Posts
Dear FHA,
I'm going to be traveling with my boyfriend to meet his folks and I'm a bit nervous. This will be my first time meeting them and I really don't want to make a bad impression. There really is no cause for me to be nervous, but I just don't want to do anything that might make them have doubts about his choice to be with me. What should I do to avoid any embarrassing moments?
Sincerely,
New to the Family
Dear NTTF,
It's a nerve racking time when you are finally ready to meet the family of your significant other. There are so many expectations that you put on yourself that are not needed. I find it best to avoid situations like that by either picking chicks up at support groups for women grieving the loss of both parents or just finding women who want to punish their parent's by dating me. There's really no better way to approach a meeting with parents than knowing that you being in this person's life is just a big fuck you to daddy. However if you are really smitten with this person, here are some tips I used when I met my first wife's parents.
1. Be yourself. Now this is the most cliche thing to say, but cliches are born out of truth. Trying to be something you aren't is very transparent and will only cause awkward moments of silence in conversations. I had the urge to tell her parents that I was a banker that ran marathons. In actuality I worked at a brake shop and had a pretty large junk habit. Most of the conversations would have revolved around stuff I had read on pamphlets I picked up at my local Bank of America and Nike Town. However if things are in a rough spot in your life keep to talking about the positives. It was much easier to tell them about my recent advancement to Service Technician from my previous post of Tool Bitch. You may not be in the best position, but by showing them you are growing together is reassuring that their child has made a solid choice in life.
2. Find out some information on them ahead of time. A big mistake is to walk into a situation not knowing anything about your loved ones parents. Knowing things like religious beliefs, political leanings, and work backgrounds will help you gravitate to certain aspects you have in common, and avoid those where you differ. I am a staunch LaRouche man myself, while her parents leaned more toward the Moderate Liberal side. Knowing this I steered away from saying anything inflammatory about their poor political stances and love of killing babies. I did make sure to leave literature in all rooms of the house when we left, but a confrontation is something to be avoided. Consequently if you have integrated Fuck'n as an adjective in your vocabulary and they are fairly religious, let them drop the first F-Bomb before you follow suit. Playing by house rules has always been a good idea.
3. Be a lady. If you stay with your boyfriend's parents on the trip, make sure to be open to sleeping in different beds. My first wife and I met the morning after a black out drunk night of sex. However she insisted that we would sleep in different beds as to avoid any tension in the household. Even if the parents are progressive, its best to offer that up as the first option. We didn't want to have them feel uncomfortable even if its perfectly normal for a 31 year old man to sleep in the same bed as his 19 year old girlfriend. In addition, not having sex for a couple days never killed anyone. Getting finger blasted at the dinner table every night should hold you over. If that doesn't, make sure to be discreet about your carnal activities. Make sure to play some music really loud or put a pillow over your face as you scream obscenities at the top of your lungs while getting jammed. Being a good house guest goes a long way.
4. Don't let small things get to you. If there is any dissatisfaction voiced by your boyfriends parents about your relationship, listen, and let it roll of your back. If its an issue that can be addressed and discussed logically, do so. However remember at the end of the day you are with your boyfriend, not his parents. It's a choice that will have to be made by him. If his parents influence him that much, you probably don't want to be with him. When I was physically expelled from my first wife's house, I calmly stood on the lawn, told them I respected their opinions. Afterwards we went to a hotel, made a sex tape, and mailed it to them.
All in all this meeting will be awkward and nerve racking. Its just the way life goes when you care about someone enough to put up with all the other bullshit that his folks can dish out. If all else fails, elope.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Poor Job Morale
Dear FHA,
I'm a manager at company and oversee the order processing department. Unfortunately they have a monotonous job that gets very little recognition, as well as being pressure driven at times. There seems to be an issue with the morale of these people and I wondered if you had some ideas on how to make them "perk-up"?
Sincerely,
Confused Supervisor
Dear Confused Supervisor,
Sounds like you have a group of people that for one reason or another feel trapped in their jobs and under appreciated. With the current economic situation, its quite likely that they are nearing their threshold for the job, but are left with little options in terms of securing new, perhaps more fulfilling employment. Here are some tips you can follow to "perk-up", as you put it, your underlings.
