is sure to make you right.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Meeting Women
Dear FHA,
I am a single guy looking to meet for some companionship. There are thousands of women in this city but I can't seem to find one that is right for me. I know it's hard work, but what way can I go about finding someone that is right for me?
Sincerely,
Single and Poor
Dear SAP,
Finding a companion in life is one of the great adventures. Some may argue that the searching process is more important that everything that comes afterwards. I live in that camp and don't plan on taking my tent down anytime soon. Here are a few tricks I've managed to pick up during my time on the quest for the tender embrace of a woman.
1. Be Coy, Mysterious, and Shy
Nothing fuels a woman's interest like a seeming lack on your part. If you see a woman that you find attractive, make no effort to get her attention. Make sure to just sit and pretend you are comfortable in whatever situation you have subjected yourself to in hopes of meeting that woman. If it was ever meant to be she will approach you and begin a conversation that will last for hours on end without effort. Love is something that you will be given when the time is right. Like a fine wine, you just let it sit there in the dark aging until it is required by some rich socialite in need of a status play. Just keep your cool and make sure that the dark feelings of loneliness and defeat never surface in public. Attempting to start a conversation with a prospective lover will only end in financial expense, shame, and possibly a couple months of embrace that you could use as a learning experience down the road. Are we looking for love, or are we looking for education? Shut it and wait.
2. Stay in One Social Setting
Going to different activities and public places that serve as a mingling place for people you haven't talked to before is a terrible move. Faking your comfort in those situations will instantly point you out as the guy who is just there to get laid. The idea that any man would ever attempt to open his mind to new activities and cultures in hopes of finding a like-minded woman is absurd. Nobody does that, and if they say they do, they are lying or gay. Stick to the people you already have an established relationship with. Interacting with people that posses new and exciting views on life and the activities within it are frightening. If you are in a band, know you will only date another girl in a band.
3. Plan For the Worst
Too many times people jump into relationships with a fool hearty idea of what could happen. Be one of the smart ones that jumps in with a knowledge of what will happen. Odds are you will break-up eventually. Don't neglect that fact and throw yourself into a relationship completely. When you do that the break will come as a surprise and hurt ten-fold. I have never committed fully to anything, and because of this my last divorce was just an appointment in my life that I didn't know the exact date of. When you dive in without looking you become vulnerable to compromise, personal growth, and shared responsibility for making things work. Keep your distance from this and you can continue to have your life outside of that person, because honestly that will be what you have to get back to when she eventually leaves you.
4. Think About Everything
Every thing that happens has a meaning you haven't determined yet. Unlike the female species who has been given the teacher's addition to relationships, we have to sit and labor over what everything "really means". Sure, she said she wants to see you tonight, but was that because she really wants to see you, or because this is the one night in the past week where you made plans to hang out with your friends at a bar, and by telling you she wants to see you, is she really telling you that she doesn't like your friends, or how much you drink, or the fact you don't like to watch The Bachelor and she is trying to get you to appreciate it more, which may lead to her trying to corner you into marriage, which is something you just aren't ready for at 27 and honestly have no idea when you will be in a situation to make that large of a commitment, not because you don't love her but because you haven't really established yourself in any sort of field that would allow you to financially care for another person.... or if this is the one time that she throws it out there as a control just to gauge what your reaction will be when she actually makes that play!! Fuck! Run!
For the most part, stay away from relationships. If you require companionship, rent it. I've never owned a house and feel completely at home in this studio apartment. Sure it smells bad and costs way too much for what I get, and in long run I'll just end up with memories of things I wanted to have, but for right now I feel safe. I hope this helps.
Sincerely,
FHA
I am a single guy looking to meet for some companionship. There are thousands of women in this city but I can't seem to find one that is right for me. I know it's hard work, but what way can I go about finding someone that is right for me?
Sincerely,
Single and Poor
Dear SAP,
Finding a companion in life is one of the great adventures. Some may argue that the searching process is more important that everything that comes afterwards. I live in that camp and don't plan on taking my tent down anytime soon. Here are a few tricks I've managed to pick up during my time on the quest for the tender embrace of a woman.
1. Be Coy, Mysterious, and Shy
Nothing fuels a woman's interest like a seeming lack on your part. If you see a woman that you find attractive, make no effort to get her attention. Make sure to just sit and pretend you are comfortable in whatever situation you have subjected yourself to in hopes of meeting that woman. If it was ever meant to be she will approach you and begin a conversation that will last for hours on end without effort. Love is something that you will be given when the time is right. Like a fine wine, you just let it sit there in the dark aging until it is required by some rich socialite in need of a status play. Just keep your cool and make sure that the dark feelings of loneliness and defeat never surface in public. Attempting to start a conversation with a prospective lover will only end in financial expense, shame, and possibly a couple months of embrace that you could use as a learning experience down the road. Are we looking for love, or are we looking for education? Shut it and wait.
2. Stay in One Social Setting
Going to different activities and public places that serve as a mingling place for people you haven't talked to before is a terrible move. Faking your comfort in those situations will instantly point you out as the guy who is just there to get laid. The idea that any man would ever attempt to open his mind to new activities and cultures in hopes of finding a like-minded woman is absurd. Nobody does that, and if they say they do, they are lying or gay. Stick to the people you already have an established relationship with. Interacting with people that posses new and exciting views on life and the activities within it are frightening. If you are in a band, know you will only date another girl in a band.
3. Plan For the Worst
Too many times people jump into relationships with a fool hearty idea of what could happen. Be one of the smart ones that jumps in with a knowledge of what will happen. Odds are you will break-up eventually. Don't neglect that fact and throw yourself into a relationship completely. When you do that the break will come as a surprise and hurt ten-fold. I have never committed fully to anything, and because of this my last divorce was just an appointment in my life that I didn't know the exact date of. When you dive in without looking you become vulnerable to compromise, personal growth, and shared responsibility for making things work. Keep your distance from this and you can continue to have your life outside of that person, because honestly that will be what you have to get back to when she eventually leaves you.
4. Think About Everything
Every thing that happens has a meaning you haven't determined yet. Unlike the female species who has been given the teacher's addition to relationships, we have to sit and labor over what everything "really means". Sure, she said she wants to see you tonight, but was that because she really wants to see you, or because this is the one night in the past week where you made plans to hang out with your friends at a bar, and by telling you she wants to see you, is she really telling you that she doesn't like your friends, or how much you drink, or the fact you don't like to watch The Bachelor and she is trying to get you to appreciate it more, which may lead to her trying to corner you into marriage, which is something you just aren't ready for at 27 and honestly have no idea when you will be in a situation to make that large of a commitment, not because you don't love her but because you haven't really established yourself in any sort of field that would allow you to financially care for another person.... or if this is the one time that she throws it out there as a control just to gauge what your reaction will be when she actually makes that play!! Fuck! Run!
For the most part, stay away from relationships. If you require companionship, rent it. I've never owned a house and feel completely at home in this studio apartment. Sure it smells bad and costs way too much for what I get, and in long run I'll just end up with memories of things I wanted to have, but for right now I feel safe. I hope this helps.
Sincerely,
FHA
Friday, December 18, 2009
Being Unemployed
Dear FHA,
Recently I quit my job and am in the process of looking for a new one. Things are pretty dismal and I was wondering if you had some advice on things I could do in the interim to keep my spirits up?
