Posts
Dear FHA,
I've decided to quit smoking. For 15 years I've had a pack-a-day habit and am ready to make a positive change in my life. Do you have any advice on how to go about putting this lifestyle change in place?
Sincerely,
Another Smoker Stopping
Dear ASS,
Another one bites the dust. Being a man that enjoys a few hundred unfiltered squares a week, I can only imagine what sort of neutering experience you had to turn you away from flavor country. However asking me how to get your manhood back wasn't the question, so let me address the way you can go about successfully quit smoking.
1. Stop having sex.
It's been proven that high levels of arousal and pleasure lead to a need continue that spiral of joy. If you're engaging in intercourse regularly with mostly consenting partners, there is a sense of euphoria that fills your body right after screaming your climactic roar face-first in a pillow. Some people find it nearly impossible to engage in intimate activities without pre-gaming their senses with a perfectly harmless rush of nicotine. In my experience it even increases the length of my love making sessions as it awards me the opportunity to stop several times for a quick breather. In some instances, my rented love making partner will enjoy a nice smoke and book while I punish her badly damaged dick pit. Trust me, you'll never stand a chance of quitting if you treasure your ability to engage in an intense, sweaty, physically debilitating 7 minute fuck session.
2. Start dipping snuff.
I'm just throwing this one out there in case you were being literal about just smoking.
3. Don't go outside.
Where are cigarettes? That's right, they are outside of your house, and you can't buy them and smoke them if you never leave your home. Staying in will afford you the opportunity to make sure temptation doesn't get the best of you. One thing I suggest s to sit next to an ashtray and pretend you are still smoking. This way you get all the same sensory fixations without actually smoking. If you want to do yourself a favor, make sure there are some old butts in the tray so you can satisfy your sense of smell as well. Nothing makes you want to quit more than being reminded constantly that you did smoke, but not anymore. Some people have found it useful to watch movies with Humphrey Bogart, Bill Hicks stand-up, and episodes of Mad Men. Staying inside is by far and away your best hope. Plus, you'll look like a pussy if you go outside without a red between your lips.
4. Substitute your smoking with drinking.
I successfully quit for a month with this strategy in my younger days. The trick was to have a shot of burbon every time I wanted to have a smoke. By 8 AM I was too drunk to take the bus to the Marathon gas station 300 yards down the street. It's amazing how easy it was to simply replace one vice with the other. It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but I became a friend of the mother nature during this time. I would wake up at fluctuating intervals throughout the day and find empty cigarette packs that I must have cleaned up off the ground. I'm isn't without a price, every time I would wretch and heave myself awake, it felt as if I had come down with a case of strep-throat. I won't go into too much more detail about my philanthropic work, mostly because I was blacked out most the time and was only able to piece this story together based on what I imagined I would have done.
5. Skip meals and drink lots of coffee.
This is essential if you want to quit smoking. Nobody likes a fatty, and those pounds are going mount you like a jockey mounts another jockey, who has a heart of gold but was wrongly convicted of a felony crime, and just arrived to the prison where the aforementioned jockey is the leader of a rape gang. Do yourself a favor and listen to me, nobody looks good in sweats.
For the most part, I think you're a fucking pussy for quitting. And I'm not saying this because my history of addiction has led me down a hallway of regret that has every door to escape locked from the other side. However if you do wish to quit, these tips should do the trick as you take your bad-ass image into the world of boring, athletic, and fresh smelling.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Friday, August 6, 2010
Starting a Hobby
Dear FHA,
I have been in the city for several years. My circle of friends are all pairing off and I find myself with an abundance of free time. Is there a good way to get into a hobby to meet more people and soak up some of this free time?
Sincerely,
Hobby Hunter
Dear HH,
Utilizing newly found free time is a chore I recently was tasked with as well. After finishing up the last of my court mandated community service hours and drug rehabilitation programs, I found myself with literally hours free every week. Instantly I entertained the idea of picking up a new hard drug habit, but all my old dealers had died in a prison fire. Sadly I decided to investigate other activities that I knew much less about. Here are some pointers I picked up along the way to help you fill those lonely depression filled hours of your seemingly pointless life.
1. Don't do something too constructive.
It sounds tempting to find a hobby that allows you to grow your personal skill set in addition to killing time, but it's a Pandora's Box that is best left closed. Learning too much causes you to become distracted from your mundane life. This in turn leads you to question why you aren't doing your hobby for a job. Although it may seem like a fun and possibly lucrative endeavor, there are consequences for taking such risks. When I decided that I would assist with suicides full-time and relinquish my partnership Jaundice & Associates, it seemed like a dream career move. However the pay was less, the hours were longer, and I seemed to be spending even more time in court than when I was a lawyer. Even though the satisfaction of bringing a smile to the faces of sad ex-boyfriends, jealous siblings, and organ harvesters was plentiful, my ability to live a public life was not.
2. Find something that is niche.
I call it like I see it, and you sound like you don't get laid much. Why would I say this? Because your friends are all getting married and you are looking for a hobby. This all ties together with finding a hobby that is specific to a very small niche. Choose something like night kiting or writing Fear Factor fan-fiction. This will guarantee that all the people with the same hobby also don't get laid. Once you become established on the message boards or in the meetings held in church basements, you can start to make your move. Here is your chance to be awkwardly intimate with all members of your preferred gender. Don't worry about hurting feelings and uneasy tension. When you have worked your way through the last naive person, simply announce you are leaving the world of said hobby. Remember, they are there because they love their hobby more than human contact, so you're doing them a real solid.
3. Don't get too attached to your hobby.
See rule 1 & 2.