1. Reward exceptional performance. The best way to keep employees working at their peak of efficiency is with rewards. The best reward I can think of giving a model employee is more work. This may not raise the moral of that particular employee, but it will raise the morale of the rest of the department. The more you work one person does, the less the group has to. Consequently more people get a break and are happier as a whole. One caveat of this is to not compensate your strong employee monetarily. Should word get out to the rest of the department, everyone will come with their hand out. If you should chose to give something other than more work as a reward try something paltry and of no real value. Perhaps a plastic toy that you attach some sort of significance to via a PowerPoint slide you show at all the weekly meetings. Sure, it may just be a toy, but it symbolizes the fact you did a good job, we noticed, and still chose to give you really nothing at all in return. Also, by constantly pushing the bounds of your standout's capabilities, there is a possibility of causing them to create an even more efficient way to accomplish the extra work. Should this prove to be the case, reward them again. Under no circumstance should this person be promoted from the position they have proved to be invaluable at.
2. Get feedback from your employees. By listening to their concerns and suggestions, its easy to get your finger on the pulse of dissatisfaction. Have them fill out long questionnaires, bring suggestions to meetings, and discuss issues in weekly one-on-one sessions. Once you have all of these issues compiled and written down, take the list to your backyard and set it on fire. Think of all their issues as venting. Its like writing letters to your loved one that you really don't mean. Just letting them get it off their chest should be sufficient to quell their unrest. If that doesn't seem to work, then offer them the opportunity to address the issue and all the work associated with the fix as a reward. There is nothing more rewarding than finding a problem, determining the solution, and then having to implement the change up through the chain of command all while maintaining your normal work volume. If it is something that you feel would benefit the company as a whole, and possibly garner some attention from your superiors, tweak it ever so slightly and send it up as a joint idea. That way you can shoulder the burden of jealously that one person in the department would be forced to carry should any monetary compensation come of it.
3. Lead by example. The best way to have your employees know what their expectations are is by seeing them demonstrated by their superiors. Make sure to show up to work on time, but more importantly, make sure to leave on time. Let them know that under no circumstances would you be willing to put in more than 40 hours at this job. If you're in a profession where the volume of work dictates how long some people may have to stay, make sure you pit your subordinates against each other. Guilt over a co-worker having to miss his third date in a row because he had to stay late will more than likely inspire others to stay and pitch in. This also allows you the freedom to clock out at exactly 5 PM after spending the last two hours of the afternoon looking at LOL cats. When several employees finally voice concern over this issue, make sure to address it in a departmental meeting to foster even more guilt among fellow co-workers, however don't offer any of your own time. This also gives your pool a chance to work without a boss breathing down their neck, and the opportunity to put on the "boss shoes" and get a feel for what it's like doing your job, by doing your job, every night.
4. Record progress and offer assistance in trouble areas. By identifying patterns of errors you are better able to find a solution for the small missteps that your group may be making. Once these are overcome, the overall efficiency of the pool will be higher making everyone's moral higher. Make sure to question everything that your employees do. Even if it makes perfect sense to you, and literally is in writing on their order, question it just the same. This will help develop a sense of helplessness and personal worthlessness. Once this has manifested in them they will be on the verge of emotional collapse. Make sure to distance yourself from your actions. The best way to do this is to have horrible communication between supervisors. Let them know it wasn't your choice and they should talk to Boss B. When they talk to Boss B they will use the same tactic stating it was Boss C's decision. This should lead them in a run-around that frustrates them enough for them to drop the issue. Let them know you are a cool person who is just following the command of "the man". This way you maintain their confidence as a decent human being. Which leads into the final tip...
5. Be a human being at work. It feels good to see your boss show a human side at work. It makes you easier to relate to and less like the evil figure head. Feel free to admit a mistake to your underlings when you have made one. However never admit this in writing or around your superior. The reason for this is to gain the confidence of your employees. Once you have their confidence they will be more likely to relay to you when they have made a mistake, show up late because of a hang-over, or are looking for a new job. With all this information you can use it against them whenever they try to make push for change to your system.
There are just a few of the gems that you can try to get your employees back into that happy groove you no doubt enjoy! If this doesn't work, start firing them one by one until you only have happy people left.
Sincerely,
FHA
I'm a manager at company and oversee the order processing department. Unfortunately they have a monotonous job that gets very little recognition, as well as being pressure driven at times. There seems to be an issue with the morale of these people and I wondered if you had some ideas on how to make them "perk-up"?