Sincerely,
Unemployed Person
Dear UP,
It can be a challenging thing to keep your moral high enough to not run to the medicine cabinet and down a bottle and a half of Tylenol just to end the suffering. Here is some helpful advice to make the time you spend looking a bit more chipper.
1. Put your personal health on the back burner
Lots of people take this time to better their life as the stress of their old job is gone. I think it's a waste of time and resources. You could start cooking more healthy meals at home. You could take an hour out of your day to exercise. You might even be tempted to give up drinking while job hunting. What you might not realize is you can do all those things when you finally get a job that you hate again. If you occupy your time with making your life better in general, you might forget what a giant loser you are for being broke. Take this time to start smoking, doubting your self worth, and drinking the pain of borrowing money from family members away. You fantasized about the time you could just sit on your couch in a whiskey haze for a week, so take advantage of it. Even if you have to cancel an interview because the days blurred together and you find yourself drunk at 8AM before your first real chance at a job in months. All you would end up doing is shortening your personal misery, which is the driving force behind getting a quality job.
2. Don't share your misery with your family
It might seem like a good idea to tell your mother how terrible you feel, but do you really want her to know what a failure you are? Make sure you only talk to them on the rare occasions when you book a temp gig that will only pay enough to recoup the cost of your train ride and lunch. This way they will know you are "still working" and not just sitting on your ass getting drunk. The only other time it is acceptable to contact them is when your rent is due. Make sure to contact in a drunken weepy mess asking them to send you a large sum of money because you have failed for another consecutive month to get a job. This way the conversation is short and there will be no room for them to shame you more than you already have shamed yourself.
3. Start blogging about your your woes
This is a great outlet for you to put how mad you are at the system for failing you. Make sure your name is highly visible on it as well. If you do it often enough, it will surely drive any prospective employers who have a half a brain to Google your name to the page. They definitely won't hire you based on the content, but it will drive up the number of page hits so you can collect your 3 cents from the Google Ads you've placed on it. This will allow you more free time to update and still make just enough money to fool yourself into believing you could make a living by bitching online.
4. Get more credit cards
Just because you're broke doesn't mean you have to live like you are. Get a bunch of cards that you will only make a minimum payment on (if at all, am I right?) as to maintain that little slice of lower middle class you have come to love. Don't tell your friends you can't go out with them because you're broke, but instead pick up the tab when you do just to let them know that you're doing just fine. This is also your chance to improve your DVD and video game collection. Those outlets will give you the chance to waste hours that you normally would spend looking for a job and being frustrated on things that mean nothing in the grand scheme of life.
All in all UP, you should just say fuck it and try to live the lifestyle you thought you were going to have if you never had to work again. Only after you have exhausted all your monetary resources, your family has disowned you, and type two diabetes has fully set in should you make a bee line to those bottles of Tylenol. Just make sure to get them now and store them away, otherwise you'll be picking change out of the sofa to finance your exit from this fuck all world.
Sincerely,
FHA
Recently I quit my job and am in the process of looking for a new one. Things are pretty dismal and I was wondering if you had some advice on things I could do in the interim to keep my spirits up?
Sincerely,
Unemployed Person
Dear UP,
It can be a challenging thing to keep your moral high enough to not run to the medicine cabinet and down a bottle and a half of Tylenol just to end the suffering. Here is some helpful advice to make the time you spend looking a bit more chipper.
1. Put your personal health on the back burner
Lots of people take this time to better their life as the stress of their old job is gone. I think it's a waste of time and resources. You could start cooking more healthy meals at home. You could take an hour out of your day to exercise. You might even be tempted to give up drinking while job hunting. What you might not realize is you can do all those things when you finally get a job that you hate again. If you occupy your time with making your life better in general, you might forget what a giant loser you are for being broke. Take this time to start smoking, doubting your self worth, and drinking the pain of borrowing money from family members away. You fantasized about the time you could just sit on your couch in a whiskey haze for a week, so take advantage of it. Even if you have to cancel an interview because the days blurred together and you find yourself drunk at 8AM before your first real chance at a job in months. All you would end up doing is shortening your personal misery, which is the driving force behind getting a quality job.
2. Don't share your misery with your family
It might seem like a good idea to tell your mother how terrible you feel, but do you really want her to know what a failure you are? Make sure you only talk to them on the rare occasions when you book a temp gig that will only pay enough to recoup the cost of your train ride and lunch. This way they will know you are "still working" and not just sitting on your ass getting drunk. The only other time it is acceptable to contact them is when your rent is due. Make sure to contact in a drunken weepy mess asking them to send you a large sum of money because you have failed for another consecutive month to get a job. This way the conversation is short and there will be no room for them to shame you more than you already have shamed yourself.
3. Start blogging about your your woes
This is a great outlet for you to put how mad you are at the system for failing you. Make sure your name is highly visible on it as well. If you do it often enough, it will surely drive any prospective employers who have a half a brain to Google your name to the page. They definitely won't hire you based on the content, but it will drive up the number of page hits so you can collect your 3 cents from the Google Ads you've placed on it. This will allow you more free time to update and still make just enough money to fool yourself into believing you could make a living by bitching online.
4. Get more credit cards
Just because you're broke doesn't mean you have to live like you are. Get a bunch of cards that you will only make a minimum payment on (if at all, am I right?) as to maintain that little slice of lower middle class you have come to love. Don't tell your friends you can't go out with them because you're broke, but instead pick up the tab when you do just to let them know that you're doing just fine. This is also your chance to improve your DVD and video game collection. Those outlets will give you the chance to waste hours that you normally would spend looking for a job and being frustrated on things that mean nothing in the grand scheme of life.
All in all UP, you should just say fuck it and try to live the lifestyle you thought you were going to have if you never had to work again. Only after you have exhausted all your monetary resources, your family has disowned you, and type two diabetes has fully set in should you make a bee line to those bottles of Tylenol. Just make sure to get them now and store them away, otherwise you'll be picking change out of the sofa to finance your exit from this fuck all world.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Travel Trouble
Dear FHA,
I'm going to be traveling with my boyfriend to meet his folks and I'm a bit nervous. This will be my first time meeting them and I really don't want to make a bad impression. There really is no cause for me to be nervous, but I just don't want to do anything that might make them have doubts about his choice to be with me. What should I do to avoid any embarrassing moments?
Sincerely,
New to the Family
Dear NTTF,
It's a nerve racking time when you are finally ready to meet the family of your significant other. There are so many expectations that you put on yourself that are not needed. I find it best to avoid situations like that by either picking chicks up at support groups for women grieving the loss of both parents or just finding women who want to punish their parent's by dating me. There's really no better way to approach a meeting with parents than knowing that you being in this person's life is just a big fuck you to daddy. However if you are really smitten with this person, here are some tips I used when I met my first wife's parents.
1. Be yourself. Now this is the most cliche thing to say, but cliches are born out of truth. Trying to be something you aren't is very transparent and will only cause awkward moments of silence in conversations. I had the urge to tell her parents that I was a banker that ran marathons. In actuality I worked at a brake shop and had a pretty large junk habit. Most of the conversations would have revolved around stuff I had read on pamphlets I picked up at my local Bank of America and Nike Town. However if things are in a rough spot in your life keep to talking about the positives. It was much easier to tell them about my recent advancement to Service Technician from my previous post of Tool Bitch. You may not be in the best position, but by showing them you are growing together is reassuring that their child has made a solid choice in life.
