Tax Help

Dear FHA,
This is the first year I have filed my taxes as an independent. Normally my dad takes care of this process, but this year he told me it was something I need to learn to do. Do you have any advice on how to make this process as easy as possible?

Sincerely,
Dependent on Parents Earnings

Dear DOPE,

I remember the first time I was required by the government to file my taxes. I received a court injunction three years ago when I made the mistake of getting a library card. One slip up and you're back on the grid. Here are some helpful pointers that should make your tax season a more positive experience.

1. File a Schedule C if you can.
I have learned the benefits of filing this way after many months of garnished wages. Although I only earned a small chunk of my income on a 1099, which you can use to prove you are an independent contractor, I chose to file as self employed. The trick on this however is to find a profession that mirrors your expenses. I myself am an avid movie lover so I chose "Screen Actor". With this declaration I was then able to write off my cell phone, half my rent, half my meals, and my transit card as work related expenses. I also found that my cable, Netflix, theater movies, and books could all be deducted as work related research. However if you really are strapped for cash, it will be hard to make a dent in your taxes with the actual number of movies and books you purchase. What I do is acquire as many ticket stubs as possible that have different show times on each visit. That way what was normally a $5 matinee turns into a $130 deduction. I also find going to book stores and looking for hardback books that still have the receipts in them when purchased new provides valuable fake expenses.

2. Wait Until the Last Minute.
If you're like me you're not going to be getting any money back from the government. By waiting until the very last minute you ensure yourself ample time to compile as many deductions as you can think of. This also is a subtle "Fuck You" to Uncle Sam. Just like your landlord that you wait until the last day of your grace period to give a check for rent. Sure you may have had it on the 29th, but damned if he is gonna get it then. If you put this off too much don't worry, there are things called extensions you can apply for. These allow you several more months to procrastinate in. In my case, I keep filing extensions until I am absolutely sure I don't have the money to move to another country.

3. Get Help from Friends
If you have a friend that is savvy with taxes, don't be afraid to call in a favor. The crowd I run with are mostly thieves and drug dealers. This means they really know how to file bogus tax returns and not get audited. Perhaps you're one of those prudish stick-in-the-mud types that doesn't enjoy living life to the fullest while coked out of your skull at 2AM in a seedy gay-bar. If that's the case then just get on CraigsList. You can find literally anything there. Stumbling upon the right group may even net you a few extra dollars if you're willing to claim that you made $2 million with your street performance act. Friends like this are invaluable, especially if you get busted lying about making $2 million on your street performance act.

4. Get a Street Performers License.
See above.

5. Stay off the Grid
This is your best bet at not having to deal with taxes. If you read Possum Living or watched Into the Wild, you know that if you burn your social security card you no longer exist. I burned all forms of identification I had, only accept payment in cash, which I then quickly use to purchase silver from pawn shops. My 401K is three tube socks filled with 1oz bars of Ag. Should some foul tempered repo-man break into your home late at night demanding the choicest 1984 Winnebago Chieftain back due to signing a fake name to the loan papers, you can smash his skull in with it. My 401K is also my life insurance policy. And for the love of god, don't get a library card... or tell anyone about that repo-man.

Sincerely,
FHA