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Dear FHA,
I've decided to quit smoking. For 15 years I've had a pack-a-day habit and am ready to make a positive change in my life. Do you have any advice on how to go about putting this lifestyle change in place?
Sincerely,
Another Smoker Stopping
Dear ASS,
Another one bites the dust. Being a man that enjoys a few hundred unfiltered squares a week, I can only imagine what sort of neutering experience you had to turn you away from flavor country. However asking me how to get your manhood back wasn't the question, so let me address the way you can go about successfully quit smoking.
1. Stop having sex.
It's been proven that high levels of arousal and pleasure lead to a need continue that spiral of joy. If you're engaging in intercourse regularly with mostly consenting partners, there is a sense of euphoria that fills your body right after screaming your climactic roar face-first in a pillow. Some people find it nearly impossible to engage in intimate activities without pre-gaming their senses with a perfectly harmless rush of nicotine. In my experience it even increases the length of my love making sessions as it awards me the opportunity to stop several times for a quick breather. In some instances, my rented love making partner will enjoy a nice smoke and book while I punish her badly damaged dick pit. Trust me, you'll never stand a chance of quitting if you treasure your ability to engage in an intense, sweaty, physically debilitating 7 minute fuck session.
2. Start dipping snuff.
I'm just throwing this one out there in case you were being literal about just smoking.
3. Don't go outside.
Where are cigarettes? That's right, they are outside of your house, and you can't buy them and smoke them if you never leave your home. Staying in will afford you the opportunity to make sure temptation doesn't get the best of you. One thing I suggest s to sit next to an ashtray and pretend you are still smoking. This way you get all the same sensory fixations without actually smoking. If you want to do yourself a favor, make sure there are some old butts in the tray so you can satisfy your sense of smell as well. Nothing makes you want to quit more than being reminded constantly that you did smoke, but not anymore. Some people have found it useful to watch movies with Humphrey Bogart, Bill Hicks stand-up, and episodes of Mad Men. Staying inside is by far and away your best hope. Plus, you'll look like a pussy if you go outside without a red between your lips.
4. Substitute your smoking with drinking.
I successfully quit for a month with this strategy in my younger days. The trick was to have a shot of burbon every time I wanted to have a smoke. By 8 AM I was too drunk to take the bus to the Marathon gas station 300 yards down the street. It's amazing how easy it was to simply replace one vice with the other. It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but I became a friend of the mother nature during this time. I would wake up at fluctuating intervals throughout the day and find empty cigarette packs that I must have cleaned up off the ground. I'm isn't without a price, every time I would wretch and heave myself awake, it felt as if I had come down with a case of strep-throat. I won't go into too much more detail about my philanthropic work, mostly because I was blacked out most the time and was only able to piece this story together based on what I imagined I would have done.
5. Skip meals and drink lots of coffee.
This is essential if you want to quit smoking. Nobody likes a fatty, and those pounds are going mount you like a jockey mounts another jockey, who has a heart of gold but was wrongly convicted of a felony crime, and just arrived to the prison where the aforementioned jockey is the leader of a rape gang. Do yourself a favor and listen to me, nobody looks good in sweats.
For the most part, I think you're a fucking pussy for quitting. And I'm not saying this because my history of addiction has led me down a hallway of regret that has every door to escape locked from the other side. However if you do wish to quit, these tips should do the trick as you take your bad-ass image into the world of boring, athletic, and fresh smelling.
Sincerely,
FHA