2. Find out some information on them ahead of time. A big mistake is to walk into a situation not knowing anything about your loved ones parents. Knowing things like religious beliefs, political leanings, and work backgrounds will help you gravitate to certain aspects you have in common, and avoid those where you differ. I am a staunch LaRouche man myself, while her parents leaned more toward the Moderate Liberal side. Knowing this I steered away from saying anything inflammatory about their poor political stances and love of killing babies. I did make sure to leave literature in all rooms of the house when we left, but a confrontation is something to be avoided. Consequently if you have integrated Fuck'n as an adjective in your vocabulary and they are fairly religious, let them drop the first F-Bomb before you follow suit. Playing by house rules has always been a good idea.
3. Be a lady. If you stay with your boyfriend's parents on the trip, make sure to be open to sleeping in different beds. My first wife and I met the morning after a black out drunk night of sex. However she insisted that we would sleep in different beds as to avoid any tension in the household. Even if the parents are progressive, its best to offer that up as the first option. We didn't want to have them feel uncomfortable even if its perfectly normal for a 31 year old man to sleep in the same bed as his 19 year old girlfriend. In addition, not having sex for a couple days never killed anyone. Getting finger blasted at the dinner table every night should hold you over. If that doesn't, make sure to be discreet about your carnal activities. Make sure to play some music really loud or put a pillow over your face as you scream obscenities at the top of your lungs while getting jammed. Being a good house guest goes a long way.
4. Don't let small things get to you. If there is any dissatisfaction voiced by your boyfriends parents about your relationship, listen, and let it roll of your back. If its an issue that can be addressed and discussed logically, do so. However remember at the end of the day you are with your boyfriend, not his parents. It's a choice that will have to be made by him. If his parents influence him that much, you probably don't want to be with him. When I was physically expelled from my first wife's house, I calmly stood on the lawn, told them I respected their opinions. Afterwards we went to a hotel, made a sex tape, and mailed it to them.
All in all this meeting will be awkward and nerve racking. Its just the way life goes when you care about someone enough to put up with all the other bullshit that his folks can dish out. If all else fails, elope.
Sincerely,
FHA
I'm going to be traveling with my boyfriend to meet his folks and I'm a bit nervous. This will be my first time meeting them and I really don't want to make a bad impression. There really is no cause for me to be nervous, but I just don't want to do anything that might make them have doubts about his choice to be with me. What should I do to avoid any embarrassing moments?
Sincerely,
New to the Family
Dear NTTF,
It's a nerve racking time when you are finally ready to meet the family of your significant other. There are so many expectations that you put on yourself that are not needed. I find it best to avoid situations like that by either picking chicks up at support groups for women grieving the loss of both parents or just finding women who want to punish their parent's by dating me. There's really no better way to approach a meeting with parents than knowing that you being in this person's life is just a big fuck you to daddy. However if you are really smitten with this person, here are some tips I used when I met my first wife's parents.
1. Be yourself. Now this is the most cliche thing to say, but cliches are born out of truth. Trying to be something you aren't is very transparent and will only cause awkward moments of silence in conversations. I had the urge to tell her parents that I was a banker that ran marathons. In actuality I worked at a brake shop and had a pretty large junk habit. Most of the conversations would have revolved around stuff I had read on pamphlets I picked up at my local Bank of America and Nike Town. However if things are in a rough spot in your life keep to talking about the positives. It was much easier to tell them about my recent advancement to Service Technician from my previous post of Tool Bitch. You may not be in the best position, but by showing them you are growing together is reassuring that their child has made a solid choice in life.
2. Find out some information on them ahead of time. A big mistake is to walk into a situation not knowing anything about your loved ones parents. Knowing things like religious beliefs, political leanings, and work backgrounds will help you gravitate to certain aspects you have in common, and avoid those where you differ. I am a staunch LaRouche man myself, while her parents leaned more toward the Moderate Liberal side. Knowing this I steered away from saying anything inflammatory about their poor political stances and love of killing babies. I did make sure to leave literature in all rooms of the house when we left, but a confrontation is something to be avoided. Consequently if you have integrated Fuck'n as an adjective in your vocabulary and they are fairly religious, let them drop the first F-Bomb before you follow suit. Playing by house rules has always been a good idea.
3. Be a lady. If you stay with your boyfriend's parents on the trip, make sure to be open to sleeping in different beds. My first wife and I met the morning after a black out drunk night of sex. However she insisted that we would sleep in different beds as to avoid any tension in the household. Even if the parents are progressive, its best to offer that up as the first option. We didn't want to have them feel uncomfortable even if its perfectly normal for a 31 year old man to sleep in the same bed as his 19 year old girlfriend. In addition, not having sex for a couple days never killed anyone. Getting finger blasted at the dinner table every night should hold you over. If that doesn't, make sure to be discreet about your carnal activities. Make sure to play some music really loud or put a pillow over your face as you scream obscenities at the top of your lungs while getting jammed. Being a good house guest goes a long way.
4. Don't let small things get to you. If there is any dissatisfaction voiced by your boyfriends parents about your relationship, listen, and let it roll of your back. If its an issue that can be addressed and discussed logically, do so. However remember at the end of the day you are with your boyfriend, not his parents. It's a choice that will have to be made by him. If his parents influence him that much, you probably don't want to be with him. When I was physically expelled from my first wife's house, I calmly stood on the lawn, told them I respected their opinions. Afterwards we went to a hotel, made a sex tape, and mailed it to them.
All in all this meeting will be awkward and nerve racking. Its just the way life goes when you care about someone enough to put up with all the other bullshit that his folks can dish out. If all else fails, elope.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Poor Job Morale
Dear FHA,
I'm a manager at company and oversee the order processing department. Unfortunately they have a monotonous job that gets very little recognition, as well as being pressure driven at times. There seems to be an issue with the morale of these people and I wondered if you had some ideas on how to make them "perk-up"?
Sincerely,
Confused Supervisor
Dear Confused Supervisor,
Sounds like you have a group of people that for one reason or another feel trapped in their jobs and under appreciated. With the current economic situation, its quite likely that they are nearing their threshold for the job, but are left with little options in terms of securing new, perhaps more fulfilling employment. Here are some tips you can follow to "perk-up", as you put it, your underlings.
1. Reward exceptional performance. The best way to keep employees working at their peak of efficiency is with rewards. The best reward I can think of giving a model employee is more work. This may not raise the moral of that particular employee, but it will raise the morale of the rest of the department. The more you work one person does, the less the group has to. Consequently more people get a break and are happier as a whole. One caveat of this is to not compensate your strong employee monetarily. Should word get out to the rest of the department, everyone will come with their hand out. If you should chose to give something other than more work as a reward try something paltry and of no real value. Perhaps a plastic toy that you attach some sort of significance to via a PowerPoint slide you show at all the weekly meetings. Sure, it may just be a toy, but it symbolizes the fact you did a good job, we noticed, and still chose to give you really nothing at all in return. Also, by constantly pushing the bounds of your standout's capabilities, there is a possibility of causing them to create an even more efficient way to accomplish the extra work. Should this prove to be the case, reward them again. Under no circumstance should this person be promoted from the position they have proved to be invaluable at.