Sincerely,
Confused Supervisor
Dear Confused Supervisor,
Sounds like you have a group of people that for one reason or another feel trapped in their jobs and under appreciated. With the current economic situation, its quite likely that they are nearing their threshold for the job, but are left with little options in terms of securing new, perhaps more fulfilling employment. Here are some tips you can follow to "perk-up", as you put it, your underlings.
1. Reward exceptional performance. The best way to keep employees working at their peak of efficiency is with rewards. The best reward I can think of giving a model employee is more work. This may not raise the moral of that particular employee, but it will raise the morale of the rest of the department. The more you work one person does, the less the group has to. Consequently more people get a break and are happier as a whole. One caveat of this is to not compensate your strong employee monetarily. Should word get out to the rest of the department, everyone will come with their hand out. If you should chose to give something other than more work as a reward try something paltry and of no real value. Perhaps a plastic toy that you attach some sort of significance to via a PowerPoint slide you show at all the weekly meetings. Sure, it may just be a toy, but it symbolizes the fact you did a good job, we noticed, and still chose to give you really nothing at all in return. Also, by constantly pushing the bounds of your standout's capabilities, there is a possibility of causing them to create an even more efficient way to accomplish the extra work. Should this prove to be the case, reward them again. Under no circumstance should this person be promoted from the position they have proved to be invaluable at.
2. Get feedback from your employees. By listening to their concerns and suggestions, its easy to get your finger on the pulse of dissatisfaction. Have them fill out long questionnaires, bring suggestions to meetings, and discuss issues in weekly one-on-one sessions. Once you have all of these issues compiled and written down, take the list to your backyard and set it on fire. Think of all their issues as venting. Its like writing letters to your loved one that you really don't mean. Just letting them get it off their chest should be sufficient to quell their unrest. If that doesn't seem to work, then offer them the opportunity to address the issue and all the work associated with the fix as a reward. There is nothing more rewarding than finding a problem, determining the solution, and then having to implement the change up through the chain of command all while maintaining your normal work volume. If it is something that you feel would benefit the company as a whole, and possibly garner some attention from your superiors, tweak it ever so slightly and send it up as a joint idea. That way you can shoulder the burden of jealously that one person in the department would be forced to carry should any monetary compensation come of it.
3. Lead by example. The best way to have your employees know what their expectations are is by seeing them demonstrated by their superiors. Make sure to show up to work on time, but more importantly, make sure to leave on time. Let them know that under no circumstances would you be willing to put in more than 40 hours at this job. If you're in a profession where the volume of work dictates how long some people may have to stay, make sure you pit your subordinates against each other. Guilt over a co-worker having to miss his third date in a row because he had to stay late will more than likely inspire others to stay and pitch in. This also allows you the freedom to clock out at exactly 5 PM after spending the last two hours of the afternoon looking at LOL cats. When several employees finally voice concern over this issue, make sure to address it in a departmental meeting to foster even more guilt among fellow co-workers, however don't offer any of your own time. This also gives your pool a chance to work without a boss breathing down their neck, and the opportunity to put on the "boss shoes" and get a feel for what it's like doing your job, by doing your job, every night.
4. Record progress and offer assistance in trouble areas. By identifying patterns of errors you are better able to find a solution for the small missteps that your group may be making. Once these are overcome, the overall efficiency of the pool will be higher making everyone's moral higher. Make sure to question everything that your employees do. Even if it makes perfect sense to you, and literally is in writing on their order, question it just the same. This will help develop a sense of helplessness and personal worthlessness. Once this has manifested in them they will be on the verge of emotional collapse. Make sure to distance yourself from your actions. The best way to do this is to have horrible communication between supervisors. Let them know it wasn't your choice and they should talk to Boss B. When they talk to Boss B they will use the same tactic stating it was Boss C's decision. This should lead them in a run-around that frustrates them enough for them to drop the issue. Let them know you are a cool person who is just following the command of "the man". This way you maintain their confidence as a decent human being. Which leads into the final tip...
5. Be a human being at work. It feels good to see your boss show a human side at work. It makes you easier to relate to and less like the evil figure head. Feel free to admit a mistake to your underlings when you have made one. However never admit this in writing or around your superior. The reason for this is to gain the confidence of your employees. Once you have their confidence they will be more likely to relay to you when they have made a mistake, show up late because of a hang-over, or are looking for a new job. With all this information you can use it against them whenever they try to make push for change to your system.
