Valentine's Day

Dear FHA,

Valentine's Day is just around the corner! I have been dating a girl for several months now, and I really would like to do something special for her. She isn't the type that would be floored by the cliches, so I need to really put my best foot forward. What advice can you give for impressing that special someone?

Sincerely,
Willing to Try Anything


Dear WTA,

I completely understand the predicament you are in. I myself have found that in my personal life I have been let down by the cliche acts of even the everyday. For the longest time I was content to go home after work, watch a television program while eating a Swanson's chicken potpie, then retire to my twin sized bed for a night of restful sleep. In my progression of life it has now become literally impossible for me to fall asleep without spending several hours dance-fighting a heavy bag in my studio then immediately followed by organizing my Little Golden Book collection. But that is another column all together.

Valentine's day, the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. I took that last sentence from Wiki-pedia, so those activities must be the most generic run of the mill, and obviously what you are looking to avoid. Here are a few pointers that will keep you from falling into the stereotypes that have been laid out by the Hallmark Machine.

Find something that you can do together for free. There's so much pressure put on couples these days to spend a bunch of money on each other. The expectations are to go out to dinner, buy flowers, chocolates, a card, all of these things are expensive. There are more ways to express your love than with money. I would recommend you get tested at a free clinic. Sure you can say you love your sweetheart, but going to make sure you don't have a communicable crotch disease is putting those words into action. Not only is it free, but you have the opportunity to grow your relationship to the next level. And should one of you come back with a positive result, you'll be able to buy medication thanks to the money you saved by skipping dinner and flowers.

Maybe you are looking to spend a little money on your lover but want the most bang for the buck. The best way to make your giving dollar last as long as possible is to give them a pet that you got off of Craigslist. Nothing really shows another person that you care about their personal well-being than by giving them another life to care for. By entrusting them with something that they will have dedicate vast amounts of time, affection, and money towards will show them that you trust them in your relationship. In addition, the less the topic has been discussed and more unexpected the better. It will show you are a person with a spontaneous and caring side. Who doesn't love animals?!

Let's say however that you are one of the uppity cock ranchers that has lots of money to blow on this holiday. Still you don't want to float down the beaten river. Well, let's make this a Valentine's day to remember. With your vast amounts of currency, bribe a physician into issuing a written statement that you are going to die in a matter of days. The disease itself isn't important, but try to avoid anything that could be considered contagious or interfere with sexual relations. Once this has been accepted as fact by your mate, let them know that you wish to spend 4 of your last 5 days with them before you die. Your activities from there are entirely up to you and your check book. Those 4 days will be the most romantic and memorable for your partner. They will remember the time you had together right before you died. On the fifth day you will request some solace to die in the Alps with your thoughts and spiritual counselors. However you will just be escaping to your private jet filled with male/female sex slaves that are physically perfect except for one major flaw, which in turn keeps them under your thumb due to the fact you confront them about it whenever you sense their self-esteem growing to a level that would make them capable of leaving. Or whatever rich people keep in their private jets.

I'm no love doctor by any stretch the mind and don't rely on this day to fix a broken relationship. However if you have a healthy interaction with another human being and they feel the same way about you, there are so many possibilities on a day to express your affection. I myself will be waking up early to drink myself sufficiently brave to throw a flatbed full of oranges at the E-harmony headquarters for deleting my account because of "lewd verbiage" and "suggestive photographs". In my book, expressing your love to a loved one is almost as good as expressing your hate to a hated one.

Sincerely,
FHA