2. Get feedback from your employees. By listening to their concerns and suggestions, its easy to get your finger on the pulse of dissatisfaction. Have them fill out long questionnaires, bring suggestions to meetings, and discuss issues in weekly one-on-one sessions. Once you have all of these issues compiled and written down, take the list to your backyard and set it on fire. Think of all their issues as venting. Its like writing letters to your loved one that you really don't mean. Just letting them get it off their chest should be sufficient to quell their unrest. If that doesn't seem to work, then offer them the opportunity to address the issue and all the work associated with the fix as a reward. There is nothing more rewarding than finding a problem, determining the solution, and then having to implement the change up through the chain of command all while maintaining your normal work volume. If it is something that you feel would benefit the company as a whole, and possibly garner some attention from your superiors, tweak it ever so slightly and send it up as a joint idea. That way you can shoulder the burden of jealously that one person in the department would be forced to carry should any monetary compensation come of it.
3. Lead by example. The best way to have your employees know what their expectations are is by seeing them demonstrated by their superiors. Make sure to show up to work on time, but more importantly, make sure to leave on time. Let them know that under no circumstances would you be willing to put in more than 40 hours at this job. If you're in a profession where the volume of work dictates how long some people may have to stay, make sure you pit your subordinates against each other. Guilt over a co-worker having to miss his third date in a row because he had to stay late will more than likely inspire others to stay and pitch in. This also allows you the freedom to clock out at exactly 5 PM after spending the last two hours of the afternoon looking at LOL cats. When several employees finally voice concern over this issue, make sure to address it in a departmental meeting to foster even more guilt among fellow co-workers, however don't offer any of your own time. This also gives your pool a chance to work without a boss breathing down their neck, and the opportunity to put on the "boss shoes" and get a feel for what it's like doing your job, by doing your job, every night.
4. Record progress and offer assistance in trouble areas. By identifying patterns of errors you are better able to find a solution for the small missteps that your group may be making. Once these are overcome, the overall efficiency of the pool will be higher making everyone's moral higher. Make sure to question everything that your employees do. Even if it makes perfect sense to you, and literally is in writing on their order, question it just the same. This will help develop a sense of helplessness and personal worthlessness. Once this has manifested in them they will be on the verge of emotional collapse. Make sure to distance yourself from your actions. The best way to do this is to have horrible communication between supervisors. Let them know it wasn't your choice and they should talk to Boss B. When they talk to Boss B they will use the same tactic stating it was Boss C's decision. This should lead them in a run-around that frustrates them enough for them to drop the issue. Let them know you are a cool person who is just following the command of "the man". This way you maintain their confidence as a decent human being. Which leads into the final tip...
5. Be a human being at work. It feels good to see your boss show a human side at work. It makes you easier to relate to and less like the evil figure head. Feel free to admit a mistake to your underlings when you have made one. However never admit this in writing or around your superior. The reason for this is to gain the confidence of your employees. Once you have their confidence they will be more likely to relay to you when they have made a mistake, show up late because of a hang-over, or are looking for a new job. With all this information you can use it against them whenever they try to make push for change to your system.
There are just a few of the gems that you can try to get your employees back into that happy groove you no doubt enjoy! If this doesn't work, start firing them one by one until you only have happy people left.
Sincerely,
FHA
I'm a manager at company and oversee the order processing department. Unfortunately they have a monotonous job that gets very little recognition, as well as being pressure driven at times. There seems to be an issue with the morale of these people and I wondered if you had some ideas on how to make them "perk-up"?
Sincerely,
Confused Supervisor
Dear Confused Supervisor,
Sounds like you have a group of people that for one reason or another feel trapped in their jobs and under appreciated. With the current economic situation, its quite likely that they are nearing their threshold for the job, but are left with little options in terms of securing new, perhaps more fulfilling employment. Here are some tips you can follow to "perk-up", as you put it, your underlings.
1. Reward exceptional performance. The best way to keep employees working at their peak of efficiency is with rewards. The best reward I can think of giving a model employee is more work. This may not raise the moral of that particular employee, but it will raise the morale of the rest of the department. The more you work one person does, the less the group has to. Consequently more people get a break and are happier as a whole. One caveat of this is to not compensate your strong employee monetarily. Should word get out to the rest of the department, everyone will come with their hand out. If you should chose to give something other than more work as a reward try something paltry and of no real value. Perhaps a plastic toy that you attach some sort of significance to via a PowerPoint slide you show at all the weekly meetings. Sure, it may just be a toy, but it symbolizes the fact you did a good job, we noticed, and still chose to give you really nothing at all in return. Also, by constantly pushing the bounds of your standout's capabilities, there is a possibility of causing them to create an even more efficient way to accomplish the extra work. Should this prove to be the case, reward them again. Under no circumstance should this person be promoted from the position they have proved to be invaluable at.
2. Get feedback from your employees. By listening to their concerns and suggestions, its easy to get your finger on the pulse of dissatisfaction. Have them fill out long questionnaires, bring suggestions to meetings, and discuss issues in weekly one-on-one sessions. Once you have all of these issues compiled and written down, take the list to your backyard and set it on fire. Think of all their issues as venting. Its like writing letters to your loved one that you really don't mean. Just letting them get it off their chest should be sufficient to quell their unrest. If that doesn't seem to work, then offer them the opportunity to address the issue and all the work associated with the fix as a reward. There is nothing more rewarding than finding a problem, determining the solution, and then having to implement the change up through the chain of command all while maintaining your normal work volume. If it is something that you feel would benefit the company as a whole, and possibly garner some attention from your superiors, tweak it ever so slightly and send it up as a joint idea. That way you can shoulder the burden of jealously that one person in the department would be forced to carry should any monetary compensation come of it.
3. Lead by example. The best way to have your employees know what their expectations are is by seeing them demonstrated by their superiors. Make sure to show up to work on time, but more importantly, make sure to leave on time. Let them know that under no circumstances would you be willing to put in more than 40 hours at this job. If you're in a profession where the volume of work dictates how long some people may have to stay, make sure you pit your subordinates against each other. Guilt over a co-worker having to miss his third date in a row because he had to stay late will more than likely inspire others to stay and pitch in. This also allows you the freedom to clock out at exactly 5 PM after spending the last two hours of the afternoon looking at LOL cats. When several employees finally voice concern over this issue, make sure to address it in a departmental meeting to foster even more guilt among fellow co-workers, however don't offer any of your own time. This also gives your pool a chance to work without a boss breathing down their neck, and the opportunity to put on the "boss shoes" and get a feel for what it's like doing your job, by doing your job, every night.
4. Record progress and offer assistance in trouble areas. By identifying patterns of errors you are better able to find a solution for the small missteps that your group may be making. Once these are overcome, the overall efficiency of the pool will be higher making everyone's moral higher. Make sure to question everything that your employees do. Even if it makes perfect sense to you, and literally is in writing on their order, question it just the same. This will help develop a sense of helplessness and personal worthlessness. Once this has manifested in them they will be on the verge of emotional collapse. Make sure to distance yourself from your actions. The best way to do this is to have horrible communication between supervisors. Let them know it wasn't your choice and they should talk to Boss B. When they talk to Boss B they will use the same tactic stating it was Boss C's decision. This should lead them in a run-around that frustrates them enough for them to drop the issue. Let them know you are a cool person who is just following the command of "the man". This way you maintain their confidence as a decent human being. Which leads into the final tip...