4. Inform others about how great your current hobby is.
Even if your new found time waster is boring you to tears, lie. Tell everyone that your activities are unsurpassed by any other choice of time passing. Go so far as to create a Twitter Account to remind people continually how much fun you're having. This works well to distract questions about your real life. Wouldn't it be much nicer to have someone ask about your HAM radio rather than question if it's healthy for you to have another slice of ice-cream cake with such severe diabetes? You can also use your hobby to get out of work! Next time you plan on hitting the state-line casino/strip-club/buffet, just tell your boss you have a convention for you hobby. Who can blame you for taking a little personal time to chase your passion. At least that's what your boss will think.
I hope these pointers come in useful when you choose a new hobby. Lord knows I'm looking for more options as I near the end of "working the circuit" of all yarn-based crafts. Those ladies are a bit more wild under the afghan.
Sincerely,
FHA
I have been in the city for several years. My circle of friends are all pairing off and I find myself with an abundance of free time. Is there a good way to get into a hobby to meet more people and soak up some of this free time?
Sincerely,
Hobby Hunter
Dear HH,
Utilizing newly found free time is a chore I recently was tasked with as well. After finishing up the last of my court mandated community service hours and drug rehabilitation programs, I found myself with literally hours free every week. Instantly I entertained the idea of picking up a new hard drug habit, but all my old dealers had died in a prison fire. Sadly I decided to investigate other activities that I knew much less about. Here are some pointers I picked up along the way to help you fill those lonely depression filled hours of your seemingly pointless life.
1. Don't do something too constructive.
It sounds tempting to find a hobby that allows you to grow your personal skill set in addition to killing time, but it's a Pandora's Box that is best left closed. Learning too much causes you to become distracted from your mundane life. This in turn leads you to question why you aren't doing your hobby for a job. Although it may seem like a fun and possibly lucrative endeavor, there are consequences for taking such risks. When I decided that I would assist with suicides full-time and relinquish my partnership Jaundice & Associates, it seemed like a dream career move. However the pay was less, the hours were longer, and I seemed to be spending even more time in court than when I was a lawyer. Even though the satisfaction of bringing a smile to the faces of sad ex-boyfriends, jealous siblings, and organ harvesters was plentiful, my ability to live a public life was not.
2. Find something that is niche.
I call it like I see it, and you sound like you don't get laid much. Why would I say this? Because your friends are all getting married and you are looking for a hobby. This all ties together with finding a hobby that is specific to a very small niche. Choose something like night kiting or writing Fear Factor fan-fiction. This will guarantee that all the people with the same hobby also don't get laid. Once you become established on the message boards or in the meetings held in church basements, you can start to make your move. Here is your chance to be awkwardly intimate with all members of your preferred gender. Don't worry about hurting feelings and uneasy tension. When you have worked your way through the last naive person, simply announce you are leaving the world of said hobby. Remember, they are there because they love their hobby more than human contact, so you're doing them a real solid.
3. Don't get too attached to your hobby.
See rule 1 & 2.
4. Inform others about how great your current hobby is.
Even if your new found time waster is boring you to tears, lie. Tell everyone that your activities are unsurpassed by any other choice of time passing. Go so far as to create a Twitter Account to remind people continually how much fun you're having. This works well to distract questions about your real life. Wouldn't it be much nicer to have someone ask about your HAM radio rather than question if it's healthy for you to have another slice of ice-cream cake with such severe diabetes? You can also use your hobby to get out of work! Next time you plan on hitting the state-line casino/strip-club/buffet, just tell your boss you have a convention for you hobby. Who can blame you for taking a little personal time to chase your passion. At least that's what your boss will think.
I hope these pointers come in useful when you choose a new hobby. Lord knows I'm looking for more options as I near the end of "working the circuit" of all yarn-based crafts. Those ladies are a bit more wild under the afghan.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tax Help
Dear FHA,
This is the first year I have filed my taxes as an independent. Normally my dad takes care of this process, but this year he told me it was something I need to learn to do. Do you have any advice on how to make this process as easy as possible?
Sincerely,
Dependent on Parents Earnings
Dear DOPE,
I remember the first time I was required by the government to file my taxes. I received a court injunction three years ago when I made the mistake of getting a library card. One slip up and you're back on the grid. Here are some helpful pointers that should make your tax season a more positive experience.
1. File a Schedule C if you can.
I have learned the benefits of filing this way after many months of garnished wages. Although I only earned a small chunk of my income on a 1099, which you can use to prove you are an independent contractor, I chose to file as self employed. The trick on this however is to find a profession that mirrors your expenses. I myself am an avid movie lover so I chose "Screen Actor". With this declaration I was then able to write off my cell phone, half my rent, half my meals, and my transit card as work related expenses. I also found that my cable, Netflix, theater movies, and books could all be deducted as work related research. However if you really are strapped for cash, it will be hard to make a dent in your taxes with the actual number of movies and books you purchase. What I do is acquire as many ticket stubs as possible that have different show times on each visit. That way what was normally a $5 matinee turns into a $130 deduction. I also find going to book stores and looking for hardback books that still have the receipts in them when purchased new provides valuable fake expenses.
2. Wait Until the Last Minute.
If you're like me you're not going to be getting any money back from the government. By waiting until the very last minute you ensure yourself ample time to compile as many deductions as you can think of. This also is a subtle "Fuck You" to Uncle Sam. Just like your landlord that you wait until the last day of your grace period to give a check for rent. Sure you may have had it on the 29th, but damned if he is gonna get it then. If you put this off too much don't worry, there are things called extensions you can apply for. These allow you several more months to procrastinate in. In my case, I keep filing extensions until I am absolutely sure I don't have the money to move to another country.