There are just a few of the gems that you can try to get your employees back into that happy groove you no doubt enjoy! If this doesn't work, start firing them one by one until you only have happy people left.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Money Woes
Dear FHA,
With the current economic climate I've been working really hard to be more conscious about where I spend my money. I'm working really hard at finding places to put my money so it can work for me. I have a young child I want to send to college as well as a house payment. My job has a small 401K matching plan, but it won't be enough to support me and my wife when I retire, so I want to start saving for that as well. Do you have any investment tips that could help me achieve my goals?
Sincerely,
Goal Achieving Dad
Dear GAD,
Money seems to be the top issue on peoples minds these days. I also have had to tighten the purse strings in my financial life. Normally I wouldn't blink at dropping $200 on fireworks and Stetson cologne, but its hard to justify spending that much even on things as essential as those. With that in mind, I'll try to lead you to the river of wisdom I drink from.
1. Cut unnecessary costs. The number one way to save money is to spend less of the money that you do make. Look at your current budget and determine what you can eliminate. Better yet, try and find what you can keep and not pay for. I love having power but hate paying for it! With a few stealthily placed extension cords on neighboring properties, I enjoy the benefits of electricity without hemorrhaging cash. Similar strategies can be used to save money on water, sewage, and trash services. I would however recommend substituting hoses and buckets in place of extension cords for those particular endeavors.
2. Diversify your investments. The more places you have your money invested, the less likely you are to lose it all with one downturn. I fell victim to this several years ago. I had allocated almost my entire income to investing in snow globes. My portfolio was impressive as I had globes spanning from Maine to Hawaii, a place where it doesn't even snow! I was poised to retire in literally tens of years when an upstairs neighbor's meth lab blew, causing a percussion wave that knocked all of my investments from the display shelves and rendering their value near worthless. After such a monumental loss, I have headed my own advice and spread my investments to such areas as lottery tickets, topical T-shirts, and US Savings Bonds.
3. Secure extra income. Many people have hobbies that could garner them some extra cash in these tight times. Suppose you knit, you could sell scarves on e-bay. If you like to do video editing, try to find a wedding video someone needs some help with and is willing to pay. You really like to do drugs, buy a little extra and sell to your friends. There is no reason you can't turn your free time filler into a profitable venture.
4. Have realistic expectations. I know this one might be hardest to follow. Every parent wants to send junior to Yale, but will the benefits outweight the cost? Sure a great education is the right of every American. The thing you have to ask yourself is, what's junior going to do with it? Right now he licks windows and always seems to end up with pennies in his mouth. For him going to Yale will only be a six-figure piece of paper on the wall. I always say shoot for the highest point on the mountain that you can get to without spending a ton on a guide or having to take a cab there. Something like DeVry might be your best bet. It isn't just the fact you're only paying for two years of school, its the fact that junior will be working for an extra two years earning top wages for his Associates degree/certifcate field. The sooner you are earning the better. Plus Yale kids are all fags.
5. Act on your plans. The worst thing you can do is sit by and think about what you should be doing instead of actually doing it. I can say I'm gonna start saving money when I'm eight Red-dogs deep on a Thursday afternoon, but until I start saving it means nothing. Even if you just start with a change jar, preferably one that you can't easily get the money back out of, is a good start. Actions speak louder than drunken slurs.
6. Lie, cheat, and steal. Its been working for Corporate America for years. Golden parachutes, Government bailouts, bonuses paid on false earning reports. This one really speaks for itself, so get you some.
GAD, these are the pointers I would suggest to any parent that is looking to save for retirement and their childs education. Its a rough time right now so being diligent is the best you can hope for. If you truely love your wife and child, and want to provide for them as best as possible, follow this advice. However if you aren't that attached to your kid, get a large insurance policy, fake a house fire, and leave the kid in there. Instant chunk of change, and with all that college savings you could get a boat to play with on your new lake home. Just a thought.
Sincerely,
FHA
With the current economic climate I've been working really hard to be more conscious about where I spend my money. I'm working really hard at finding places to put my money so it can work for me. I have a young child I want to send to college as well as a house payment. My job has a small 401K matching plan, but it won't be enough to support me and my wife when I retire, so I want to start saving for that as well. Do you have any investment tips that could help me achieve my goals?