5. Be a human being at work. It feels good to see your boss show a human side at work. It makes you easier to relate to and less like the evil figure head. Feel free to admit a mistake to your underlings when you have made one. However never admit this in writing or around your superior. The reason for this is to gain the confidence of your employees. Once you have their confidence they will be more likely to relay to you when they have made a mistake, show up late because of a hang-over, or are looking for a new job. With all this information you can use it against them whenever they try to make push for change to your system.
There are just a few of the gems that you can try to get your employees back into that happy groove you no doubt enjoy! If this doesn't work, start firing them one by one until you only have happy people left.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Money Woes
Dear FHA,
With the current economic climate I've been working really hard to be more conscious about where I spend my money. I'm working really hard at finding places to put my money so it can work for me. I have a young child I want to send to college as well as a house payment. My job has a small 401K matching plan, but it won't be enough to support me and my wife when I retire, so I want to start saving for that as well. Do you have any investment tips that could help me achieve my goals?
Sincerely,
Goal Achieving Dad
Dear GAD,
Money seems to be the top issue on peoples minds these days. I also have had to tighten the purse strings in my financial life. Normally I wouldn't blink at dropping $200 on fireworks and Stetson cologne, but its hard to justify spending that much even on things as essential as those. With that in mind, I'll try to lead you to the river of wisdom I drink from.
1. Cut unnecessary costs. The number one way to save money is to spend less of the money that you do make. Look at your current budget and determine what you can eliminate. Better yet, try and find what you can keep and not pay for. I love having power but hate paying for it! With a few stealthily placed extension cords on neighboring properties, I enjoy the benefits of electricity without hemorrhaging cash. Similar strategies can be used to save money on water, sewage, and trash services. I would however recommend substituting hoses and buckets in place of extension cords for those particular endeavors.
2. Diversify your investments. The more places you have your money invested, the less likely you are to lose it all with one downturn. I fell victim to this several years ago. I had allocated almost my entire income to investing in snow globes. My portfolio was impressive as I had globes spanning from Maine to Hawaii, a place where it doesn't even snow! I was poised to retire in literally tens of years when an upstairs neighbor's meth lab blew, causing a percussion wave that knocked all of my investments from the display shelves and rendering their value near worthless. After such a monumental loss, I have headed my own advice and spread my investments to such areas as lottery tickets, topical T-shirts, and US Savings Bonds.
3. Secure extra income. Many people have hobbies that could garner them some extra cash in these tight times. Suppose you knit, you could sell scarves on e-bay. If you like to do video editing, try to find a wedding video someone needs some help with and is willing to pay. You really like to do drugs, buy a little extra and sell to your friends. There is no reason you can't turn your free time filler into a profitable venture.
4. Have realistic expectations. I know this one might be hardest to follow. Every parent wants to send junior to Yale, but will the benefits outweight the cost? Sure a great education is the right of every American. The thing you have to ask yourself is, what's junior going to do with it? Right now he licks windows and always seems to end up with pennies in his mouth. For him going to Yale will only be a six-figure piece of paper on the wall. I always say shoot for the highest point on the mountain that you can get to without spending a ton on a guide or having to take a cab there. Something like DeVry might be your best bet. It isn't just the fact you're only paying for two years of school, its the fact that junior will be working for an extra two years earning top wages for his Associates degree/certifcate field. The sooner you are earning the better. Plus Yale kids are all fags.
5. Act on your plans. The worst thing you can do is sit by and think about what you should be doing instead of actually doing it. I can say I'm gonna start saving money when I'm eight Red-dogs deep on a Thursday afternoon, but until I start saving it means nothing. Even if you just start with a change jar, preferably one that you can't easily get the money back out of, is a good start. Actions speak louder than drunken slurs.
6. Lie, cheat, and steal. Its been working for Corporate America for years. Golden parachutes, Government bailouts, bonuses paid on false earning reports. This one really speaks for itself, so get you some.
GAD, these are the pointers I would suggest to any parent that is looking to save for retirement and their childs education. Its a rough time right now so being diligent is the best you can hope for. If you truely love your wife and child, and want to provide for them as best as possible, follow this advice. However if you aren't that attached to your kid, get a large insurance policy, fake a house fire, and leave the kid in there. Instant chunk of change, and with all that college savings you could get a boat to play with on your new lake home. Just a thought.
Sincerely,
FHA
With the current economic climate I've been working really hard to be more conscious about where I spend my money. I'm working really hard at finding places to put my money so it can work for me. I have a young child I want to send to college as well as a house payment. My job has a small 401K matching plan, but it won't be enough to support me and my wife when I retire, so I want to start saving for that as well. Do you have any investment tips that could help me achieve my goals?
Sincerely,
Goal Achieving Dad
Dear GAD,
Money seems to be the top issue on peoples minds these days. I also have had to tighten the purse strings in my financial life. Normally I wouldn't blink at dropping $200 on fireworks and Stetson cologne, but its hard to justify spending that much even on things as essential as those. With that in mind, I'll try to lead you to the river of wisdom I drink from.
1. Cut unnecessary costs. The number one way to save money is to spend less of the money that you do make. Look at your current budget and determine what you can eliminate. Better yet, try and find what you can keep and not pay for. I love having power but hate paying for it! With a few stealthily placed extension cords on neighboring properties, I enjoy the benefits of electricity without hemorrhaging cash. Similar strategies can be used to save money on water, sewage, and trash services. I would however recommend substituting hoses and buckets in place of extension cords for those particular endeavors.
2. Diversify your investments. The more places you have your money invested, the less likely you are to lose it all with one downturn. I fell victim to this several years ago. I had allocated almost my entire income to investing in snow globes. My portfolio was impressive as I had globes spanning from Maine to Hawaii, a place where it doesn't even snow! I was poised to retire in literally tens of years when an upstairs neighbor's meth lab blew, causing a percussion wave that knocked all of my investments from the display shelves and rendering their value near worthless. After such a monumental loss, I have headed my own advice and spread my investments to such areas as lottery tickets, topical T-shirts, and US Savings Bonds.
3. Secure extra income. Many people have hobbies that could garner them some extra cash in these tight times. Suppose you knit, you could sell scarves on e-bay. If you like to do video editing, try to find a wedding video someone needs some help with and is willing to pay. You really like to do drugs, buy a little extra and sell to your friends. There is no reason you can't turn your free time filler into a profitable venture.
4. Have realistic expectations. I know this one might be hardest to follow. Every parent wants to send junior to Yale, but will the benefits outweight the cost? Sure a great education is the right of every American. The thing you have to ask yourself is, what's junior going to do with it? Right now he licks windows and always seems to end up with pennies in his mouth. For him going to Yale will only be a six-figure piece of paper on the wall. I always say shoot for the highest point on the mountain that you can get to without spending a ton on a guide or having to take a cab there. Something like DeVry might be your best bet. It isn't just the fact you're only paying for two years of school, its the fact that junior will be working for an extra two years earning top wages for his Associates degree/certifcate field. The sooner you are earning the better. Plus Yale kids are all fags.