3. Get Help from Friends
If you have a friend that is savvy with taxes, don't be afraid to call in a favor. The crowd I run with are mostly thieves and drug dealers. This means they really know how to file bogus tax returns and not get audited. Perhaps you're one of those prudish stick-in-the-mud types that doesn't enjoy living life to the fullest while coked out of your skull at 2AM in a seedy gay-bar. If that's the case then just get on CraigsList. You can find literally anything there. Stumbling upon the right group may even net you a few extra dollars if you're willing to claim that you made $2 million with your street performance act. Friends like this are invaluable, especially if you get busted lying about making $2 million on your street performance act.
4. Get a Street Performers License.
See above.
5. Stay off the Grid
This is your best bet at not having to deal with taxes. If you read Possum Living or watched Into the Wild, you know that if you burn your social security card you no longer exist. I burned all forms of identification I had, only accept payment in cash, which I then quickly use to purchase silver from pawn shops. My 401K is three tube socks filled with 1oz bars of Ag. Should some foul tempered repo-man break into your home late at night demanding the choicest 1984 Winnebago Chieftain back due to signing a fake name to the loan papers, you can smash his skull in with it. My 401K is also my life insurance policy. And for the love of god, don't get a library card... or tell anyone about that repo-man.
Sincerely,
FHA
This is the first year I have filed my taxes as an independent. Normally my dad takes care of this process, but this year he told me it was something I need to learn to do. Do you have any advice on how to make this process as easy as possible?
Sincerely,
Dependent on Parents Earnings
Dear DOPE,
I remember the first time I was required by the government to file my taxes. I received a court injunction three years ago when I made the mistake of getting a library card. One slip up and you're back on the grid. Here are some helpful pointers that should make your tax season a more positive experience.
1. File a Schedule C if you can.
I have learned the benefits of filing this way after many months of garnished wages. Although I only earned a small chunk of my income on a 1099, which you can use to prove you are an independent contractor, I chose to file as self employed. The trick on this however is to find a profession that mirrors your expenses. I myself am an avid movie lover so I chose "Screen Actor". With this declaration I was then able to write off my cell phone, half my rent, half my meals, and my transit card as work related expenses. I also found that my cable, Netflix, theater movies, and books could all be deducted as work related research. However if you really are strapped for cash, it will be hard to make a dent in your taxes with the actual number of movies and books you purchase. What I do is acquire as many ticket stubs as possible that have different show times on each visit. That way what was normally a $5 matinee turns into a $130 deduction. I also find going to book stores and looking for hardback books that still have the receipts in them when purchased new provides valuable fake expenses.
2. Wait Until the Last Minute.
If you're like me you're not going to be getting any money back from the government. By waiting until the very last minute you ensure yourself ample time to compile as many deductions as you can think of. This also is a subtle "Fuck You" to Uncle Sam. Just like your landlord that you wait until the last day of your grace period to give a check for rent. Sure you may have had it on the 29th, but damned if he is gonna get it then. If you put this off too much don't worry, there are things called extensions you can apply for. These allow you several more months to procrastinate in. In my case, I keep filing extensions until I am absolutely sure I don't have the money to move to another country.
3. Get Help from Friends
If you have a friend that is savvy with taxes, don't be afraid to call in a favor. The crowd I run with are mostly thieves and drug dealers. This means they really know how to file bogus tax returns and not get audited. Perhaps you're one of those prudish stick-in-the-mud types that doesn't enjoy living life to the fullest while coked out of your skull at 2AM in a seedy gay-bar. If that's the case then just get on CraigsList. You can find literally anything there. Stumbling upon the right group may even net you a few extra dollars if you're willing to claim that you made $2 million with your street performance act. Friends like this are invaluable, especially if you get busted lying about making $2 million on your street performance act.
4. Get a Street Performers License.
See above.
5. Stay off the Grid
This is your best bet at not having to deal with taxes. If you read Possum Living or watched Into the Wild, you know that if you burn your social security card you no longer exist. I burned all forms of identification I had, only accept payment in cash, which I then quickly use to purchase silver from pawn shops. My 401K is three tube socks filled with 1oz bars of Ag. Should some foul tempered repo-man break into your home late at night demanding the choicest 1984 Winnebago Chieftain back due to signing a fake name to the loan papers, you can smash his skull in with it. My 401K is also my life insurance policy. And for the love of god, don't get a library card... or tell anyone about that repo-man.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Messy Roommate
Dear FHA,
I've been living with my roommate for over a year and they are great. We have no problems at all in terms of personality, however we are a bit different when it comes to our capacity to clean up after ourselves. I just wanted to know the best way to approach this situation without coming off as a clean freak or asshole. Please help me find a way to broach this situation.
Sincerely,
Boy in the Clean House
Dear BITCH,
This is indeed a touchy situation to find yourself in. There are certainly different cultural factors that go into how each person cares for their domicile. In my experience it is something that is best left to work itself out. I'm not one for direct conflict, so here are some ways you can get your way while minimizing any direct communication.
1. Start a stand-off with chores.
Clean Side: As the clean freak of the house this may cause you some grief. You are tired of doing all the chores around the house, so the best solution is to leave them until they become so overwhelmingly bad that your counterpart is forced to finally take some action. This involves leaving those plates with half-eaten meals still on them in the sink. Also all the pots and pans that they dirtied up when attempting to impress a girl with basic cooking prowess should also be neglected. Even if you are on a budget and need to use one of those pots to boil your last remaining potato, don't. You will only empower them to continue their current behavior.
Messy Side: Continue not doing what you are not doing. If it gets to a point where there are no plates left, find other things to eat off of. Also, keep a stash of plastic silverware in your room so when the real stuff is gone, you can still wolf down microwaveable dinners.
