Being Politically Active

Dear FHA,

I have been hearing my co-workers talking about the most recent political issues such as healthcare reform and overhauling the financial banking system. My problem is that I don't have any idea what they are talking about. I just want to know the best way to learn about politics so I won't feel so ignorant when those conversations happen.

Sincerely,
Just a Guy



Dear JAG,

The world of politics is a fickle mistress that will either take you to the top or get you beheaded. Choosing your sides carefully and aligning yourself with the most powerful party will surely be that short-cut to the top you are looking for. In addition you are sure to impress people around you with your insights on the current climate of affairs in the US of A. Here are a few pointers that might help you gather enough knowledge to take your co-workers ten rounds in a political fist fight.

1. Pick a party, and get partisan.
You have to join a team before you can play the game. Nobody will respect the spectator that walks out on the court, no matter how good his jump-shot is. I myself was at a loss to what party to pledge allegiance to, so it came down to something as simple as their logo. I have been a card carrying member of the Personal Choices Party since I became politically active way back in 2005. Once you find a party that suits you, publicly acknowledge how broken all the other parties are. Much like religion, there is only one true way, and everyone is convinced it is their own. So in the end, the winner will be dictated by those who carry the largest majority. Either start convincing people to join you, or start eliminating members of the opposition. It's not my place to decide your course of action, at least that what my party says I should think.

2. Pretend to listen while planning what to say next.
Politics was founded on the principles that you must talk longer than your opponent. They call this tactic a filibuster. It is important to know that when engaged in the war of words, a strong overwhelming mass of fodder is much more effective than one or two well place strikes. Don't bother taking in what is being said to you for processing and analysis. Take this down time to load your mouth cannon with as much propaganda and rhetoric that you can remember. If you come to a point where you are at a loss for things to say about your point, create a fictional place in your mind where you can construct non-truths and pass them off as fact. I call this place my lie-bratory. It is a place where I mix up dangerously incorrect concoctions of overheard stories and TV sound-bites. Whatever your ability as a wordsmith, keep the fires hot and never shut up.

3. Get all of your news from one outlet only.
Nothing throws a wrench in a solid political stance like hearing conflicting informations from two different sources. My suggestion is to stick with one news source and never deviate. I say this as it much easier to discount political adversaries as "sissy bitch liars" if you have never heard their view points from anyone but them. Much like the way that pretending the moon doesn't exist is much easier if you never go out at night. If you never see it, then what truth could their be to one crazy persons ramblings. Keep it simple, keep it contained.

4. Learn the vernacular.
Political jargon is really just a series of code that other politicians look for to verify your authenticity. When you mention how your views on a Oligarchy differ from the basic Feudal systems of the twelfth century, and how the megalomaniacal boon of big government is souring not only people on Wall-street, but the blue collar family man on main-street, the doors of prestige and clout will open. Much like a game of mastermind, keep throwing them out in different combinations. You will be able to gauge what ones were used in the correct order with each other, and what ones should be removed from your speech all together. Taking the time to learn what they mean and how they apply to what you are trying to relay will only slow you down and allow your opponent to filibuster your sorry ass to death.

5. Lie, scream, possibly throw something.
When all else fails, get violent. Just because you're a big boy doesn't mean you can't act like a child in the name of something bigger than you. Pushing down a pregnant woman outside an abortion clinic, punching a scientist for producing GMO's, or just simply yelling faggot at a homosexual man's funeral are all rewarding things that you can do in the name of politics. Open it up, see what takes your fancy.

As you can see there are many facets of politics that will surely make you appear much smarter than the stink-fingered mouth breather I'm sure you are. In the end, just make sure you are louder than anybody else, this is sure to make you right.

Sincerely,
FHA

Meeting Women

Dear FHA,

I am a single guy looking to meet for some companionship. There are thousands of women in this city but I can't seem to find one that is right for me. I know it's hard work, but what way can I go about finding someone that is right for me?

Sincerely,
Single and Poor


Dear SAP,

Finding a companion in life is one of the great adventures. Some may argue that the searching process is more important that everything that comes afterwards. I live in that camp and don't plan on taking my tent down anytime soon. Here are a few tricks I've managed to pick up during my time on the quest for the tender embrace of a woman.

1. Be Coy, Mysterious, and Shy
Nothing fuels a woman's interest like a seeming lack on your part. If you see a woman that you find attractive, make no effort to get her attention. Make sure to just sit and pretend you are comfortable in whatever situation you have subjected yourself to in hopes of meeting that woman. If it was ever meant to be she will approach you and begin a conversation that will last for hours on end without effort. Love is something that you will be given when the time is right. Like a fine wine, you just let it sit there in the dark aging until it is required by some rich socialite in need of a status play. Just keep your cool and make sure that the dark feelings of loneliness and defeat never surface in public. Attempting to start a conversation with a prospective lover will only end in financial expense, shame, and possibly a couple months of embrace that you could use as a learning experience down the road. Are we looking for love, or are we looking for education? Shut it and wait.

2. Stay in One Social Setting
Going to different activities and public places that serve as a mingling place for people you haven't talked to before is a terrible move. Faking your comfort in those situations will instantly point you out as the guy who is just there to get laid. The idea that any man would ever attempt to open his mind to new activities and cultures in hopes of finding a like-minded woman is absurd. Nobody does that, and if they say they do, they are lying or gay. Stick to the people you already have an established relationship with. Interacting with people that posses new and exciting views on life and the activities within it are frightening. If you are in a band, know you will only date another girl in a band.

3. Plan For the Worst
Too many times people jump into relationships with a fool hearty idea of what could happen. Be one of the smart ones that jumps in with a knowledge of what will happen. Odds are you will break-up eventually. Don't neglect that fact and throw yourself into a relationship completely. When you do that the break will come as a surprise and hurt ten-fold. I have never committed fully to anything, and because of this my last divorce was just an appointment in my life that I didn't know the exact date of. When you dive in without looking you become vulnerable to compromise, personal growth, and shared responsibility for making things work. Keep your distance from this and you can continue to have your life outside of that person, because honestly that will be what you have to get back to when she eventually leaves you.

4. Think About Everything
Every thing that happens has a meaning you haven't determined yet. Unlike the female species who has been given the teacher's addition to relationships, we have to sit and labor over what everything "really means". Sure, she said she wants to see you tonight, but was that because she really wants to see you, or because this is the one night in the past week where you made plans to hang out with your friends at a bar, and by telling you she wants to see you, is she really telling you that she doesn't like your friends, or how much you drink, or the fact you don't like to watch The Bachelor and she is trying to get you to appreciate it more, which may lead to her trying to corner you into marriage, which is something you just aren't ready for at 27 and honestly have no idea when you will be in a situation to make that large of a commitment, not because you don't love her but because you haven't really established yourself in any sort of field that would allow you to financially care for another person.... or if this is the one time that she throws it out there as a control just to gauge what your reaction will be when she actually makes that play!! Fuck! Run!

For the most part, stay away from relationships. If you require companionship, rent it. I've never owned a house and feel completely at home in this studio apartment. Sure it smells bad and costs way too much for what I get, and in long run I'll just end up with memories of things I wanted to have, but for right now I feel safe. I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
FHA