Messy Roommate

Dear FHA,
I've been living with my roommate for over a year and they are great. We have no problems at all in terms of personality, however we are a bit different when it comes to our capacity to clean up after ourselves. I just wanted to know the best way to approach this situation without coming off as a clean freak or asshole. Please help me find a way to broach this situation.

Sincerely,
Boy in the Clean House

Dear BITCH,

This is indeed a touchy situation to find yourself in. There are certainly different cultural factors that go into how each person cares for their domicile. In my experience it is something that is best left to work itself out. I'm not one for direct conflict, so here are some ways you can get your way while minimizing any direct communication.

1. Start a stand-off with chores.
Clean Side: As the clean freak of the house this may cause you some grief. You are tired of doing all the chores around the house, so the best solution is to leave them until they become so overwhelmingly bad that your counterpart is forced to finally take some action. This involves leaving those plates with half-eaten meals still on them in the sink. Also all the pots and pans that they dirtied up when attempting to impress a girl with basic cooking prowess should also be neglected. Even if you are on a budget and need to use one of those pots to boil your last remaining potato, don't. You will only empower them to continue their current behavior.

Messy Side: Continue not doing what you are not doing. If it gets to a point where there are no plates left, find other things to eat off of. Also, keep a stash of plastic silverware in your room so when the real stuff is gone, you can still wolf down microwaveable dinners.

2. Construct a chore wheel
Clean Side: This is a good way for you to address your dissatisfaction with the current situation while still not having to verbally arouse the subject. Posting it on the fridge with days laid out is a fantastic way to make sure they are aware of what you expect from them. The trick is to start small with maybe three major chores like, dishes, sweeping, and cleaning the bathroom. If you dive into the details too soon you're sure to arouse a complaint about the anal nature in which it was constructed. It might even help for you to give yourself the most problematic chore first. If your bathroom reminds you of a Port-o-let that was kicked over and dragged through a wading pool of throw-up, take that bullet and clean it up really nice. Then when things rotate your roommate will merely have to maintain the fantastic job you have done.

Messy Side: Pretend not to see the chore wheel, unless you notice it's really anal. Then say something very passive aggressive about how the person who made the wheel should "get laid" and stop "making fag crafts". If approached about doing your chore, say you'll do it later or that you did it already.

3. Lead by example.
Clean Side: There are times when all someone needs to inspire them to live better is to have a solid role model. If you want to have something clean, then make it clean. The more your counterpart sees you taking pride in the appearance of your shared space, the more likely they are to pitch in and help out. When you dirty a dish, put it in the dishwasher. When you have food that has expired, throw it away. When you have a recyclable item, make sure to put it in the recycling bag not the garbage. Surely they will notice your actions and not continue to just throw dirty dishes in the sink, ignore their Thanksgiving leftovers, and throw beer bottles, newspaper, beer boxes, soda cans, into the garbage... but still managing to find the insight to throw used kleenex and orange peels into the recycling. Seriously, they will learn.

Messy Side: You won't learn, so don't try. Keep being a slob. If you want to kill any sort of stink-eyed looks that might happen in the meantime, make sure you do some chores... horribly wrong. I'm talking about loading the dishwasher with six items, three of them non-dishwasher safe pots and pans, and running it while your roommate is in the shower. Offer to clean the bathroom by simply spraying everything with lysol, or clean the living room by throwing all the stuff in a box and putting it in your storage space. This should ensure they never pressure you about doing a chore again.

4. Find a new living situation.
Clean Side: When all else fails move out. Find someone that is more compatible with your living style and hygiene requirements. From there you will more than likely become the "messy one" in the house, or will remain the "anal clean one". If you have your life together enough, go live on your own. That way you can make sure whatever happens in your living situation is due to your direct impact. Also get used to masturbating, because cohabitation with the opposite sex may not be in the cards for you.

Messy Side: Find another roommate that is clueless about your complete inability to complete basic functions of independence. You're an adult, so don't let them see any signs that you have no idea how to do a load of laundry or effectively use a mop. If you're running low on roommates, look to get married. Even if you're not in love and you don't feel ready for it, getting married to someone that will clean up after you is much better than dying in a trash fire you accidentally started when you're old copies of the Red-Eye ended up just a little too close to the space heater. Consider it a life investment.

Of course you could just talk with your roommate about your concerns, but then you might make it awkward for tens of minutes. Better to avoid that prospect and just hunker down with passive aggressive maneuvers. As I type this, I'm going to put one plate in the oven, one in the glass cabinet, and one in fridge. Should be the last time I get asked to unload the dishwasher.

Sincerely,
FHA