Neighbor Problems

Dear FHA,

I have these neighbors who live below me and they are constantly getting upset that my roommates and I make too much noise. Most of the time its on weekends in the middle of the day! They slam a broom handle against our floor, their ceiling, when they feel we should be quiet. We have talked to them in the past but they just shrug it off like we are some type of party house. Is there a way to confront them about their unreasonable quiet demands? Please Help!

Sincerely,
Walking on Egg Shells




Dear WOES,

Sounds like you live above some serious cock-chugging gashes. I would say set fire to the apartment building after getting renter's insurance. If that isn't an option because you are only one strike away from a life sentence like me, then here are some alternatives.

Kill them with kindness. Be as nice as possible to their faces so they have no reason to ever get upset with you. At the same time do horrible things to their property. One trick I have used is to let your neighbors know you are going to be gone for several days out of town. Ask they to keep an eye on stuff cause you trust and respect them. The trick is that you are just staying at a friends house down the street, which allows plenty of opportunity to vandalize their property while remaining blame free. In the protection of night, show up and shit in their mailbox. Public dumping not your cup of tea? You can also key a message like "I hate Spics" into their car's paint job. Even if they get it touched up there is still one good day of explaining to do about why they are so racist. Not into damage to property? Perhaps you could play any Venga Boys song loudly on repeat for the entirety of the time you are not home during the day. Should they wish to have time with silence when you are not home they are fucked. This may lead them to talk to you about the issues, at which time you can tell them what a fuck-bag you think they are. Make sure they throw the first punch. Once you have been struck call the police and have a restraining order put on them. This will probably lead to them having to move or stay elsewhere for an extended period of time while you can enjoy making as much noise as you like.
Should the landlord be brought into the equation, explain to them how said neighbor is running a child porn ring out of his place. Make sure to have manufactured evidence to support your accusations. Problem solved.

Should you defer all of these options simply inform all vagrants and crack addicts in your area that your neighbor carries large amounts of money in a pouch located in his stomach. The situation should handle itself and you'll have a new neighbor as soon as his next of kin comes to remove his belongings from the apartment.

Sincerely,
FHA

Waking Up for Work

Dear FHA,

I have an issue with getting up in time for work. I know I only have to be there at 10 AM but every time I tell myself to get up I just can't. In fact the more I try to get to bed early I just end up tossing and turning for hours. I never had this problem before when I had to work at a much earlier time. It feels like my luxury to sleep longer has become a hurdle in my effort to further my career due to my constant tardiness. Please help!

Sincerely,

Sleepless in the Fetal.

Dear SITF,

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I myself have the sole job of rolling my ass off my step-mother's basement couch, not getting too fucked up to read a letter, and then respond. However this proves to be a chore due to my depression and blatant abuse of alcohol and narcotics. So this leads me to suggest the method that I use to continue my excessive life-style while keeping my job.

The trick is to get through as many hours of work in one sitting so you have tons of free time and exhaustion. You see, I normally have one month of free time after every work day I put in. You may wonder how this is possible. How could you possibly work that much in a row to have that much free time? Well for me its simple, one day a week I drink my coffee without whiskey and am usually too broke to call Sadanka for some more heroin. At this point I probably owe him a fair amount of money and want to avoid another beer bottle scar to the face. After the coffee I make my way down the library where I roll a grammar school child for their entire prescription of Ritalin. After four hits from a phonebook and several threats of appearing from under his bed at night to rape his mouth shut, should he ever talk, I make my way home to get my day started. I crush those little gems up and snort them up at a dangerous pace. This allows me to burn through four letters in a matter of hours. This allows me an entire month to sleep and do horrible things to strangers while on a kedamine induced stupor. Think about it SITF, all you would have to do is work 160 straight hours and you would have a whole month to catch up on your shut-eye! Just make an investment of $200 in meth on a Monday and get that month started right. The first 72 hours are the worst. But after you hit that mark the rest will be a blur, if remembered at all. Just make sure to have plenty of bananas and Gatorade on hand, otherwise you might accidentally take some sick days towards the last 12 hours of your shift. This leaves almost a whole month to spend with your family, catch up on sleep, or regret what a poor choice it was having unprotected sex at an impromptu vagrant orgy. Now that sounds like time well spent.

Well SITF, this should take care of all you worries about advancing in your new career due to tardiness. Judging by my shaking hands and thirst for Old Granddad, my work month is about to end.

Sincerely,

FHA