2. Construct a chore wheel
Clean Side: This is a good way for you to address your dissatisfaction with the current situation while still not having to verbally arouse the subject. Posting it on the fridge with days laid out is a fantastic way to make sure they are aware of what you expect from them. The trick is to start small with maybe three major chores like, dishes, sweeping, and cleaning the bathroom. If you dive into the details too soon you're sure to arouse a complaint about the anal nature in which it was constructed. It might even help for you to give yourself the most problematic chore first. If your bathroom reminds you of a Port-o-let that was kicked over and dragged through a wading pool of throw-up, take that bullet and clean it up really nice. Then when things rotate your roommate will merely have to maintain the fantastic job you have done.
Messy Side: Pretend not to see the chore wheel, unless you notice it's really anal. Then say something very passive aggressive about how the person who made the wheel should "get laid" and stop "making fag crafts". If approached about doing your chore, say you'll do it later or that you did it already.
3. Lead by example.
Clean Side: There are times when all someone needs to inspire them to live better is to have a solid role model. If you want to have something clean, then make it clean. The more your counterpart sees you taking pride in the appearance of your shared space, the more likely they are to pitch in and help out. When you dirty a dish, put it in the dishwasher. When you have food that has expired, throw it away. When you have a recyclable item, make sure to put it in the recycling bag not the garbage. Surely they will notice your actions and not continue to just throw dirty dishes in the sink, ignore their Thanksgiving leftovers, and throw beer bottles, newspaper, beer boxes, soda cans, into the garbage... but still managing to find the insight to throw used kleenex and orange peels into the recycling. Seriously, they will learn.
Messy Side: You won't learn, so don't try. Keep being a slob. If you want to kill any sort of stink-eyed looks that might happen in the meantime, make sure you do some chores... horribly wrong. I'm talking about loading the dishwasher with six items, three of them non-dishwasher safe pots and pans, and running it while your roommate is in the shower. Offer to clean the bathroom by simply spraying everything with lysol, or clean the living room by throwing all the stuff in a box and putting it in your storage space. This should ensure they never pressure you about doing a chore again.
4. Find a new living situation.
Clean Side: When all else fails move out. Find someone that is more compatible with your living style and hygiene requirements. From there you will more than likely become the "messy one" in the house, or will remain the "anal clean one". If you have your life together enough, go live on your own. That way you can make sure whatever happens in your living situation is due to your direct impact. Also get used to masturbating, because cohabitation with the opposite sex may not be in the cards for you.
Messy Side: Find another roommate that is clueless about your complete inability to complete basic functions of independence. You're an adult, so don't let them see any signs that you have no idea how to do a load of laundry or effectively use a mop. If you're running low on roommates, look to get married. Even if you're not in love and you don't feel ready for it, getting married to someone that will clean up after you is much better than dying in a trash fire you accidentally started when you're old copies of the Red-Eye ended up just a little too close to the space heater. Consider it a life investment.
Of course you could just talk with your roommate about your concerns, but then you might make it awkward for tens of minutes. Better to avoid that prospect and just hunker down with passive aggressive maneuvers. As I type this, I'm going to put one plate in the oven, one in the glass cabinet, and one in fridge. Should be the last time I get asked to unload the dishwasher.
Sincerely,
FHA
I've been living with my roommate for over a year and they are great. We have no problems at all in terms of personality, however we are a bit different when it comes to our capacity to clean up after ourselves. I just wanted to know the best way to approach this situation without coming off as a clean freak or asshole. Please help me find a way to broach this situation.
Sincerely,
Boy in the Clean House
Dear BITCH,
This is indeed a touchy situation to find yourself in. There are certainly different cultural factors that go into how each person cares for their domicile. In my experience it is something that is best left to work itself out. I'm not one for direct conflict, so here are some ways you can get your way while minimizing any direct communication.
1. Start a stand-off with chores.
Clean Side: As the clean freak of the house this may cause you some grief. You are tired of doing all the chores around the house, so the best solution is to leave them until they become so overwhelmingly bad that your counterpart is forced to finally take some action. This involves leaving those plates with half-eaten meals still on them in the sink. Also all the pots and pans that they dirtied up when attempting to impress a girl with basic cooking prowess should also be neglected. Even if you are on a budget and need to use one of those pots to boil your last remaining potato, don't. You will only empower them to continue their current behavior.
Messy Side: Continue not doing what you are not doing. If it gets to a point where there are no plates left, find other things to eat off of. Also, keep a stash of plastic silverware in your room so when the real stuff is gone, you can still wolf down microwaveable dinners.
2. Construct a chore wheel
Clean Side: This is a good way for you to address your dissatisfaction with the current situation while still not having to verbally arouse the subject. Posting it on the fridge with days laid out is a fantastic way to make sure they are aware of what you expect from them. The trick is to start small with maybe three major chores like, dishes, sweeping, and cleaning the bathroom. If you dive into the details too soon you're sure to arouse a complaint about the anal nature in which it was constructed. It might even help for you to give yourself the most problematic chore first. If your bathroom reminds you of a Port-o-let that was kicked over and dragged through a wading pool of throw-up, take that bullet and clean it up really nice. Then when things rotate your roommate will merely have to maintain the fantastic job you have done.
Messy Side: Pretend not to see the chore wheel, unless you notice it's really anal. Then say something very passive aggressive about how the person who made the wheel should "get laid" and stop "making fag crafts". If approached about doing your chore, say you'll do it later or that you did it already.
