Travel Trouble

Dear FHA,

I'm going to be traveling with my boyfriend to meet his folks and I'm a bit nervous. This will be my first time meeting them and I really don't want to make a bad impression. There really is no cause for me to be nervous, but I just don't want to do anything that might make them have doubts about his choice to be with me. What should I do to avoid any embarrassing moments?

Sincerely,
New to the Family


Dear NTTF,

It's a nerve racking time when you are finally ready to meet the family of your significant other. There are so many expectations that you put on yourself that are not needed. I find it best to avoid situations like that by either picking chicks up at support groups for women grieving the loss of both parents or just finding women who want to punish their parent's by dating me. There's really no better way to approach a meeting with parents than knowing that you being in this person's life is just a big fuck you to daddy. However if you are really smitten with this person, here are some tips I used when I met my first wife's parents.

1. Be yourself. Now this is the most cliche thing to say, but cliches are born out of truth. Trying to be something you aren't is very transparent and will only cause awkward moments of silence in conversations. I had the urge to tell her parents that I was a banker that ran marathons. In actuality I worked at a brake shop and had a pretty large junk habit. Most of the conversations would have revolved around stuff I had read on pamphlets I picked up at my local Bank of America and Nike Town. However if things are in a rough spot in your life keep to talking about the positives. It was much easier to tell them about my recent advancement to Service Technician from my previous post of Tool Bitch. You may not be in the best position, but by showing them you are growing together is reassuring that their child has made a solid choice in life.

2. Find out some information on them ahead of time. A big mistake is to walk into a situation not knowing anything about your loved ones parents. Knowing things like religious beliefs, political leanings, and work backgrounds will help you gravitate to certain aspects you have in common, and avoid those where you differ. I am a staunch LaRouche man myself, while her parents leaned more toward the Moderate Liberal side. Knowing this I steered away from saying anything inflammatory about their poor political stances and love of killing babies. I did make sure to leave literature in all rooms of the house when we left, but a confrontation is something to be avoided. Consequently if you have integrated Fuck'n as an adjective in your vocabulary and they are fairly religious, let them drop the first F-Bomb before you follow suit. Playing by house rules has always been a good idea.

3. Be a lady. If you stay with your boyfriend's parents on the trip, make sure to be open to sleeping in different beds. My first wife and I met the morning after a black out drunk night of sex. However she insisted that we would sleep in different beds as to avoid any tension in the household. Even if the parents are progressive, its best to offer that up as the first option. We didn't want to have them feel uncomfortable even if its perfectly normal for a 31 year old man to sleep in the same bed as his 19 year old girlfriend. In addition, not having sex for a couple days never killed anyone. Getting finger blasted at the dinner table every night should hold you over. If that doesn't, make sure to be discreet about your carnal activities. Make sure to play some music really loud or put a pillow over your face as you scream obscenities at the top of your lungs while getting jammed. Being a good house guest goes a long way.

4. Don't let small things get to you. If there is any dissatisfaction voiced by your boyfriends parents about your relationship, listen, and let it roll of your back. If its an issue that can be addressed and discussed logically, do so. However remember at the end of the day you are with your boyfriend, not his parents. It's a choice that will have to be made by him. If his parents influence him that much, you probably don't want to be with him. When I was physically expelled from my first wife's house, I calmly stood on the lawn, told them I respected their opinions. Afterwards we went to a hotel, made a sex tape, and mailed it to them.

All in all this meeting will be awkward and nerve racking. Its just the way life goes when you care about someone enough to put up with all the other bullshit that his folks can dish out. If all else fails, elope.

Sincerely,
FHA