Neighbor Problems

Dear FHA,

I have these neighbors who live below me and they are constantly getting upset that my roommates and I make too much noise. Most of the time its on weekends in the middle of the day! They slam a broom handle against our floor, their ceiling, when they feel we should be quiet. We have talked to them in the past but they just shrug it off like we are some type of party house. Is there a way to confront them about their unreasonable quiet demands? Please Help!

Sincerely,
Walking on Egg Shells




Dear WOES,

Sounds like you live above some serious cock-chugging gashes. I would say set fire to the apartment building after getting renter's insurance. If that isn't an option because you are only one strike away from a life sentence like me, then here are some alternatives.

Kill them with kindness. Be as nice as possible to their faces so they have no reason to ever get upset with you. At the same time do horrible things to their property. One trick I have used is to let your neighbors know you are going to be gone for several days out of town. Ask they to keep an eye on stuff cause you trust and respect them. The trick is that you are just staying at a friends house down the street, which allows plenty of opportunity to vandalize their property while remaining blame free. In the protection of night, show up and shit in their mailbox. Public dumping not your cup of tea? You can also key a message like "I hate Spics" into their car's paint job. Even if they get it touched up there is still one good day of explaining to do about why they are so racist. Not into damage to property? Perhaps you could play any Venga Boys song loudly on repeat for the entirety of the time you are not home during the day. Should they wish to have time with silence when you are not home they are fucked. This may lead them to talk to you about the issues, at which time you can tell them what a fuck-bag you think they are. Make sure they throw the first punch. Once you have been struck call the police and have a restraining order put on them. This will probably lead to them having to move or stay elsewhere for an extended period of time while you can enjoy making as much noise as you like.
Should the landlord be brought into the equation, explain to them how said neighbor is running a child porn ring out of his place. Make sure to have manufactured evidence to support your accusations. Problem solved.

Should you defer all of these options simply inform all vagrants and crack addicts in your area that your neighbor carries large amounts of money in a pouch located in his stomach. The situation should handle itself and you'll have a new neighbor as soon as his next of kin comes to remove his belongings from the apartment.

Sincerely,
FHA