Sincerely,
Goal Achieving Dad
Dear GAD,
Money seems to be the top issue on peoples minds these days. I also have had to tighten the purse strings in my financial life. Normally I wouldn't blink at dropping $200 on fireworks and Stetson cologne, but its hard to justify spending that much even on things as essential as those. With that in mind, I'll try to lead you to the river of wisdom I drink from.
1. Cut unnecessary costs. The number one way to save money is to spend less of the money that you do make. Look at your current budget and determine what you can eliminate. Better yet, try and find what you can keep and not pay for. I love having power but hate paying for it! With a few stealthily placed extension cords on neighboring properties, I enjoy the benefits of electricity without hemorrhaging cash. Similar strategies can be used to save money on water, sewage, and trash services. I would however recommend substituting hoses and buckets in place of extension cords for those particular endeavors.
2. Diversify your investments. The more places you have your money invested, the less likely you are to lose it all with one downturn. I fell victim to this several years ago. I had allocated almost my entire income to investing in snow globes. My portfolio was impressive as I had globes spanning from Maine to Hawaii, a place where it doesn't even snow! I was poised to retire in literally tens of years when an upstairs neighbor's meth lab blew, causing a percussion wave that knocked all of my investments from the display shelves and rendering their value near worthless. After such a monumental loss, I have headed my own advice and spread my investments to such areas as lottery tickets, topical T-shirts, and US Savings Bonds.
3. Secure extra income. Many people have hobbies that could garner them some extra cash in these tight times. Suppose you knit, you could sell scarves on e-bay. If you like to do video editing, try to find a wedding video someone needs some help with and is willing to pay. You really like to do drugs, buy a little extra and sell to your friends. There is no reason you can't turn your free time filler into a profitable venture.
4. Have realistic expectations. I know this one might be hardest to follow. Every parent wants to send junior to Yale, but will the benefits outweight the cost? Sure a great education is the right of every American. The thing you have to ask yourself is, what's junior going to do with it? Right now he licks windows and always seems to end up with pennies in his mouth. For him going to Yale will only be a six-figure piece of paper on the wall. I always say shoot for the highest point on the mountain that you can get to without spending a ton on a guide or having to take a cab there. Something like DeVry might be your best bet. It isn't just the fact you're only paying for two years of school, its the fact that junior will be working for an extra two years earning top wages for his Associates degree/certifcate field. The sooner you are earning the better. Plus Yale kids are all fags.
5. Act on your plans. The worst thing you can do is sit by and think about what you should be doing instead of actually doing it. I can say I'm gonna start saving money when I'm eight Red-dogs deep on a Thursday afternoon, but until I start saving it means nothing. Even if you just start with a change jar, preferably one that you can't easily get the money back out of, is a good start. Actions speak louder than drunken slurs.
6. Lie, cheat, and steal. Its been working for Corporate America for years. Golden parachutes, Government bailouts, bonuses paid on false earning reports. This one really speaks for itself, so get you some.
GAD, these are the pointers I would suggest to any parent that is looking to save for retirement and their childs education. Its a rough time right now so being diligent is the best you can hope for. If you truely love your wife and child, and want to provide for them as best as possible, follow this advice. However if you aren't that attached to your kid, get a large insurance policy, fake a house fire, and leave the kid in there. Instant chunk of change, and with all that college savings you could get a boat to play with on your new lake home. Just a thought.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Valentine's Day
Dear FHA,
Valentine's Day is just around the corner! I have been dating a girl for several months now, and I really would like to do something special for her. She isn't the type that would be floored by the cliches, so I need to really put my best foot forward. What advice can you give for impressing that special someone?
Sincerely,
Willing to Try Anything
Dear WTA,
I completely understand the predicament you are in. I myself have found that in my personal life I have been let down by the cliche acts of even the everyday. For the longest time I was content to go home after work, watch a television program while eating a Swanson's chicken potpie, then retire to my twin sized bed for a night of restful sleep. In my progression of life it has now become literally impossible for me to fall asleep without spending several hours dance-fighting a heavy bag in my studio then immediately followed by organizing my Little Golden Book collection. But that is another column all together.
Valentine's day, the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. I took that last sentence from Wiki-pedia, so those activities must be the most generic run of the mill, and obviously what you are looking to avoid. Here are a few pointers that will keep you from falling into the stereotypes that have been laid out by the Hallmark Machine.