3. Lead by example.
Clean Side: There are times when all someone needs to inspire them to live better is to have a solid role model. If you want to have something clean, then make it clean. The more your counterpart sees you taking pride in the appearance of your shared space, the more likely they are to pitch in and help out. When you dirty a dish, put it in the dishwasher. When you have food that has expired, throw it away. When you have a recyclable item, make sure to put it in the recycling bag not the garbage. Surely they will notice your actions and not continue to just throw dirty dishes in the sink, ignore their Thanksgiving leftovers, and throw beer bottles, newspaper, beer boxes, soda cans, into the garbage... but still managing to find the insight to throw used kleenex and orange peels into the recycling. Seriously, they will learn.
Messy Side: You won't learn, so don't try. Keep being a slob. If you want to kill any sort of stink-eyed looks that might happen in the meantime, make sure you do some chores... horribly wrong. I'm talking about loading the dishwasher with six items, three of them non-dishwasher safe pots and pans, and running it while your roommate is in the shower. Offer to clean the bathroom by simply spraying everything with lysol, or clean the living room by throwing all the stuff in a box and putting it in your storage space. This should ensure they never pressure you about doing a chore again.
4. Find a new living situation.
Clean Side: When all else fails move out. Find someone that is more compatible with your living style and hygiene requirements. From there you will more than likely become the "messy one" in the house, or will remain the "anal clean one". If you have your life together enough, go live on your own. That way you can make sure whatever happens in your living situation is due to your direct impact. Also get used to masturbating, because cohabitation with the opposite sex may not be in the cards for you.
Messy Side: Find another roommate that is clueless about your complete inability to complete basic functions of independence. You're an adult, so don't let them see any signs that you have no idea how to do a load of laundry or effectively use a mop. If you're running low on roommates, look to get married. Even if you're not in love and you don't feel ready for it, getting married to someone that will clean up after you is much better than dying in a trash fire you accidentally started when you're old copies of the Red-Eye ended up just a little too close to the space heater. Consider it a life investment.
Of course you could just talk with your roommate about your concerns, but then you might make it awkward for tens of minutes. Better to avoid that prospect and just hunker down with passive aggressive maneuvers. As I type this, I'm going to put one plate in the oven, one in the glass cabinet, and one in fridge. Should be the last time I get asked to unload the dishwasher.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Being Politically Active
Dear FHA,
I have been hearing my co-workers talking about the most recent political issues such as healthcare reform and overhauling the financial banking system. My problem is that I don't have any idea what they are talking about. I just want to know the best way to learn about politics so I won't feel so ignorant when those conversations happen.
Sincerely,
Just a Guy
Dear JAG,
The world of politics is a fickle mistress that will either take you to the top or get you beheaded. Choosing your sides carefully and aligning yourself with the most powerful party will surely be that short-cut to the top you are looking for. In addition you are sure to impress people around you with your insights on the current climate of affairs in the US of A. Here are a few pointers that might help you gather enough knowledge to take your co-workers ten rounds in a political fist fight.
1. Pick a party, and get partisan.
You have to join a team before you can play the game. Nobody will respect the spectator that walks out on the court, no matter how good his jump-shot is. I myself was at a loss to what party to pledge allegiance to, so it came down to something as simple as their logo. I have been a card carrying member of the Personal Choices Party since I became politically active way back in 2005. Once you find a party that suits you, publicly acknowledge how broken all the other parties are. Much like religion, there is only one true way, and everyone is convinced it is their own. So in the end, the winner will be dictated by those who carry the largest majority. Either start convincing people to join you, or start eliminating members of the opposition. It's not my place to decide your course of action, at least that what my party says I should think.
2. Pretend to listen while planning what to say next.
Politics was founded on the principles that you must talk longer than your opponent. They call this tactic a filibuster. It is important to know that when engaged in the war of words, a strong overwhelming mass of fodder is much more effective than one or two well place strikes. Don't bother taking in what is being said to you for processing and analysis. Take this down time to load your mouth cannon with as much propaganda and rhetoric that you can remember. If you come to a point where you are at a loss for things to say about your point, create a fictional place in your mind where you can construct non-truths and pass them off as fact. I call this place my lie-bratory. It is a place where I mix up dangerously incorrect concoctions of overheard stories and TV sound-bites. Whatever your ability as a wordsmith, keep the fires hot and never shut up.
3. Get all of your news from one outlet only.
Nothing throws a wrench in a solid political stance like hearing conflicting informations from two different sources. My suggestion is to stick with one news source and never deviate. I say this as it much easier to discount political adversaries as "sissy bitch liars" if you have never heard their view points from anyone but them. Much like the way that pretending the moon doesn't exist is much easier if you never go out at night. If you never see it, then what truth could their be to one crazy persons ramblings. Keep it simple, keep it contained.
4. Learn the vernacular.
Political jargon is really just a series of code that other politicians look for to verify your authenticity. When you mention how your views on a Oligarchy differ from the basic Feudal systems of the twelfth century, and how the megalomaniacal boon of big government is souring not only people on Wall-street, but the blue collar family man on main-street, the doors of prestige and clout will open. Much like a game of mastermind, keep throwing them out in different combinations. You will be able to gauge what ones were used in the correct order with each other, and what ones should be removed from your speech all together. Taking the time to learn what they mean and how they apply to what you are trying to relay will only slow you down and allow your opponent to filibuster your sorry ass to death.
5. Lie, scream, possibly throw something.
When all else fails, get violent. Just because you're a big boy doesn't mean you can't act like a child in the name of something bigger than you. Pushing down a pregnant woman outside an abortion clinic, punching a scientist for producing GMO's, or just simply yelling faggot at a homosexual man's funeral are all rewarding things that you can do in the name of politics. Open it up, see what takes your fancy.
As you can see there are many facets of politics that will surely make you appear much smarter than the stink-fingered mouth breather I'm sure you are. In the end, just make sure you are louder than anybody else, this is sure to make you right.
