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Dear FHA,
I have been in the city for several years. My circle of friends are all pairing off and I find myself with an abundance of free time. Is there a good way to get into a hobby to meet more people and soak up some of this free time?
Sincerely,
Hobby Hunter
Dear HH,
Utilizing newly found free time is a chore I recently was tasked with as well. After finishing up the last of my court mandated community service hours and drug rehabilitation programs, I found myself with literally hours free every week. Instantly I entertained the idea of picking up a new hard drug habit, but all my old dealers had died in a prison fire. Sadly I decided to investigate other activities that I knew much less about. Here are some pointers I picked up along the way to help you fill those lonely depression filled hours of your seemingly pointless life.
1. Don't do something too constructive.
It sounds tempting to find a hobby that allows you to grow your personal skill set in addition to killing time, but it's a Pandora's Box that is best left closed. Learning too much causes you to become distracted from your mundane life. This in turn leads you to question why you aren't doing your hobby for a job. Although it may seem like a fun and possibly lucrative endeavor, there are consequences for taking such risks. When I decided that I would assist with suicides full-time and relinquish my partnership Jaundice & Associates, it seemed like a dream career move. However the pay was less, the hours were longer, and I seemed to be spending even more time in court than when I was a lawyer. Even though the satisfaction of bringing a smile to the faces of sad ex-boyfriends, jealous siblings, and organ harvesters was plentiful, my ability to live a public life was not.
2. Find something that is niche.
I call it like I see it, and you sound like you don't get laid much. Why would I say this? Because your friends are all getting married and you are looking for a hobby. This all ties together with finding a hobby that is specific to a very small niche. Choose something like night kiting or writing Fear Factor fan-fiction. This will guarantee that all the people with the same hobby also don't get laid. Once you become established on the message boards or in the meetings held in church basements, you can start to make your move. Here is your chance to be awkwardly intimate with all members of your preferred gender. Don't worry about hurting feelings and uneasy tension. When you have worked your way through the last naive person, simply announce you are leaving the world of said hobby. Remember, they are there because they love their hobby more than human contact, so you're doing them a real solid.
3. Don't get too attached to your hobby.
See rule 1 & 2.
4. Inform others about how great your current hobby is.
Even if your new found time waster is boring you to tears, lie. Tell everyone that your activities are unsurpassed by any other choice of time passing. Go so far as to create a Twitter Account to remind people continually how much fun you're having. This works well to distract questions about your real life. Wouldn't it be much nicer to have someone ask about your HAM radio rather than question if it's healthy for you to have another slice of ice-cream cake with such severe diabetes? You can also use your hobby to get out of work! Next time you plan on hitting the state-line casino/strip-club/buffet, just tell your boss you have a convention for you hobby. Who can blame you for taking a little personal time to chase your passion. At least that's what your boss will think.
I hope these pointers come in useful when you choose a new hobby. Lord knows I'm looking for more options as I near the end of "working the circuit" of all yarn-based crafts. Those ladies are a bit more wild under the afghan.
Sincerely,
FHA