Find something that you can do together for free. There's so much pressure put on couples these days to spend a bunch of money on each other. The expectations are to go out to dinner, buy flowers, chocolates, a card, all of these things are expensive. There are more ways to express your love than with money. I would recommend you get tested at a free clinic. Sure you can say you love your sweetheart, but going to make sure you don't have a communicable crotch disease is putting those words into action. Not only is it free, but you have the opportunity to grow your relationship to the next level. And should one of you come back with a positive result, you'll be able to buy medication thanks to the money you saved by skipping dinner and flowers.
Maybe you are looking to spend a little money on your lover but want the most bang for the buck. The best way to make your giving dollar last as long as possible is to give them a pet that you got off of Craigslist. Nothing really shows another person that you care about their personal well-being than by giving them another life to care for. By entrusting them with something that they will have dedicate vast amounts of time, affection, and money towards will show them that you trust them in your relationship. In addition, the less the topic has been discussed and more unexpected the better. It will show you are a person with a spontaneous and caring side. Who doesn't love animals?!
Let's say however that you are one of the uppity cock ranchers that has lots of money to blow on this holiday. Still you don't want to float down the beaten river. Well, let's make this a Valentine's day to remember. With your vast amounts of currency, bribe a physician into issuing a written statement that you are going to die in a matter of days. The disease itself isn't important, but try to avoid anything that could be considered contagious or interfere with sexual relations. Once this has been accepted as fact by your mate, let them know that you wish to spend 4 of your last 5 days with them before you die. Your activities from there are entirely up to you and your check book. Those 4 days will be the most romantic and memorable for your partner. They will remember the time you had together right before you died. On the fifth day you will request some solace to die in the Alps with your thoughts and spiritual counselors. However you will just be escaping to your private jet filled with male/female sex slaves that are physically perfect except for one major flaw, which in turn keeps them under your thumb due to the fact you confront them about it whenever you sense their self-esteem growing to a level that would make them capable of leaving. Or whatever rich people keep in their private jets.
I'm no love doctor by any stretch the mind and don't rely on this day to fix a broken relationship. However if you have a healthy interaction with another human being and they feel the same way about you, there are so many possibilities on a day to express your affection. I myself will be waking up early to drink myself sufficiently brave to throw a flatbed full of oranges at the E-harmony headquarters for deleting my account because of "lewd verbiage" and "suggestive photographs". In my book, expressing your love to a loved one is almost as good as expressing your hate to a hated one.
Sincerely,
FHA
Valentine's Day is just around the corner! I have been dating a girl for several months now, and I really would like to do something special for her. She isn't the type that would be floored by the cliches, so I need to really put my best foot forward. What advice can you give for impressing that special someone?
Sincerely,
Willing to Try Anything
Dear WTA,
I completely understand the predicament you are in. I myself have found that in my personal life I have been let down by the cliche acts of even the everyday. For the longest time I was content to go home after work, watch a television program while eating a Swanson's chicken potpie, then retire to my twin sized bed for a night of restful sleep. In my progression of life it has now become literally impossible for me to fall asleep without spending several hours dance-fighting a heavy bag in my studio then immediately followed by organizing my Little Golden Book collection. But that is another column all together.
Valentine's day, the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. I took that last sentence from Wiki-pedia, so those activities must be the most generic run of the mill, and obviously what you are looking to avoid. Here are a few pointers that will keep you from falling into the stereotypes that have been laid out by the Hallmark Machine.
Find something that you can do together for free. There's so much pressure put on couples these days to spend a bunch of money on each other. The expectations are to go out to dinner, buy flowers, chocolates, a card, all of these things are expensive. There are more ways to express your love than with money. I would recommend you get tested at a free clinic. Sure you can say you love your sweetheart, but going to make sure you don't have a communicable crotch disease is putting those words into action. Not only is it free, but you have the opportunity to grow your relationship to the next level. And should one of you come back with a positive result, you'll be able to buy medication thanks to the money you saved by skipping dinner and flowers.
Maybe you are looking to spend a little money on your lover but want the most bang for the buck. The best way to make your giving dollar last as long as possible is to give them a pet that you got off of Craigslist. Nothing really shows another person that you care about their personal well-being than by giving them another life to care for. By entrusting them with something that they will have dedicate vast amounts of time, affection, and money towards will show them that you trust them in your relationship. In addition, the less the topic has been discussed and more unexpected the better. It will show you are a person with a spontaneous and caring side. Who doesn't love animals?!