Sincerely,
FHA
I have been hearing my co-workers talking about the most recent political issues such as healthcare reform and overhauling the financial banking system. My problem is that I don't have any idea what they are talking about. I just want to know the best way to learn about politics so I won't feel so ignorant when those conversations happen.
Sincerely,
Just a Guy
Dear JAG,
The world of politics is a fickle mistress that will either take you to the top or get you beheaded. Choosing your sides carefully and aligning yourself with the most powerful party will surely be that short-cut to the top you are looking for. In addition you are sure to impress people around you with your insights on the current climate of affairs in the US of A. Here are a few pointers that might help you gather enough knowledge to take your co-workers ten rounds in a political fist fight.
1. Pick a party, and get partisan.
You have to join a team before you can play the game. Nobody will respect the spectator that walks out on the court, no matter how good his jump-shot is. I myself was at a loss to what party to pledge allegiance to, so it came down to something as simple as their logo. I have been a card carrying member of the Personal Choices Party since I became politically active way back in 2005. Once you find a party that suits you, publicly acknowledge how broken all the other parties are. Much like religion, there is only one true way, and everyone is convinced it is their own. So in the end, the winner will be dictated by those who carry the largest majority. Either start convincing people to join you, or start eliminating members of the opposition. It's not my place to decide your course of action, at least that what my party says I should think.
2. Pretend to listen while planning what to say next.
Politics was founded on the principles that you must talk longer than your opponent. They call this tactic a filibuster. It is important to know that when engaged in the war of words, a strong overwhelming mass of fodder is much more effective than one or two well place strikes. Don't bother taking in what is being said to you for processing and analysis. Take this down time to load your mouth cannon with as much propaganda and rhetoric that you can remember. If you come to a point where you are at a loss for things to say about your point, create a fictional place in your mind where you can construct non-truths and pass them off as fact. I call this place my lie-bratory. It is a place where I mix up dangerously incorrect concoctions of overheard stories and TV sound-bites. Whatever your ability as a wordsmith, keep the fires hot and never shut up.
3. Get all of your news from one outlet only.
Nothing throws a wrench in a solid political stance like hearing conflicting informations from two different sources. My suggestion is to stick with one news source and never deviate. I say this as it much easier to discount political adversaries as "sissy bitch liars" if you have never heard their view points from anyone but them. Much like the way that pretending the moon doesn't exist is much easier if you never go out at night. If you never see it, then what truth could their be to one crazy persons ramblings. Keep it simple, keep it contained.
4. Learn the vernacular.
Political jargon is really just a series of code that other politicians look for to verify your authenticity. When you mention how your views on a Oligarchy differ from the basic Feudal systems of the twelfth century, and how the megalomaniacal boon of big government is souring not only people on Wall-street, but the blue collar family man on main-street, the doors of prestige and clout will open. Much like a game of mastermind, keep throwing them out in different combinations. You will be able to gauge what ones were used in the correct order with each other, and what ones should be removed from your speech all together. Taking the time to learn what they mean and how they apply to what you are trying to relay will only slow you down and allow your opponent to filibuster your sorry ass to death.
5. Lie, scream, possibly throw something.
When all else fails, get violent. Just because you're a big boy doesn't mean you can't act like a child in the name of something bigger than you. Pushing down a pregnant woman outside an abortion clinic, punching a scientist for producing GMO's, or just simply yelling faggot at a homosexual man's funeral are all rewarding things that you can do in the name of politics. Open it up, see what takes your fancy.
As you can see there are many facets of politics that will surely make you appear much smarter than the stink-fingered mouth breather I'm sure you are. In the end, just make sure you are louder than anybody else, this is sure to make you right.
Sincerely,
FHA
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Meeting Women
Dear FHA,
I am a single guy looking to meet for some companionship. There are thousands of women in this city but I can't seem to find one that is right for me. I know it's hard work, but what way can I go about finding someone that is right for me?
Sincerely,
Single and Poor
Dear SAP,
Finding a companion in life is one of the great adventures. Some may argue that the searching process is more important that everything that comes afterwards. I live in that camp and don't plan on taking my tent down anytime soon. Here are a few tricks I've managed to pick up during my time on the quest for the tender embrace of a woman.
1. Be Coy, Mysterious, and Shy
Nothing fuels a woman's interest like a seeming lack on your part. If you see a woman that you find attractive, make no effort to get her attention. Make sure to just sit and pretend you are comfortable in whatever situation you have subjected yourself to in hopes of meeting that woman. If it was ever meant to be she will approach you and begin a conversation that will last for hours on end without effort. Love is something that you will be given when the time is right. Like a fine wine, you just let it sit there in the dark aging until it is required by some rich socialite in need of a status play. Just keep your cool and make sure that the dark feelings of loneliness and defeat never surface in public. Attempting to start a conversation with a prospective lover will only end in financial expense, shame, and possibly a couple months of embrace that you could use as a learning experience down the road. Are we looking for love, or are we looking for education? Shut it and wait.
2. Stay in One Social Setting
Going to different activities and public places that serve as a mingling place for people you haven't talked to before is a terrible move. Faking your comfort in those situations will instantly point you out as the guy who is just there to get laid. The idea that any man would ever attempt to open his mind to new activities and cultures in hopes of finding a like-minded woman is absurd. Nobody does that, and if they say they do, they are lying or gay. Stick to the people you already have an established relationship with. Interacting with people that posses new and exciting views on life and the activities within it are frightening. If you are in a band, know you will only date another girl in a band.
