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Dear FHA,
I have been hearing my co-workers talking about the most recent political issues such as healthcare reform and overhauling the financial banking system. My problem is that I don't have any idea what they are talking about. I just want to know the best way to learn about politics so I won't feel so ignorant when those conversations happen.
Sincerely,
Just a Guy
Dear JAG,
The world of politics is a fickle mistress that will either take you to the top or get you beheaded. Choosing your sides carefully and aligning yourself with the most powerful party will surely be that short-cut to the top you are looking for. In addition you are sure to impress people around you with your insights on the current climate of affairs in the US of A. Here are a few pointers that might help you gather enough knowledge to take your co-workers ten rounds in a political fist fight.
1. Pick a party, and get partisan.
You have to join a team before you can play the game. Nobody will respect the spectator that walks out on the court, no matter how good his jump-shot is. I myself was at a loss to what party to pledge allegiance to, so it came down to something as simple as their logo. I have been a card carrying member of the Personal Choices Party since I became politically active way back in 2005. Once you find a party that suits you, publicly acknowledge how broken all the other parties are. Much like religion, there is only one true way, and everyone is convinced it is their own. So in the end, the winner will be dictated by those who carry the largest majority. Either start convincing people to join you, or start eliminating members of the opposition. It's not my place to decide your course of action, at least that what my party says I should think.
2. Pretend to listen while planning what to say next.
Politics was founded on the principles that you must talk longer than your opponent. They call this tactic a filibuster. It is important to know that when engaged in the war of words, a strong overwhelming mass of fodder is much more effective than one or two well place strikes. Don't bother taking in what is being said to you for processing and analysis. Take this down time to load your mouth cannon with as much propaganda and rhetoric that you can remember. If you come to a point where you are at a loss for things to say about your point, create a fictional place in your mind where you can construct non-truths and pass them off as fact. I call this place my lie-bratory. It is a place where I mix up dangerously incorrect concoctions of overheard stories and TV sound-bites. Whatever your ability as a wordsmith, keep the fires hot and never shut up.
3. Get all of your news from one outlet only.
Nothing throws a wrench in a solid political stance like hearing conflicting informations from two different sources. My suggestion is to stick with one news source and never deviate. I say this as it much easier to discount political adversaries as "sissy bitch liars" if you have never heard their view points from anyone but them. Much like the way that pretending the moon doesn't exist is much easier if you never go out at night. If you never see it, then what truth could their be to one crazy persons ramblings. Keep it simple, keep it contained.
4. Learn the vernacular.
Political jargon is really just a series of code that other politicians look for to verify your authenticity. When you mention how your views on a Oligarchy differ from the basic Feudal systems of the twelfth century, and how the megalomaniacal boon of big government is souring not only people on Wall-street, but the blue collar family man on main-street, the doors of prestige and clout will open. Much like a game of mastermind, keep throwing them out in different combinations. You will be able to gauge what ones were used in the correct order with each other, and what ones should be removed from your speech all together. Taking the time to learn what they mean and how they apply to what you are trying to relay will only slow you down and allow your opponent to filibuster your sorry ass to death.
5. Lie, scream, possibly throw something.
When all else fails, get violent. Just because you're a big boy doesn't mean you can't act like a child in the name of something bigger than you. Pushing down a pregnant woman outside an abortion clinic, punching a scientist for producing GMO's, or just simply yelling faggot at a homosexual man's funeral are all rewarding things that you can do in the name of politics. Open it up, see what takes your fancy.
As you can see there are many facets of politics that will surely make you appear much smarter than the stink-fingered mouth breather I'm sure you are. In the end, just make sure you are louder than anybody else, this is sure to make you right.
Sincerely,
FHA