Let's say however that you are one of the uppity cock ranchers that has lots of money to blow on this holiday. Still you don't want to float down the beaten river. Well, let's make this a Valentine's day to remember. With your vast amounts of currency, bribe a physician into issuing a written statement that you are going to die in a matter of days. The disease itself isn't important, but try to avoid anything that could be considered contagious or interfere with sexual relations. Once this has been accepted as fact by your mate, let them know that you wish to spend 4 of your last 5 days with them before you die. Your activities from there are entirely up to you and your check book. Those 4 days will be the most romantic and memorable for your partner. They will remember the time you had together right before you died. On the fifth day you will request some solace to die in the Alps with your thoughts and spiritual counselors. However you will just be escaping to your private jet filled with male/female sex slaves that are physically perfect except for one major flaw, which in turn keeps them under your thumb due to the fact you confront them about it whenever you sense their self-esteem growing to a level that would make them capable of leaving. Or whatever rich people keep in their private jets.
I'm no love doctor by any stretch the mind and don't rely on this day to fix a broken relationship. However if you have a healthy interaction with another human being and they feel the same way about you, there are so many possibilities on a day to express your affection. I myself will be waking up early to drink myself sufficiently brave to throw a flatbed full of oranges at the E-harmony headquarters for deleting my account because of "lewd verbiage" and "suggestive photographs". In my book, expressing your love to a loved one is almost as good as expressing your hate to a hated one.
Sincerely,
FHA
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Job Interview
Dear FHA,
I am trying to get a new job but with the current economy it has proven to be pretty tough. The worst part is that I'm perfectly qualified for all the positions I seek, but my resume seems generic and when it comes to the interview I choke! Please tell me if you have any advice on how to land the perfect new job.
Sincerely,
Blows at Having Jobs
Dear Blows at HJs,
It appears that you suffer from a common malady of having a bland resume, and even blander personality. I'll go ahead and lay out how I am able to secure jobs with ease, and hopefully you can walk away with some helpful tips.
My resume consists of the names of women I've bedded handwritten on bar-napkins, cross-word puzzles I have completed, and ticket stubs to movies that I guessed the ending to before the reveal. Now this may sound messy, but I've laminated all of the above items onto a legal sized piece of paper. Anything more than one page is too much for any employer to be expected to read. Keep it concise and to the point. For my cover letter I normally just tear out a page of "Mature Squirters", not just any page, but a page that I have deemed attention grabbing. You need to stand out in the job market today, so set yourself apart from your fellow applicant. With all the resumes they are sure to field you don't want to get lost in the shuffle. Another aspect that is too often forgotten is customizing the cover letter for each potential job. You can't have a grandma of twelve geysering ejac across a Motel 6 comforter if you are looking at a job in banking. That's absurd. Try and find a spread where the senior citizen is wearing something classy and has a semi-expensive object mostly inside her. To be a banker, you must speak a banker's language.
Now for the interview. I have been offered every job that I have interviewed for. Across the board from Carnival Barker, to Band Roadie, to Hedge Fund Director, all have seen the confidence I bring into the door and respect it. Here are a few tips:
1. Stay calm. If you are visibly nervous then you are already doomed. One way to avoid appearing/being nervous is to show up drunk. I never walk into a situation like that with less than a pint of gin in me. Not only will you feel relaxed and ready to attack the interview, but the interviewer will know you don't give a fuck if you get the job or not. That tells them that you are a qualified applicant that is capable of securing a job wherever you please. In turn they will treat your interview more in the manner of you interviewing them as to why you should work there.
2. Dress the part. Sure you know about computers, but can your future boss tell? Nothing says "I don't know what I'm talking about" like a suit. Any upright walking turd can buy a suit and pretend to know something about a profession. Case and point is the guy who squirts soap onto my hands in the club bathroom. Nice clothes don't always dictate professional prowess. So you want to be an IT guy? Wear your WoW shirt and sweats. It shows that not only is your work your passion, but you are willing to put the long hours that might be required in. It also lets the interviewer know that you spend more time on the job than in front of a mirror being vain.
3. Get the compensation you deserve. The biggest problem with acquiring a new job is not knowing what the industry standard salary is. The best way to find this out is to ask your interviewer what he/she makes. Take what they make and add 15% as your asking salary. The reason for this is that they will counter offer with a lower number. Make sure that you wear plenty of expensive jewelry on your hands and neck. By doing this you show your future employer that you need this money to support a lifestyle that includes diamonds and white gold. Without it, the negotiations will be harder and most likely end with a knife being pulled.
