Job Interview

Dear FHA,

I am trying to get a new job but with the current economy it has proven to be pretty tough. The worst part is that I'm perfectly qualified for all the positions I seek, but my resume seems generic and when it comes to the interview I choke! Please tell me if you have any advice on how to land the perfect new job.

Sincerely,
Blows at Having Jobs


Dear Blows at HJs,

It appears that you suffer from a common malady of having a bland resume, and even blander personality. I'll go ahead and lay out how I am able to secure jobs with ease, and hopefully you can walk away with some helpful tips.

My resume consists of the names of women I've bedded handwritten on bar-napkins, cross-word puzzles I have completed, and ticket stubs to movies that I guessed the ending to before the reveal. Now this may sound messy, but I've laminated all of the above items onto a legal sized piece of paper. Anything more than one page is too much for any employer to be expected to read. Keep it concise and to the point. For my cover letter I normally just tear out a page of "Mature Squirters", not just any page, but a page that I have deemed attention grabbing. You need to stand out in the job market today, so set yourself apart from your fellow applicant. With all the resumes they are sure to field you don't want to get lost in the shuffle. Another aspect that is too often forgotten is customizing the cover letter for each potential job. You can't have a grandma of twelve geysering ejac across a Motel 6 comforter if you are looking at a job in banking. That's absurd. Try and find a spread where the senior citizen is wearing something classy and has a semi-expensive object mostly inside her. To be a banker, you must speak a banker's language.

Now for the interview. I have been offered every job that I have interviewed for. Across the board from Carnival Barker, to Band Roadie, to Hedge Fund Director, all have seen the confidence I bring into the door and respect it. Here are a few tips:

1. Stay calm. If you are visibly nervous then you are already doomed. One way to avoid appearing/being nervous is to show up drunk. I never walk into a situation like that with less than a pint of gin in me. Not only will you feel relaxed and ready to attack the interview, but the interviewer will know you don't give a fuck if you get the job or not. That tells them that you are a qualified applicant that is capable of securing a job wherever you please. In turn they will treat your interview more in the manner of you interviewing them as to why you should work there.

2. Dress the part. Sure you know about computers, but can your future boss tell? Nothing says "I don't know what I'm talking about" like a suit. Any upright walking turd can buy a suit and pretend to know something about a profession. Case and point is the guy who squirts soap onto my hands in the club bathroom. Nice clothes don't always dictate professional prowess. So you want to be an IT guy? Wear your WoW shirt and sweats. It shows that not only is your work your passion, but you are willing to put the long hours that might be required in. It also lets the interviewer know that you spend more time on the job than in front of a mirror being vain.

3. Get the compensation you deserve. The biggest problem with acquiring a new job is not knowing what the industry standard salary is. The best way to find this out is to ask your interviewer what he/she makes. Take what they make and add 15% as your asking salary. The reason for this is that they will counter offer with a lower number. Make sure that you wear plenty of expensive jewelry on your hands and neck. By doing this you show your future employer that you need this money to support a lifestyle that includes diamonds and white gold. Without it, the negotiations will be harder and most likely end with a knife being pulled.

4. Thank the interviewer for their time. I've seen so many interviews that were almost sure things lost because of a lack of manners. Even if you're interview hasn't been to your exact standards, thank the person for their time with a gesture of $50 or more. It addition make sure to send a thank you card to the person as well with a case of pricey booze. There have been many times I've walked out of an interview on the bubble and had this display of manners tip the scales in my favor.

With all of this fantastic advice, you should have no trouble landing a job. Qualifications are important, but remember they are investing in the person. So make sure the person they meet is one that will leave a lasting impression as a person they want to have work with them.

Sincerely,
FHA