3. Plan For the Worst
Too many times people jump into relationships with a fool hearty idea of what could happen. Be one of the smart ones that jumps in with a knowledge of what will happen. Odds are you will break-up eventually. Don't neglect that fact and throw yourself into a relationship completely. When you do that the break will come as a surprise and hurt ten-fold. I have never committed fully to anything, and because of this my last divorce was just an appointment in my life that I didn't know the exact date of. When you dive in without looking you become vulnerable to compromise, personal growth, and shared responsibility for making things work. Keep your distance from this and you can continue to have your life outside of that person, because honestly that will be what you have to get back to when she eventually leaves you.
4. Think About Everything
Every thing that happens has a meaning you haven't determined yet. Unlike the female species who has been given the teacher's addition to relationships, we have to sit and labor over what everything "really means". Sure, she said she wants to see you tonight, but was that because she really wants to see you, or because this is the one night in the past week where you made plans to hang out with your friends at a bar, and by telling you she wants to see you, is she really telling you that she doesn't like your friends, or how much you drink, or the fact you don't like to watch The Bachelor and she is trying to get you to appreciate it more, which may lead to her trying to corner you into marriage, which is something you just aren't ready for at 27 and honestly have no idea when you will be in a situation to make that large of a commitment, not because you don't love her but because you haven't really established yourself in any sort of field that would allow you to financially care for another person.... or if this is the one time that she throws it out there as a control just to gauge what your reaction will be when she actually makes that play!! Fuck! Run!
For the most part, stay away from relationships. If you require companionship, rent it. I've never owned a house and feel completely at home in this studio apartment. Sure it smells bad and costs way too much for what I get, and in long run I'll just end up with memories of things I wanted to have, but for right now I feel safe. I hope this helps.
Sincerely,
FHA
I am a single guy looking to meet for some companionship. There are thousands of women in this city but I can't seem to find one that is right for me. I know it's hard work, but what way can I go about finding someone that is right for me?
Sincerely,
Single and Poor
Dear SAP,
Finding a companion in life is one of the great adventures. Some may argue that the searching process is more important that everything that comes afterwards. I live in that camp and don't plan on taking my tent down anytime soon. Here are a few tricks I've managed to pick up during my time on the quest for the tender embrace of a woman.
1. Be Coy, Mysterious, and Shy
Nothing fuels a woman's interest like a seeming lack on your part. If you see a woman that you find attractive, make no effort to get her attention. Make sure to just sit and pretend you are comfortable in whatever situation you have subjected yourself to in hopes of meeting that woman. If it was ever meant to be she will approach you and begin a conversation that will last for hours on end without effort. Love is something that you will be given when the time is right. Like a fine wine, you just let it sit there in the dark aging until it is required by some rich socialite in need of a status play. Just keep your cool and make sure that the dark feelings of loneliness and defeat never surface in public. Attempting to start a conversation with a prospective lover will only end in financial expense, shame, and possibly a couple months of embrace that you could use as a learning experience down the road. Are we looking for love, or are we looking for education? Shut it and wait.
2. Stay in One Social Setting
Going to different activities and public places that serve as a mingling place for people you haven't talked to before is a terrible move. Faking your comfort in those situations will instantly point you out as the guy who is just there to get laid. The idea that any man would ever attempt to open his mind to new activities and cultures in hopes of finding a like-minded woman is absurd. Nobody does that, and if they say they do, they are lying or gay. Stick to the people you already have an established relationship with. Interacting with people that posses new and exciting views on life and the activities within it are frightening. If you are in a band, know you will only date another girl in a band.
3. Plan For the Worst
Too many times people jump into relationships with a fool hearty idea of what could happen. Be one of the smart ones that jumps in with a knowledge of what will happen. Odds are you will break-up eventually. Don't neglect that fact and throw yourself into a relationship completely. When you do that the break will come as a surprise and hurt ten-fold. I have never committed fully to anything, and because of this my last divorce was just an appointment in my life that I didn't know the exact date of. When you dive in without looking you become vulnerable to compromise, personal growth, and shared responsibility for making things work. Keep your distance from this and you can continue to have your life outside of that person, because honestly that will be what you have to get back to when she eventually leaves you.
4. Think About Everything
Every thing that happens has a meaning you haven't determined yet. Unlike the female species who has been given the teacher's addition to relationships, we have to sit and labor over what everything "really means". Sure, she said she wants to see you tonight, but was that because she really wants to see you, or because this is the one night in the past week where you made plans to hang out with your friends at a bar, and by telling you she wants to see you, is she really telling you that she doesn't like your friends, or how much you drink, or the fact you don't like to watch The Bachelor and she is trying to get you to appreciate it more, which may lead to her trying to corner you into marriage, which is something you just aren't ready for at 27 and honestly have no idea when you will be in a situation to make that large of a commitment, not because you don't love her but because you haven't really established yourself in any sort of field that would allow you to financially care for another person.... or if this is the one time that she throws it out there as a control just to gauge what your reaction will be when she actually makes that play!! Fuck! Run!
For the most part, stay away from relationships. If you require companionship, rent it. I've never owned a house and feel completely at home in this studio apartment. Sure it smells bad and costs way too much for what I get, and in long run I'll just end up with memories of things I wanted to have, but for right now I feel safe. I hope this helps.
Sincerely,
FHA
Friday, December 18, 2009
Being Unemployed
Dear FHA,
Recently I quit my job and am in the process of looking for a new one. Things are pretty dismal and I was wondering if you had some advice on things I could do in the interim to keep my spirits up?
Sincerely,
Unemployed Person
Dear UP,
It can be a challenging thing to keep your moral high enough to not run to the medicine cabinet and down a bottle and a half of Tylenol just to end the suffering. Here is some helpful advice to make the time you spend looking a bit more chipper.