5. Act on your plans. The worst thing you can do is sit by and think about what you should be doing instead of actually doing it. I can say I'm gonna start saving money when I'm eight Red-dogs deep on a Thursday afternoon, but until I start saving it means nothing. Even if you just start with a change jar, preferably one that you can't easily get the money back out of, is a good start. Actions speak louder than drunken slurs.
6. Lie, cheat, and steal. Its been working for Corporate America for years. Golden parachutes, Government bailouts, bonuses paid on false earning reports. This one really speaks for itself, so get you some.
GAD, these are the pointers I would suggest to any parent that is looking to save for retirement and their childs education. Its a rough time right now so being diligent is the best you can hope for. If you truely love your wife and child, and want to provide for them as best as possible, follow this advice. However if you aren't that attached to your kid, get a large insurance policy, fake a house fire, and leave the kid in there. Instant chunk of change, and with all that college savings you could get a boat to play with on your new lake home. Just a thought.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Valentine's Day
Dear FHA,
Valentine's Day is just around the corner! I have been dating a girl for several months now, and I really would like to do something special for her. She isn't the type that would be floored by the cliches, so I need to really put my best foot forward. What advice can you give for impressing that special someone?
Sincerely,
Willing to Try Anything
Dear WTA,
I completely understand the predicament you are in. I myself have found that in my personal life I have been let down by the cliche acts of even the everyday. For the longest time I was content to go home after work, watch a television program while eating a Swanson's chicken potpie, then retire to my twin sized bed for a night of restful sleep. In my progression of life it has now become literally impossible for me to fall asleep without spending several hours dance-fighting a heavy bag in my studio then immediately followed by organizing my Little Golden Book collection. But that is another column all together.
Valentine's day, the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. I took that last sentence from Wiki-pedia, so those activities must be the most generic run of the mill, and obviously what you are looking to avoid. Here are a few pointers that will keep you from falling into the stereotypes that have been laid out by the Hallmark Machine.
Find something that you can do together for free. There's so much pressure put on couples these days to spend a bunch of money on each other. The expectations are to go out to dinner, buy flowers, chocolates, a card, all of these things are expensive. There are more ways to express your love than with money. I would recommend you get tested at a free clinic. Sure you can say you love your sweetheart, but going to make sure you don't have a communicable crotch disease is putting those words into action. Not only is it free, but you have the opportunity to grow your relationship to the next level. And should one of you come back with a positive result, you'll be able to buy medication thanks to the money you saved by skipping dinner and flowers.
Maybe you are looking to spend a little money on your lover but want the most bang for the buck. The best way to make your giving dollar last as long as possible is to give them a pet that you got off of Craigslist. Nothing really shows another person that you care about their personal well-being than by giving them another life to care for. By entrusting them with something that they will have dedicate vast amounts of time, affection, and money towards will show them that you trust them in your relationship. In addition, the less the topic has been discussed and more unexpected the better. It will show you are a person with a spontaneous and caring side. Who doesn't love animals?!
Let's say however that you are one of the uppity cock ranchers that has lots of money to blow on this holiday. Still you don't want to float down the beaten river. Well, let's make this a Valentine's day to remember. With your vast amounts of currency, bribe a physician into issuing a written statement that you are going to die in a matter of days. The disease itself isn't important, but try to avoid anything that could be considered contagious or interfere with sexual relations. Once this has been accepted as fact by your mate, let them know that you wish to spend 4 of your last 5 days with them before you die. Your activities from there are entirely up to you and your check book. Those 4 days will be the most romantic and memorable for your partner. They will remember the time you had together right before you died. On the fifth day you will request some solace to die in the Alps with your thoughts and spiritual counselors. However you will just be escaping to your private jet filled with male/female sex slaves that are physically perfect except for one major flaw, which in turn keeps them under your thumb due to the fact you confront them about it whenever you sense their self-esteem growing to a level that would make them capable of leaving. Or whatever rich people keep in their private jets.
I'm no love doctor by any stretch the mind and don't rely on this day to fix a broken relationship. However if you have a healthy interaction with another human being and they feel the same way about you, there are so many possibilities on a day to express your affection. I myself will be waking up early to drink myself sufficiently brave to throw a flatbed full of oranges at the E-harmony headquarters for deleting my account because of "lewd verbiage" and "suggestive photographs". In my book, expressing your love to a loved one is almost as good as expressing your hate to a hated one.
Sincerely,
FHA
Valentine's Day is just around the corner! I have been dating a girl for several months now, and I really would like to do something special for her. She isn't the type that would be floored by the cliches, so I need to really put my best foot forward. What advice can you give for impressing that special someone?
Sincerely,
Willing to Try Anything
Dear WTA,
I completely understand the predicament you are in. I myself have found that in my personal life I have been let down by the cliche acts of even the everyday. For the longest time I was content to go home after work, watch a television program while eating a Swanson's chicken potpie, then retire to my twin sized bed for a night of restful sleep. In my progression of life it has now become literally impossible for me to fall asleep without spending several hours dance-fighting a heavy bag in my studio then immediately followed by organizing my Little Golden Book collection. But that is another column all together.
Valentine's day, the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. I took that last sentence from Wiki-pedia, so those activities must be the most generic run of the mill, and obviously what you are looking to avoid. Here are a few pointers that will keep you from falling into the stereotypes that have been laid out by the Hallmark Machine.
Find something that you can do together for free. There's so much pressure put on couples these days to spend a bunch of money on each other. The expectations are to go out to dinner, buy flowers, chocolates, a card, all of these things are expensive. There are more ways to express your love than with money. I would recommend you get tested at a free clinic. Sure you can say you love your sweetheart, but going to make sure you don't have a communicable crotch disease is putting those words into action. Not only is it free, but you have the opportunity to grow your relationship to the next level. And should one of you come back with a positive result, you'll be able to buy medication thanks to the money you saved by skipping dinner and flowers.
Maybe you are looking to spend a little money on your lover but want the most bang for the buck. The best way to make your giving dollar last as long as possible is to give them a pet that you got off of Craigslist. Nothing really shows another person that you care about their personal well-being than by giving them another life to care for. By entrusting them with something that they will have dedicate vast amounts of time, affection, and money towards will show them that you trust them in your relationship. In addition, the less the topic has been discussed and more unexpected the better. It will show you are a person with a spontaneous and caring side. Who doesn't love animals?!
Let's say however that you are one of the uppity cock ranchers that has lots of money to blow on this holiday. Still you don't want to float down the beaten river. Well, let's make this a Valentine's day to remember. With your vast amounts of currency, bribe a physician into issuing a written statement that you are going to die in a matter of days. The disease itself isn't important, but try to avoid anything that could be considered contagious or interfere with sexual relations. Once this has been accepted as fact by your mate, let them know that you wish to spend 4 of your last 5 days with them before you die. Your activities from there are entirely up to you and your check book. Those 4 days will be the most romantic and memorable for your partner. They will remember the time you had together right before you died. On the fifth day you will request some solace to die in the Alps with your thoughts and spiritual counselors. However you will just be escaping to your private jet filled with male/female sex slaves that are physically perfect except for one major flaw, which in turn keeps them under your thumb due to the fact you confront them about it whenever you sense their self-esteem growing to a level that would make them capable of leaving. Or whatever rich people keep in their private jets.