4. Thank the interviewer for their time. I've seen so many interviews that were almost sure things lost because of a lack of manners. Even if you're interview hasn't been to your exact standards, thank the person for their time with a gesture of $50 or more. It addition make sure to send a thank you card to the person as well with a case of pricey booze. There have been many times I've walked out of an interview on the bubble and had this display of manners tip the scales in my favor.
With all of this fantastic advice, you should have no trouble landing a job. Qualifications are important, but remember they are investing in the person. So make sure the person they meet is one that will leave a lasting impression as a person they want to have work with them.
Sincerely,
FHA
I am trying to get a new job but with the current economy it has proven to be pretty tough. The worst part is that I'm perfectly qualified for all the positions I seek, but my resume seems generic and when it comes to the interview I choke! Please tell me if you have any advice on how to land the perfect new job.
Sincerely,
Blows at Having Jobs
Dear Blows at HJs,
It appears that you suffer from a common malady of having a bland resume, and even blander personality. I'll go ahead and lay out how I am able to secure jobs with ease, and hopefully you can walk away with some helpful tips.
My resume consists of the names of women I've bedded handwritten on bar-napkins, cross-word puzzles I have completed, and ticket stubs to movies that I guessed the ending to before the reveal. Now this may sound messy, but I've laminated all of the above items onto a legal sized piece of paper. Anything more than one page is too much for any employer to be expected to read. Keep it concise and to the point. For my cover letter I normally just tear out a page of "Mature Squirters", not just any page, but a page that I have deemed attention grabbing. You need to stand out in the job market today, so set yourself apart from your fellow applicant. With all the resumes they are sure to field you don't want to get lost in the shuffle. Another aspect that is too often forgotten is customizing the cover letter for each potential job. You can't have a grandma of twelve geysering ejac across a Motel 6 comforter if you are looking at a job in banking. That's absurd. Try and find a spread where the senior citizen is wearing something classy and has a semi-expensive object mostly inside her. To be a banker, you must speak a banker's language.
Now for the interview. I have been offered every job that I have interviewed for. Across the board from Carnival Barker, to Band Roadie, to Hedge Fund Director, all have seen the confidence I bring into the door and respect it. Here are a few tips:
1. Stay calm. If you are visibly nervous then you are already doomed. One way to avoid appearing/being nervous is to show up drunk. I never walk into a situation like that with less than a pint of gin in me. Not only will you feel relaxed and ready to attack the interview, but the interviewer will know you don't give a fuck if you get the job or not. That tells them that you are a qualified applicant that is capable of securing a job wherever you please. In turn they will treat your interview more in the manner of you interviewing them as to why you should work there.
2. Dress the part. Sure you know about computers, but can your future boss tell? Nothing says "I don't know what I'm talking about" like a suit. Any upright walking turd can buy a suit and pretend to know something about a profession. Case and point is the guy who squirts soap onto my hands in the club bathroom. Nice clothes don't always dictate professional prowess. So you want to be an IT guy? Wear your WoW shirt and sweats. It shows that not only is your work your passion, but you are willing to put the long hours that might be required in. It also lets the interviewer know that you spend more time on the job than in front of a mirror being vain.
3. Get the compensation you deserve. The biggest problem with acquiring a new job is not knowing what the industry standard salary is. The best way to find this out is to ask your interviewer what he/she makes. Take what they make and add 15% as your asking salary. The reason for this is that they will counter offer with a lower number. Make sure that you wear plenty of expensive jewelry on your hands and neck. By doing this you show your future employer that you need this money to support a lifestyle that includes diamonds and white gold. Without it, the negotiations will be harder and most likely end with a knife being pulled.
4. Thank the interviewer for their time. I've seen so many interviews that were almost sure things lost because of a lack of manners. Even if you're interview hasn't been to your exact standards, thank the person for their time with a gesture of $50 or more. It addition make sure to send a thank you card to the person as well with a case of pricey booze. There have been many times I've walked out of an interview on the bubble and had this display of manners tip the scales in my favor.
With all of this fantastic advice, you should have no trouble landing a job. Qualifications are important, but remember they are investing in the person. So make sure the person they meet is one that will leave a lasting impression as a person they want to have work with them.
Sincerely,
FHA
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)