1. Put your personal health on the back burner
Lots of people take this time to better their life as the stress of their old job is gone. I think it's a waste of time and resources. You could start cooking more healthy meals at home. You could take an hour out of your day to exercise. You might even be tempted to give up drinking while job hunting. What you might not realize is you can do all those things when you finally get a job that you hate again. If you occupy your time with making your life better in general, you might forget what a giant loser you are for being broke. Take this time to start smoking, doubting your self worth, and drinking the pain of borrowing money from family members away. You fantasized about the time you could just sit on your couch in a whiskey haze for a week, so take advantage of it. Even if you have to cancel an interview because the days blurred together and you find yourself drunk at 8AM before your first real chance at a job in months. All you would end up doing is shortening your personal misery, which is the driving force behind getting a quality job.
2. Don't share your misery with your family
It might seem like a good idea to tell your mother how terrible you feel, but do you really want her to know what a failure you are? Make sure you only talk to them on the rare occasions when you book a temp gig that will only pay enough to recoup the cost of your train ride and lunch. This way they will know you are "still working" and not just sitting on your ass getting drunk. The only other time it is acceptable to contact them is when your rent is due. Make sure to contact in a drunken weepy mess asking them to send you a large sum of money because you have failed for another consecutive month to get a job. This way the conversation is short and there will be no room for them to shame you more than you already have shamed yourself.
3. Start blogging about your your woes
This is a great outlet for you to put how mad you are at the system for failing you. Make sure your name is highly visible on it as well. If you do it often enough, it will surely drive any prospective employers who have a half a brain to Google your name to the page. They definitely won't hire you based on the content, but it will drive up the number of page hits so you can collect your 3 cents from the Google Ads you've placed on it. This will allow you more free time to update and still make just enough money to fool yourself into believing you could make a living by bitching online.
4. Get more credit cards
Just because you're broke doesn't mean you have to live like you are. Get a bunch of cards that you will only make a minimum payment on (if at all, am I right?) as to maintain that little slice of lower middle class you have come to love. Don't tell your friends you can't go out with them because you're broke, but instead pick up the tab when you do just to let them know that you're doing just fine. This is also your chance to improve your DVD and video game collection. Those outlets will give you the chance to waste hours that you normally would spend looking for a job and being frustrated on things that mean nothing in the grand scheme of life.
All in all UP, you should just say fuck it and try to live the lifestyle you thought you were going to have if you never had to work again. Only after you have exhausted all your monetary resources, your family has disowned you, and type two diabetes has fully set in should you make a bee line to those bottles of Tylenol. Just make sure to get them now and store them away, otherwise you'll be picking change out of the sofa to finance your exit from this fuck all world.
Sincerely,
FHA
Recently I quit my job and am in the process of looking for a new one. Things are pretty dismal and I was wondering if you had some advice on things I could do in the interim to keep my spirits up?
Sincerely,
Unemployed Person
Dear UP,
It can be a challenging thing to keep your moral high enough to not run to the medicine cabinet and down a bottle and a half of Tylenol just to end the suffering. Here is some helpful advice to make the time you spend looking a bit more chipper.
1. Put your personal health on the back burner
Lots of people take this time to better their life as the stress of their old job is gone. I think it's a waste of time and resources. You could start cooking more healthy meals at home. You could take an hour out of your day to exercise. You might even be tempted to give up drinking while job hunting. What you might not realize is you can do all those things when you finally get a job that you hate again. If you occupy your time with making your life better in general, you might forget what a giant loser you are for being broke. Take this time to start smoking, doubting your self worth, and drinking the pain of borrowing money from family members away. You fantasized about the time you could just sit on your couch in a whiskey haze for a week, so take advantage of it. Even if you have to cancel an interview because the days blurred together and you find yourself drunk at 8AM before your first real chance at a job in months. All you would end up doing is shortening your personal misery, which is the driving force behind getting a quality job.
2. Don't share your misery with your family
It might seem like a good idea to tell your mother how terrible you feel, but do you really want her to know what a failure you are? Make sure you only talk to them on the rare occasions when you book a temp gig that will only pay enough to recoup the cost of your train ride and lunch. This way they will know you are "still working" and not just sitting on your ass getting drunk. The only other time it is acceptable to contact them is when your rent is due. Make sure to contact in a drunken weepy mess asking them to send you a large sum of money because you have failed for another consecutive month to get a job. This way the conversation is short and there will be no room for them to shame you more than you already have shamed yourself.
3. Start blogging about your your woes
This is a great outlet for you to put how mad you are at the system for failing you. Make sure your name is highly visible on it as well. If you do it often enough, it will surely drive any prospective employers who have a half a brain to Google your name to the page. They definitely won't hire you based on the content, but it will drive up the number of page hits so you can collect your 3 cents from the Google Ads you've placed on it. This will allow you more free time to update and still make just enough money to fool yourself into believing you could make a living by bitching online.
4. Get more credit cards
Just because you're broke doesn't mean you have to live like you are. Get a bunch of cards that you will only make a minimum payment on (if at all, am I right?) as to maintain that little slice of lower middle class you have come to love. Don't tell your friends you can't go out with them because you're broke, but instead pick up the tab when you do just to let them know that you're doing just fine. This is also your chance to improve your DVD and video game collection. Those outlets will give you the chance to waste hours that you normally would spend looking for a job and being frustrated on things that mean nothing in the grand scheme of life.
All in all UP, you should just say fuck it and try to live the lifestyle you thought you were going to have if you never had to work again. Only after you have exhausted all your monetary resources, your family has disowned you, and type two diabetes has fully set in should you make a bee line to those bottles of Tylenol. Just make sure to get them now and store them away, otherwise you'll be picking change out of the sofa to finance your exit from this fuck all world.
Sincerely,
FHA
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