I'm no love doctor by any stretch the mind and don't rely on this day to fix a broken relationship. However if you have a healthy interaction with another human being and they feel the same way about you, there are so many possibilities on a day to express your affection. I myself will be waking up early to drink myself sufficiently brave to throw a flatbed full of oranges at the E-harmony headquarters for deleting my account because of "lewd verbiage" and "suggestive photographs". In my book, expressing your love to a loved one is almost as good as expressing your hate to a hated one.
Sincerely,
FHA
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Job Interview
Dear FHA,
I am trying to get a new job but with the current economy it has proven to be pretty tough. The worst part is that I'm perfectly qualified for all the positions I seek, but my resume seems generic and when it comes to the interview I choke! Please tell me if you have any advice on how to land the perfect new job.
Sincerely,
Blows at Having Jobs
Dear Blows at HJs,
It appears that you suffer from a common malady of having a bland resume, and even blander personality. I'll go ahead and lay out how I am able to secure jobs with ease, and hopefully you can walk away with some helpful tips.
My resume consists of the names of women I've bedded handwritten on bar-napkins, cross-word puzzles I have completed, and ticket stubs to movies that I guessed the ending to before the reveal. Now this may sound messy, but I've laminated all of the above items onto a legal sized piece of paper. Anything more than one page is too much for any employer to be expected to read. Keep it concise and to the point. For my cover letter I normally just tear out a page of "Mature Squirters", not just any page, but a page that I have deemed attention grabbing. You need to stand out in the job market today, so set yourself apart from your fellow applicant. With all the resumes they are sure to field you don't want to get lost in the shuffle. Another aspect that is too often forgotten is customizing the cover letter for each potential job. You can't have a grandma of twelve geysering ejac across a Motel 6 comforter if you are looking at a job in banking. That's absurd. Try and find a spread where the senior citizen is wearing something classy and has a semi-expensive object mostly inside her. To be a banker, you must speak a banker's language.
Now for the interview. I have been offered every job that I have interviewed for. Across the board from Carnival Barker, to Band Roadie, to Hedge Fund Director, all have seen the confidence I bring into the door and respect it. Here are a few tips:
1. Stay calm. If you are visibly nervous then you are already doomed. One way to avoid appearing/being nervous is to show up drunk. I never walk into a situation like that with less than a pint of gin in me. Not only will you feel relaxed and ready to attack the interview, but the interviewer will know you don't give a fuck if you get the job or not. That tells them that you are a qualified applicant that is capable of securing a job wherever you please. In turn they will treat your interview more in the manner of you interviewing them as to why you should work there.
2. Dress the part. Sure you know about computers, but can your future boss tell? Nothing says "I don't know what I'm talking about" like a suit. Any upright walking turd can buy a suit and pretend to know something about a profession. Case and point is the guy who squirts soap onto my hands in the club bathroom. Nice clothes don't always dictate professional prowess. So you want to be an IT guy? Wear your WoW shirt and sweats. It shows that not only is your work your passion, but you are willing to put the long hours that might be required in. It also lets the interviewer know that you spend more time on the job than in front of a mirror being vain.
3. Get the compensation you deserve. The biggest problem with acquiring a new job is not knowing what the industry standard salary is. The best way to find this out is to ask your interviewer what he/she makes. Take what they make and add 15% as your asking salary. The reason for this is that they will counter offer with a lower number. Make sure that you wear plenty of expensive jewelry on your hands and neck. By doing this you show your future employer that you need this money to support a lifestyle that includes diamonds and white gold. Without it, the negotiations will be harder and most likely end with a knife being pulled.
4. Thank the interviewer for their time. I've seen so many interviews that were almost sure things lost because of a lack of manners. Even if you're interview hasn't been to your exact standards, thank the person for their time with a gesture of $50 or more. It addition make sure to send a thank you card to the person as well with a case of pricey booze. There have been many times I've walked out of an interview on the bubble and had this display of manners tip the scales in my favor.
With all of this fantastic advice, you should have no trouble landing a job. Qualifications are important, but remember they are investing in the person. So make sure the person they meet is one that will leave a lasting impression as a person they want to have work with them.
Sincerely,
FHA
I am trying to get a new job but with the current economy it has proven to be pretty tough. The worst part is that I'm perfectly qualified for all the positions I seek, but my resume seems generic and when it comes to the interview I choke! Please tell me if you have any advice on how to land the perfect new job.
Sincerely,
Blows at Having Jobs
Dear Blows at HJs,
It appears that you suffer from a common malady of having a bland resume, and even blander personality. I'll go ahead and lay out how I am able to secure jobs with ease, and hopefully you can walk away with some helpful tips.
My resume consists of the names of women I've bedded handwritten on bar-napkins, cross-word puzzles I have completed, and ticket stubs to movies that I guessed the ending to before the reveal. Now this may sound messy, but I've laminated all of the above items onto a legal sized piece of paper. Anything more than one page is too much for any employer to be expected to read. Keep it concise and to the point. For my cover letter I normally just tear out a page of "Mature Squirters", not just any page, but a page that I have deemed attention grabbing. You need to stand out in the job market today, so set yourself apart from your fellow applicant. With all the resumes they are sure to field you don't want to get lost in the shuffle. Another aspect that is too often forgotten is customizing the cover letter for each potential job. You can't have a grandma of twelve geysering ejac across a Motel 6 comforter if you are looking at a job in banking. That's absurd. Try and find a spread where the senior citizen is wearing something classy and has a semi-expensive object mostly inside her. To be a banker, you must speak a banker's language.
Now for the interview. I have been offered every job that I have interviewed for. Across the board from Carnival Barker, to Band Roadie, to Hedge Fund Director, all have seen the confidence I bring into the door and respect it. Here are a few tips:
1. Stay calm. If you are visibly nervous then you are already doomed. One way to avoid appearing/being nervous is to show up drunk. I never walk into a situation like that with less than a pint of gin in me. Not only will you feel relaxed and ready to attack the interview, but the interviewer will know you don't give a fuck if you get the job or not. That tells them that you are a qualified applicant that is capable of securing a job wherever you please. In turn they will treat your interview more in the manner of you interviewing them as to why you should work there.
2. Dress the part. Sure you know about computers, but can your future boss tell? Nothing says "I don't know what I'm talking about" like a suit. Any upright walking turd can buy a suit and pretend to know something about a profession. Case and point is the guy who squirts soap onto my hands in the club bathroom. Nice clothes don't always dictate professional prowess. So you want to be an IT guy? Wear your WoW shirt and sweats. It shows that not only is your work your passion, but you are willing to put the long hours that might be required in. It also lets the interviewer know that you spend more time on the job than in front of a mirror being vain.
3. Get the compensation you deserve. The biggest problem with acquiring a new job is not knowing what the industry standard salary is. The best way to find this out is to ask your interviewer what he/she makes. Take what they make and add 15% as your asking salary. The reason for this is that they will counter offer with a lower number. Make sure that you wear plenty of expensive jewelry on your hands and neck. By doing this you show your future employer that you need this money to support a lifestyle that includes diamonds and white gold. Without it, the negotiations will be harder and most likely end with a knife being pulled.
4. Thank the interviewer for their time. I've seen so many interviews that were almost sure things lost because of a lack of manners. Even if you're interview hasn't been to your exact standards, thank the person for their time with a gesture of $50 or more. It addition make sure to send a thank you card to the person as well with a case of pricey booze. There have been many times I've walked out of an interview on the bubble and had this display of manners tip the scales in my favor.
With all of this fantastic advice, you should have no trouble landing a job. Qualifications are important, but remember they are investing in the person. So make sure the person they meet is one that will leave a lasting impression as a person they want to have work with them.
Sincerely,
FHA
Friday, April 25, 2008
Neighbor Problems
Dear FHA,
I have these neighbors who live below me and they are constantly getting upset that my roommates and I make too much noise. Most of the time its on weekends in the middle of the day! They slam a broom handle against our floor, their ceiling, when they feel we should be quiet. We have talked to them in the past but they just shrug it off like we are some type of party house. Is there a way to confront them about their unreasonable quiet demands? Please Help!
Sincerely,
Walking on Egg Shells
Dear WOES,
Sounds like you live above some serious cock-chugging gashes. I would say set fire to the apartment building after getting renter's insurance. If that isn't an option because you are only one strike away from a life sentence like me, then here are some alternatives.
Kill them with kindness. Be as nice as possible to their faces so they have no reason to ever get upset with you. At the same time do horrible things to their property. One trick I have used is to let your neighbors know you are going to be gone for several days out of town. Ask they to keep an eye on stuff cause you trust and respect them. The trick is that you are just staying at a friends house down the street, which allows plenty of opportunity to vandalize their property while remaining blame free. In the protection of night, show up and shit in their mailbox. Public dumping not your cup of tea? You can also key a message like "I hate Spics" into their car's paint job. Even if they get it touched up there is still one good day of explaining to do about why they are so racist. Not into damage to property? Perhaps you could play any Venga Boys song loudly on repeat for the entirety of the time you are not home during the day. Should they wish to have time with silence when you are not home they are fucked. This may lead them to talk to you about the issues, at which time you can tell them what a fuck-bag you think they are. Make sure they throw the first punch. Once you have been struck call the police and have a restraining order put on them. This will probably lead to them having to move or stay elsewhere for an extended period of time while you can enjoy making as much noise as you like.
Should the landlord be brought into the equation, explain to them how said neighbor is running a child porn ring out of his place. Make sure to have manufactured evidence to support your accusations. Problem solved.
Should you defer all of these options simply inform all vagrants and crack addicts in your area that your neighbor carries large amounts of money in a pouch located in his stomach. The situation should handle itself and you'll have a new neighbor as soon as his next of kin comes to remove his belongings from the apartment.
Sincerely,
FHA
I have these neighbors who live below me and they are constantly getting upset that my roommates and I make too much noise. Most of the time its on weekends in the middle of the day! They slam a broom handle against our floor, their ceiling, when they feel we should be quiet. We have talked to them in the past but they just shrug it off like we are some type of party house. Is there a way to confront them about their unreasonable quiet demands? Please Help!
Sincerely,
Walking on Egg Shells
Dear WOES,
Sounds like you live above some serious cock-chugging gashes. I would say set fire to the apartment building after getting renter's insurance. If that isn't an option because you are only one strike away from a life sentence like me, then here are some alternatives.
Kill them with kindness. Be as nice as possible to their faces so they have no reason to ever get upset with you. At the same time do horrible things to their property. One trick I have used is to let your neighbors know you are going to be gone for several days out of town. Ask they to keep an eye on stuff cause you trust and respect them. The trick is that you are just staying at a friends house down the street, which allows plenty of opportunity to vandalize their property while remaining blame free. In the protection of night, show up and shit in their mailbox. Public dumping not your cup of tea? You can also key a message like "I hate Spics" into their car's paint job. Even if they get it touched up there is still one good day of explaining to do about why they are so racist. Not into damage to property? Perhaps you could play any Venga Boys song loudly on repeat for the entirety of the time you are not home during the day. Should they wish to have time with silence when you are not home they are fucked. This may lead them to talk to you about the issues, at which time you can tell them what a fuck-bag you think they are. Make sure they throw the first punch. Once you have been struck call the police and have a restraining order put on them. This will probably lead to them having to move or stay elsewhere for an extended period of time while you can enjoy making as much noise as you like.
Should the landlord be brought into the equation, explain to them how said neighbor is running a child porn ring out of his place. Make sure to have manufactured evidence to support your accusations. Problem solved.
Should you defer all of these options simply inform all vagrants and crack addicts in your area that your neighbor carries large amounts of money in a pouch located in his stomach. The situation should handle itself and you'll have a new neighbor as soon as his next of kin comes to remove his belongings from the apartment.
Sincerely,
FHA
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Waking Up for Work
Dear FHA,
I have an issue with getting up in time for work. I know I only have to be there at 10 AM but every time I tell myself to get up I just can't. In fact the more I try to get to bed early I just end up tossing and turning for hours. I never had this problem before when I had to work at a much earlier time. It feels like my luxury to sleep longer has become a hurdle in my effort to further my career due to my constant tardiness. Please help!
Sincerely,
Sleepless in the Fetal.
Dear SITF,
I can completely understand where you are coming from. I myself have the sole job of rolling my ass off my step-mother's basement couch, not getting too fucked up to read a letter, and then respond. However this proves to be a chore due to my depression and blatant abuse of alcohol and narcotics. So this leads me to suggest the method that I use to continue my excessive life-style while keeping my job.
The trick is to get through as many hours of work in one sitting so you have tons of free time and exhaustion. You see, I normally have one month of free time after every work day I put in. You may wonder how this is possible. How could you possibly work that much in a row to have that much free time? Well for me its simple, one day a week I drink my coffee without whiskey and am usually too broke to call Sadanka for some more heroin. At this point I probably owe him a fair amount of money and want to avoid another beer bottle scar to the face. After the coffee I make my way down the library where I roll a grammar school child for their entire prescription of Ritalin. After four hits from a phonebook and several threats of appearing from under his bed at night to rape his mouth shut, should he ever talk, I make my way home to get my day started. I crush those little gems up and snort them up at a dangerous pace. This allows me to burn through four letters in a matter of hours. This allows me an entire month to sleep and do horrible things to strangers while on a kedamine induced stupor. Think about it SITF, all you would have to do is work 160 straight hours and you would have a whole month to catch up on your shut-eye! Just make an investment of $200 in meth on a Monday and get that month started right. The first 72 hours are the worst. But after you hit that mark the rest will be a blur, if remembered at all. Just make sure to have plenty of bananas and Gatorade on hand, otherwise you might accidentally take some sick days towards the last 12 hours of your shift. This leaves almost a whole month to spend with your family, catch up on sleep, or regret what a poor choice it was having unprotected sex at an impromptu vagrant orgy. Now that sounds like time well spent.
Well SITF, this should take care of all you worries about advancing in your new career due to tardiness. Judging by my shaking hands and thirst for Old Granddad, my work month is about to end.
Sincerely,
FHA
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